First Press Release - Looking for Some Critique

5 replies
I can write pretty good articles for Article Marketing but I'm finding Press Releases to be a whole different game.

Below is a copy of my first Press Release, sure would like to get some good feedback on how I can improve my PR writing skills.

Thanks in advance for your input.


Small Businesses Aim to Fight Obesity in 2011


Description: As the fight against obesity enters 2011, small business owners see not only an opportunity to make a living, but to also make a difference.


11 Jan 2011 - With the economy down and many small business owners trying to stay afloat, some are turning towards another issue that is plaguing America, the fight against obesity in hopes of not only cashing in, but to truly make a difference. Stuck at 34% for the past 5 years, obesity was a major issue that caught the eye of the nation in 2010. Now in 2011 small business owners, online and offline are doing their part to keep the momentum going. Most of it involves educating customers on the causes of obesity and then offering products and or services to lose weight and to maintain a healthy lifestyle.


As Scott Henderson of (domain name.com) states; "Many people are starting to realize that what they have been told about losing weight in the past does not work, at least that is what the stats show." Furthermore Mr. Henderson went on to say "Teaching people and helping them to overcome obesity is the easy part, the hard part is finding food on grocery store shelves not filled with obesity causing additives." He believes that until there is a reform of the food industry practices that this small business segment will continue to thrive.


Processed food is in the opinion of many, one of the leading causes of obesity. Though authorities insist that the food on shelves is safe to eat, the sharp rise in obesity over the past decade bears a striking resemblance to the increased use of processed foods. Websites such as (domain name) inform readers of the ingredients in food that is considered to be the top culprits. They further go on to teach how one can continue to eat their favorite foods but in a far more healthy recipe. As Mr. Henderson states, "I can teach anyone how to make a spaghetti sauce that not only tastes better than anything in a jar, but is 100% more healthy with zero additives".


(Domain Name) is a website devoted to providing readers with solid facts on the causes of obesity, how to fight obesity, and how to maintain a healthy lifestyle after the fight has been won by the individual. Leading products are available from some of the top experts in the field that use natural methods for weight loss. Also available is a free newsletter that is published weekly, sign up is available on the website, (domain name)
#critique #press #release
  • Profile picture of the author Bruce Wedding
    Its damn good. You understand how to write a press release. All I'd do is edit passive sentences, substitute simple for complex sentences. (There's not too much of either)

    Example:

    "Also available is a free newsletter that is published weekly, sign up is available on the website, (domain name)"

    becomes...
    "A free newsletter is published weekly. Sign up is available at domain name."
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    • Profile picture of the author Scott Henderson
      Originally Posted by Bruce Wedding View Post

      Its damn good. You understand how to write a press release. All I'd do is edit passive sentences, substitute simple for complex sentences. (There's not too much of either)

      Example:

      "Also available is a free newsletter that is published weekly, sign up is available on the website, (domain name)"

      becomes...
      "A free weekly newsletter is published weekly. Sign up is available at domain name."
      Well that is very encouraging, thanks Bruce for your input. I've been picking this thing apart and debating back and forth on the matter of "is it a PR or is it an article" I will certainly use your advice.
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      • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
        Hi Scott,

        Not too long ago I would of thought your press release would of been good.

        Not today.

        Sorry.

        It doesn't have memorable sound bytes.

        Marc Harty at 30 Minute PR » Marc Harty
        has the templates, for free, to keep you out of the dismissed basket.

        Well worth your time to put them to work for you.

        He has videos to show you why his methods work so well.

        As a side note, I listened to Chet Holmes today talk about a company that builds skateboard parks for local councils.

        They made up a report with one of many interesting facts, like 1 Billion children are now classed as obese.

        They got the report into the hands of decision makers
        and got a dramatic increase in sales.

        All the best,
        Ewen
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        • Profile picture of the author Scott Henderson
          Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

          Hi Scott,

          Not too long ago I would of thought your press release would of been good.

          Not today.

          Sorry.

          It doesn't have memorable sound bytes.
          Ewen, thanks for your feedback!!, No need to apologize...I'm looking for critical comments from as many people's point of view as possible, I'm all ears.

          Thanks for the links, I grabbed all of his stuff and grazed through the intro real quick. I'm sure there is some good stuff to learn from him, looking forward to learn more about "sound bytes"

          What I have read so far indicates that he is a big supporter of using keywords in titles and sprinkled a few more times in the body. This has me a bit confused as to what is better, a PR for SEO puposes, or a PR that will get more readers because it is News Worthy.

          To me it would greatly depend on your keyword phrase, In my case, my keyword is an exact domain name match for a highly searched for phrase but is not a phrase that you would expect to see in a professional looking PR. It works fine for the domain, but in the title I think it would be cheesy.

          I'm sure regardless of that point, I will learn from his other methods.

          Thanks again Ewen, I appreciate your input, I want to do the best I can.
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          • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
            Scott,

            Download his templates and see if you can
            combine your main keyword into the rest.

            Their are some Warriors who are offering
            coverage in well known news sites
            for $17.

            Let me know if you want to be pointed in their direction.

            All the best,
            Ewen
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