Sales Page Help Would Be Greatly Appreciated - Thanks Guys!

Hi Stephen,

Congrats on your first try - it's not too shabby, that.

Here are a few thoughts:
I think you need to read up on the use of apostrophes. Your header, for example, needs fixing in that regard.

I like the use of the light blue background and the way your site feels uncluttered.

But I think your headlines need a bit of tweaking...

Discover The Secrets To Keeping Your Children Safe When Out And About - Ensuring That When The Inevitable Separation Happens
They'll Know Exactly What To Do...

I'd cut out a lot of the wordiness. More like,


See what I'm doing? Short words, cut direct to the chase. (Obviously it needs more tweaking, but it does convey the message quickly.)

And the sub-head,

No Other Website Teaches These Essential Travel Safety Skills That Ensure Worry Free Family Outings!

Again, too wordy, too many five-dollar words.


Just a few thoughts - hope they help.

Dot

PS - The bullets you have down at the very bottom are great. That's the format you need to follow.

Well, it is actually kind of difficult to assess without knowing what you intend to do in the remainder of the letter, but here's a few observations to help out:

- Lose the product name obfuscating the prehead (which is actually pretty good) - hold your horses and introduce the product when there's a logical cadence in the copy for it

- In your headline, lose "Ensuring That When" - just makes it wordy without adding anything. Here's a revised version that's a little punchier:

"Discover The Security Guard Secrets To Keeping Your Children Safe - When The Inevitable Happens You’ll Know Exactly What To Do!"

Something like that. Notice the focus should really be on the parent, not the child... you can add the info for kids later on in the letter.

- The letter so far is really just selling the idea of how horrible it is when children walk off. I think the prehead alone almost does it - parents can conjure up the horrid emotion almost instantly. Get into the solution - or a story illustrating one - much quicker.

- You really should do more with your credibility here - a line stating you're a security guard of 6 years doesn't create much authority. How about a picture of you in a uniform, a list of trainings you've accrued, certifications, etc.

Hope this helps.

Hey guys thank you very much for taking the time to leave me some advice.

@ dorothydot - I completely understand where you are coming from with regards to the cluttered headers, I will set about changing them right away.

@ Jtunkelo - I was considering writing an introduction paragraph, just didn't know how to lead into the story after it.

also regarding the guide name in the header would you recommend removing it. If so what would I put in it's place or should I just use the "what would happen if you were out shopping" part instead?

You mentioned getting a solution into the page earlier, would you recommend say cutting the storydown to maybe the red centred title half way down?

Many thank's,
Stephen.

Stephen - How much research did you do before you decided to develop this product? Is there a market willing to PAY for this information?

I ask because what you appear to be offering seems to be pretty basic information that is readily available on the Web - for free. And I'd hate to see you waste your time and energy on a 'product' that no one wants to buy.

At the moment, you seem to be intending to use the work as a stand-alone sale. I can see this product as a part of a more comprehensive guide on, say, travelling with your child. Or used as a lead-generating giveaway to build a list. And I think you'd get much more return on your efforts if you did so.

If you're going to put time and effort into developing and selling any product, first make sure it's something people will pay for. I honestly don't see many people paying for this information (at least, based on your copy so far).

I like the layout and format.

Remove the name of the company from the top, this should go down the bottom.

Also, I would advise to put in a bit of academic evidence and official statistics.

e.g.Social psychologist Max Taylor from the University of XXX found from his research that children knowning X Y Z are 60 % less likely to get lost etc.