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Main Headline Critique

by wiseworks
20 replies
I need a critique for my main headline. I know I need work with all my salescopy but I'm taking it one step at a time and testing.

My conversions are low despite decent traffic. My headline needs to be beefed up a bit.

I came up with several new headlines and my mentor said, "I am struggling with 2 things common in all of these headlines

  1. You mention a SYSTEM - which indicates you have something to sell and MIGHT turn people off before you even have the chance to sell them.
  2. The more I read the words CLINICALLY PROVEN the more I feel that this should be coming from a health professional (which you are not) -- so I fear that the use of those words is sending the wrong message.

Try toning down the product mention and the health implications if you can. This might read better."

Here is my current salespage.

Kids Exercise

Before I list all of the new headline versions I came up with I wanted to make sure someone was willing to look at them.

Thank you!
#critique #headline #main
  • Profile picture of the author Ross James
    Dude that headline isn't even that bad. Why does your mentor presuppose that in order to gain credibility using words like "clinically proven" that you have to be a highly positioned health professional? I don't know, maybe I was sick that day but your mentor sounds like he should take a few tips from someone that has a clue.

    Also, he said try toning down the product, LOL . What? Ask him what the product is, that's the last thing you want to tone down. The product isn't the report or product itself, the product is the solution.

    -Ross
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    • Profile picture of the author OutOfThisWord
      It's not that bad... just badly displayed (and needs some wordiness removed). Try something like this...

      Now... Discover The 20-Minute Kids’ Exercise System

      PROVEN to Boost
      Your Child’s Confidence...
      Improve Their Grades…
      and Make Them Healthy For LIFE!


      Gain Motor Skills, Better Sleep & Spark Creativity


      So Fun They Won't Feel Like They Are Exercising
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      • Profile picture of the author wiseworks
        Originally Posted by OutOfThisWord View Post

        It's not that bad... just badly displayed (and needs some wordiness removed). Try something like this...

        Now... Discover The 20-Minute Kids' Exercise System

        PROVEN to Boost
        Your Child's Confidence...
        Improve Their Grades...
        and Make Them Healthy For LIFE!


        Gain Motor Skills, Better Sleep & Spark Creativity


        So Fun They Won't Feel Like They Are Exercising
        Thank you for this! For now, I cleaned up my headline as you suggested. it reads a lot better now.
        Signature

        Jeff Wise
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  • Profile picture of the author colmodwyer
    Using "clinically proven" seems sensible to me... I wouldn't have "been" preceding it though.

    Also, I'm not a fan of this opt-in box on the left. Are you trying to build a list or make a sale - if you say "both" - that's the wrong answer.

    The box displaces the body copy too so there's huge padding on the left, makes it difficult to read in my opinion.

    For me the transition from headline into lead is pretty confusing... although there's plenty of benefits of exercise in the headline, you don't actually say - this product gets your kids to exercise - whereas the lead implies that's what the product does.

    So I just wonder if you're not speaking to your market in the headline... I'm assuming the parent knows the benefit of exercise, but if having trouble getting their kids to exercise?

    Something like - "This Sneaky (But Ethical) Trick Gets Your Kids Exercising Enthusiastically" - or whatever might be more on point.

    This isn't my market, so I could be completely wrong of course... although that'd be the case even if it was my market too.

    Colm
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    • Profile picture of the author wiseworks
      Originally Posted by colmodwyer View Post

      Using "clinically proven" seems sensible to me... I wouldn't have "been" preceding it though.

      Also, I'm not a fan of this opt-in box on the left. Are you trying to build a list or make a sale - if you say "both" - that's the wrong answer.

      The box displaces the body copy too so there's huge padding on the left, makes it difficult to read in my opinion.

      For me the transition from headline into lead is pretty confusing... although there's plenty of benefits of exercise in the headline, you don't actually say - this product gets your kids to exercise - whereas the lead implies that's what the product does.

      So I just wonder if you're not speaking to your market in the headline... I'm assuming the parent knows the benefit of exercise, but if having trouble getting their kids to exercise?

      Something like - "This Sneaky (But Ethical) Trick Gets Your Kids Exercising Enthusiastically" - or whatever might be more on point.

      This isn't my market, so I could be completely wrong of course... although that'd be the case even if it was my market too.

      Colm
      Thank you for your advice! I have the whole opt-in box and white space on the left issue in the hopper with my developer. Hopefully we'll get that fixed soon.

      I hear what you're saying about speaking to my market. From my research I do know that parents want to have healthy kids and many of them aren't educated as to why they need healthy kids in the first place. Their kid can be severely overweight and they think they are healthy.

      Yes, also many parents are looking for actual exercises because they already know it's a health issue.

      What do you think about this headline?

      "Give me 10 minutes and I'll show you an outrageously fun Kids Exercise system that is guaranteed to transform your child's health, confidence ... and even grades!"

      Or this one?

      "Are You Sick And Tired Of Not Finding A Quality Kids Exercise System That Is Fun and Proven To Work? These easy exercises are guaranteed to get your kids off the couch and drastically transform their health, grades and confidence."
      Signature

      Jeff Wise
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  • Profile picture of the author BrianMullen
    Hi,

    Headline is ok. You can always split test the page(s) to see which is the best converting.

    The optin box to the left of your content doen't look good though. Leaves a large white block down your text.

    Try an email capture within the text instead and/or have it as a pop up or exit splash.

    You are using wordpress so you have option to add plugins that will do that for you. Try popupdomination.com (paid) as an option. Just google for similar or free alternatives

    Try flexibilitytheme.com (free) or flexsqueeze.com (paid) instead of woo themes also. Will look better and give you more 'flexibility'.

    Brian

    brianmullen.co.uk

    Originally Posted by wiseworks View Post

    I need a critique for my main headline. I know I need work with all my salescopy but I'm taking it one step at a time and testing.

    My conversions are low despite decent traffic. My headline needs to be beefed up a bit.

    I came up with several new headlines and my mentor said, "I am struggling with 2 things common in all of these headlines

    1. You mention a SYSTEM - which indicates you have something to sell and MIGHT turn people off before you even have the chance to sell them.
    2. The more I read the words CLINICALLY PROVEN the more I feel that this should be coming from a health professional (which you are not) -- so I fear that the use of those words is sending the wrong message.

    Try toning down the product mention and the health implications if you can. This might read better."

    Here is my current salespage.

    myfamilyexercise.com

    Before I list all of the new headline versions I came up with I wanted to make sure someone was willing to look at them.

    Thank you!
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    • Profile picture of the author wiseworks
      Originally Posted by BrianMullen View Post

      Hi,

      Headline is ok. You can always split test the page(s) to see which is the best converting.

      The optin box to the left of your content doen't look good though. Leaves a large white block down your text.

      Try an email capture within the text instead and/or have it as a pop up or exit splash.

      You are using wordpress so you have option to add plugins that will do that for you. Try popupdomination.com (paid) as an option. Just google for similar or free alternatives

      Try flexibilitytheme.com (free) or flexsqueeze.com (paid) instead of woo themes also. Will look better and give you more 'flexibility'.

      Brian

      brianmullen.co.uk
      Thanks Brian. Is popupdomination easily worth the $47?
      Signature

      Jeff Wise
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      • Profile picture of the author BrianMullen
        Hi,

        On the popupdomination.com sales page you have jeff johnson, yanik silver et al using / endorsing it so I presume it would be of benefit to you too.

        If you click away from the sales page, then cancel to stay for their exit offer, you can get it for $37 instead (minus bonus).

        Try, warriorforum.com/warrior-special-offers-forum/95706-free-exit-popup-plugin-wordpress-exit-rescue.html if you want to source other options (that links to actionpopup.com/rescue/)

        Also, maxblogpress.com/plugins/mup/ is a free option that will also help you.

        Brian

        brianmullen.co.uk

        Originally Posted by wiseworks View Post

        Thanks Brian. Is popupdomination easily worth the $47?
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  • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
    Originally Posted by wiseworks View Post


    You mention a SYSTEM - which indicates you have something to sell and MIGHT turn people off before you even have the chance to sell them.
    1. The more I read the words CLINICALLY PROVEN the more I feel that this should be coming from a health professional (which you are not) -- so I fear that the use of those words is sending the wrong message.
    My professional opinion is to rethink your relationship with this mentor cause based on this post, I'm doubting that they know what they're talking about.

    First, while mentioning a "system" does suggest that you're selling something...that's not bad at all. Once of the primary functions of a good sales page is to filter out tire kickers and people who will get their panties in a twist about the fact that you're selling someting. You WANT buyers.

    Second, it's an excercise product...so what the $%&* is wrong with using the words "clinically proven?" Dude, you don't HAVE to be a health professional to know that something is clinically proven...I can give you a list of clinically proven stuff just by doing a little research.

    Many marketing consultants are consultants cause they can't hack it as marketers...so be careful who you listen to.

    Second, read this post:

    Why Are You Still Selling Products and Services? | Cashflow Copywriting

    ...and then create a few new headlines here for feedback.

    I'm outta time...good luck with this...
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    • Profile picture of the author wiseworks
      Originally Posted by sethczerepak View Post


      Second, read this post:

      Why Are You Still Selling Products and Services? | Cashflow Copywriting

      ...and then create a few new headlines here for feedback.

      I'm outta time...good luck with this...
      Thank you for your advice. Here are a few headlines I wrote yesterday. Let me know what you think.

      1. How To Transform Your Child Into A Better Student While Boosting Their Confidence And Improving Their Health With A 20 Minute Clinically Proven Fun Kids Exercise

      2. Give me 10 minutes and I'll show you an outrageously fun Kids Exercise system that is guaranteed to transform your child's health, confidence ... and even grades!

      3. Are You Sick And Tired Of Not Finding A Quality Kids Exercise System That Is Fun and Proven To Work? These easy exercises are guaranteed to get your kids off the couch and drastically transform their health, grades and confidence.

      4. If You Can Follow Simple Directions, You Can Help Your Child Become A Healthier Person Using An Easy And Fun Kids Exercise System That Transforms Their Bodies While Also Improving Their Confidence And Grades!

      5. How To Boost Your Child's Confidence, Improve Their Grades and Make Them Healthy For Life With This Amazing 20 Minute Fun Kids Exercise System That's Been Clinically Proven!

      6. (I don't like scare tactics but thought I'd write this one out anyway.) You Are The Sole Authority For Your Child's Future Health ... Will You Choose For Them a Long Life Or Pre-Mature Death? Discover The Clinically Proven, Fun Kids Exercise System That Will Guide You in the Right Direction.

      7. WARNING: Even Though Your Children Have P.E. At School, Studies Show They Could Still Be At Risk For Major Health Problems If They Don't Participate In More Kids Exercise.

      What do you think of these?
      Signature

      Jeff Wise
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  • Profile picture of the author Doran Peck
    First off, you don't need to convince anyone that kids exersizing is a good thing. So to me the whole "Clinically Proven" thing comes across as trying too hard to "convince" me of something I already believe in. It makes my brain want to go into suspicious mode.

    Its kinda like how you might feel if reading an advertisement for cereal made from pure cotton candy started right off talking about clinically proven...see...your skepticism kicks right into overdrive.

    I feel like the sub headings are stronger, and peak my curiosity...."without your child even realizing they're exercizing" ...."same techniques use by NHL stars and elite athletes"

    Once I'm heading into the reading, and starting to feel might like I like the product...the words "clinically proven" come into play at this point and serve to strengthen my belief that I like this product..moving closer to a positive decision to purchase.

    I think the "clinically proven" is a support thing here, not a lead thing.


    just my take

    DP



    You don't even need those words in the headline.
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    • Profile picture of the author donk
      Use The Same Techniques NHL Stars And Elite Athletes Do
      To Get Your WHOLE FAMILY Exercising Together
      Without Any Of You Even Realizing You're Exercising

      It Only Takes 20 Minutes Of Quality Fun Time A Day
      For Your Whole Family To Get And Stay Fit




      I would play up the fact that this is a FAMILY exercise, and not just something for the kids. That way, you help the parents too, especially those who may be overweight and unfit themselves, and those who are looking for opportunities to get some family bonding time again.
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      • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
        Hi Jeff,

        What you have here is a target audience problem.

        Your mentor and other posters here have got different ideas
        as who your target audience is.

        In your original post you didn't mention it,
        and there is no mention of who that might be in your
        headline.

        When you really get good at speaking to your audience,
        you are verbalizing their thoughts in a clear way.

        In fact, often they are so confused that your message
        cuts to the point to what they are trying to say...but didn't know how to say it.

        So back to your audience. Research them.

        Tell them you have something to help their special needs.
        Not somebody else's.

        All the best,
        Ewen
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        • Profile picture of the author wiseworks
          Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

          Hi Jeff,

          What you have here is a target audience problem.

          Your mentor and other posters here have got different ideas
          as who your target audience is.

          In your original post you didn't mention it,
          and there is no mention of who that might be in your
          headline.

          When you really get good at speaking to your audience,
          you are verbalizing their thoughts in a clear way.

          In fact, often they are so confused that your message
          cuts to the point to what they are trying to say...but didn't know how to say it.

          So back to your audience. Research them.

          Tell them you have something to help their special needs.
          Not somebody else's.

          All the best,
          Ewen
          The target audience is definitely parents. The majority of people buying from me are mothers.
          Signature

          Jeff Wise
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      • Profile picture of the author wiseworks
        Originally Posted by donk View Post

        Use The Same Techniques NHL Stars And Elite Athletes Do
        To Get Your WHOLE FAMILY Exercising Together
        Without Any Of You Even Realizing You're Exercising

        It Only Takes 20 Minutes Of Quality Fun Time A Day
        For Your Whole Family To Get And Stay Fit


        I would play up the fact that this is a FAMILY exercise, and not just something for the kids. That way, you help the parents too, especially those who may be overweight and unfit themselves, and those who are looking for opportunities to get some family bonding time again.
        I really like this headline! I'm going to add it to my list to consider testing.
        Signature

        Jeff Wise
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  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    Originally Posted by wiseworks View Post


    My conversions are low despite decent traffic.
    Hi Jeff,

    One of the often overlooked aspects of conversion is the warmup.

    By that is the number of times they come in contact with you
    before they see the sales page.

    This means a multi step marketing plan.

    Something to keep in mind.

    Best,
    Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author Sheila Atwood
    Wiseworks,

    Number one...get rid of the blog look. You only want one call to action and that is to buy your product. Check out Warrior Tyson Faulkner, he has sales page templates you can put right on your WordPress Site. They get rid of the header and side bars. Very professional and easy to use because they are WordPress.

    Tyson-Faulkner.com

    Notice his page layout and follow that.

    Your headline and benefits are mushed together. I will get my partner to look at your headline she is in the family and parenting niche and is an expert at the wording.

    Once you get your headline down you need to look at your call to action. It is way down at the bottom of the page and the button is small.

    Also take a look at your bonus...Using it as an after thought?
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    WordPress Freak

    WordPress For Business and Personal Use

    "You have brains in your head, you have feet in your shoes, you can steer yourself in any direction you choose." -Dr. Suess
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    • Profile picture of the author wiseworks
      Originally Posted by Sheila Atwood View Post

      Wiseworks,

      Number one...get rid of the blog look. You only want one call to action and that is to buy your product. Check out Warrior Tyson Faulkner, he has sales page templates you can put right on your WordPress Site. They get rid of the header and side bars. Very professional and easy to use because they are WordPress.

      Tyson-Faulkner.com

      Notice his page layout and follow that.

      Your headline and benefits are mushed together. I will get my partner to look at your headline she is in the family and parenting niche and is an expert at the wording.

      Once you get your headline down you need to look at your call to action. It is way down at the bottom of the page and the button is small.

      Also take a look at your bonus...Using it as an after thought?
      Hi Sheila! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. I have several questions if that's ok.

      1. If I made the front page only the salescopy are you saying it's still okay to have the blog and all the other links and opt-in box where it's currently at? Here is my blog. It's still part of MyFamilyExercise.

      2. Thank you for getting your partner to look at my headline. I eagerly await.

      3. I'm not sure what you mean about the bonuses. Are you saying I need to move them up, make them more prominent or what?

      Thank you!
      Signature

      Jeff Wise
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      • Profile picture of the author Collette
        You're trying to do a lot with one headline. The result is a jumble of competing ideas:

        Idea #1: Discover (a) Fun 20-Minute Kids Exercise System

        Idea #2: Boost Your Child’s Confidence (with exercise)

        Idea #3: Improve (Your Child's) Grades (with exercise)

        Idea #4: Make (Your Child) Healthy For LIFE! (with exercise)

        Idea #5: Develop (Your Child's) Gross Motor Skills (with exercise)

        Idea #6: Improve (Your Child's) Sleep (with exercise)

        Idea#7: Spark (Your Child's) Creativity (with exercise

        Idea #8: Help Your Child Exercise Without Them Realizing They're Exercising

        The human brain finds it difficult to hold more than three ideas at the same time. Even then, the brain assigns a hierarchy to the importance of each idea, and ranks them accordingly.

        Your headline should convey the Most Important Idea of your copy. Your headline is saying to the reader, "Read this - and this most wonderful, very specific thing will happen to you."

        In your headline, you have dumped no fewer than 8 ideas on your reader, and assigned them equal importance.

        The result is confusion. The reader doesn't know what his reward will be if he keeps reading, and whether it will be worth his time.

        In this sort of situation (because most humans are primed to look for a way out), the reader will usually seize on an idea that does NOT resonate with him, and say, "Oh... I guess this isn't for me." *click*

        Additionally, headlines are an entry way to the body copy. So The Most Important Idea in your headline should be echoed in your body copy within two paragraphs.

        In contrast, your body copy begins by introducing yet more ideas.

        So.... back it all up.

        Look at the ideas you've identified as being important to your prospects.

        Which of these are the most important (and don't say, "All of them." When you talk to "All" you talk to "None".)

        Pick your top 3.

        Rewrite your headline with #1 in the headline, and #2 and 3 in your sub-head.

        Here's an easy checklist for you to use as you do this:


        1. Does your headline offer the reader a reward for reading your sales copy?
        2. What specifics can you add to make your headline believable and intriguing?
        3. Does your headline trigger a strong emotion the reader already has about the subject? An emotion so strong as to cause him to take action NOW?
        4. Does your headline present a proposition that instantly makes your prospect nod his head?
        Use your headline idea to build your body copy theme. Edit ruthlessly.

        Have another go at it and come back.

        P.S. And, yeah - this is Headlines 101. There are other ways to go about headlines, but this is a simple, foolproof method that pretty much anyone can master.
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      • Profile picture of the author Sheila Atwood
        Wiseworks

        No that is not what I am saying.

        You can have a page on your blog that is a sales page. This gives you the SEO of the rest of the blog and because WordPess is so easy to work in, you do not need to learn code to get the sales page you want.

        Here is a good example of what I am talking about.

        The Copywriting Scorecard for Bloggers

        His blog header is so clean that it works well on his sales page. Note that there is nothing in the side bar. There is only one call to action.....buy the book.

        You can test different headlines using Google Webmaster Tools.

        Move your bonuses up as part of your package and not as an after thought to be sure they purchase.
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        "You have brains in your head, you have feet in your shoes, you can steer yourself in any direction you choose." -Dr. Suess
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