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13 years ago

"Earn A Small Fortune"

"From Home"

"Secret"

"Step-By-Step"

"PROVEN"

"Turn-Key"

"System"

"Auto-Pilot"

My first reaction? Bull****.

What would I change? The entire hook, and with biz-opp stuff grabbing that attention takes some serious energy and thought.

Good luck.

-Scott

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Bruce Wedding

13 years ago

Jeezus! Too freaking long... too much hype... I had to force myself to finish. You lost me at 'secret'.

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Jag82

13 years ago

Well...you got all the emotional trigger words there.

To me...of course I think it's a load of BS.

But who am I to say?

In the biz op market...hype can and do work.

Length-wise...I've seen much longer headlines. Just look
at John Carlton's!

Anyway...in this case...I can only say that
Dave Miz's advice on the other thread is very appropriate
here...just test it and let the market tell you.

- Jag

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Doran Peck

13 years ago

The headline sounded alot like its "typically supposed to sound" for a money making system. Your likely respondent will be those who are just discovering or starting to exlpore these avenues and don't know better yet. If your list is seasoned adventurers....I don't like the odds.

Its easier to cut this apart than it is to help you reconstruct it...but that is mostly because we don't know what exactly it is, and that limits the scope from which we can draw upon to to create a headline that sets this apart. Thats key... most all people seeking opportunities, want to find something a little different, cuz if its different, its not like the pile of stuff that isn't working...so if its different, there is hope.

"mail order conjures pre conceived notions...and they are negative. Replace with something that gives the impression you are revealing some of the mechanics of the thing..."by harnessing 3 accessable resources". - instant curiosity boost. Now internally they want to know what the 3 things are. I don't know what your product is so you have to identify what it is you can put there.

"Secret" ...nope. you are distributing this secret on a mass scale. and....apparently it was tested enough somewhere that it was deemed to be a "proven" thing.

"How you can easily earn" ....this is an article intro sitting on a direct mail piece.

The "How" or the "How you can" could be dropped.

Step by step..I think thats a useful term. I dont feel thats negative.
Less than 14 days...good

the words "Easiely" and "Auto-Pilot" ..not sure how I feel....just for me I think something worthwhile or with true value I expect there to be some effort.

"No Hype" No BS" my first instict is to believe the exact opposite especially when they are similarly redundant...doh! I just did it myself!

Thanks
1 reply

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Joe Benjamin

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Scott Murdaugh

"Earn A Small Fortune"

"From Home"

"Secret"

"Step-By-Step"

"PROVEN"

"Turn-Key"

"System"

"Auto-Pilot"

My first reaction? Bull****.

What would I change? The entire hook, and with biz-opp stuff grabbing that attention takes some serious energy and thought.

Good luck.

-Scott

Interesting. Thank You. I wrote down your suggestions and will be
applying to a revamped and shorter headline (my first instinct).

Originally Posted by Bruce Wedding

Jeezus! Too freaking long... too much hype... I had to force myself to finish. You lost me at 'secret'.

Not good. But, exactly the response I need to improve. Thank you.

Funny enough, the system I'm referring to is FAR from hype. Every-
thing in the actual system IS real and legit, the trick is making what
sounds unbelievable -- believable. Because, I know what it's like to
get sucked in to those kinds of promises and the MAJORITY don't
deliver -- but I'll come up with another angle.

Originally Posted by Jag82

Well...you got all the emotional trigger words there.

To me...of course I think it's a load of BS.

But who am I to say?

In the biz op market...hype can and do work.

Length-wise...I've seen much longer headlines. Just look
at John Carlton's!

Anyway...in this case...I can only say that
Dave Miz's advice on the other thread is very appropriate
here...just test it and let the market tell you.

- Jag

Your opinion counts because...I'm actually targeting people
who have "been there, done that" (multi-buyers). If YOU as
an experienced business owner don't believe it, than my angle
& approach is off.

I'm changing it now...

Originally Posted by Doran Peck

The headline sounded alot like its "typically supposed to sound" for a money making system. Your likely respondent will be those who are just discovering or starting to exlpore these avenues and don't know better yet. If your list is seasoned adventurers....I don't like the odds.

Its easier to cut this apart than it is to help you reconstruct it...but that is mostly because we don't know what exactly it is, and that limits the scope from which we can draw upon to to create a headline that sets this apart. Thats key... most all people seeking opportunities, want to find something a little different, cuz if its different, its not like the pile of stuff that isn't working...so if its different, there is hope.

"mail order conjures pre conceived notions...and they are negative. Replace with something that gives the impression you are revealing some of the mechanics of the thing..."by harnessing 3 accessable resources". - instant curiosity boost. Now internally they want to know what the 3 things are. I don't know what your product is so you have to identify what it is you can put there.

"Secret" ...nope. you are distributing this secret on a mass scale. and....apparently it was tested enough somewhere that it was deemed to be a "proven" thing.

"How you can easily earn" ....this is an article intro sitting on a direct mail piece.

The "How" or the "How you can" could be dropped.

Step by step..I think thats a useful term. I dont feel thats negative.
Less than 14 days...good

the words "Easiely" and "Auto-Pilot" ..not sure how I feel....just for me I think something worthwhile or with true value I expect there to be some effort.

"No Hype" No BS" my first instict is to believe the exact opposite especially when they are similarly redundant...doh! I just did it myself!

Very helpful in more ways you can imagine...I'm working hard revamping
it now.

Thanks

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Jag82

13 years ago

To me, your 2nd headline is better. But that's only to me.

You are selling to the "make money online" market.

The people there buy the dream of getting rich quickly and effortlessly.

You just need to go to the WSO section to see the headlines there
and you will know that hype can work very well in this market.

You obviously know copy.

At least, I've to say that both your headlines are good in that
I think you hit the right spots for someone who wants to make money online.

I think you got the fundamentals there.

But if you really want an informed opinion, I doubt any of us
here can give you a more conclusive answer than a simple split
test you can conduct in 5 minutes with PPC.

- Jag

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1 reply

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ewenmack

13 years ago

Hi Mr Casonova,

The second headline will win because it qualifies the reader with
"Give Me 7 Minutes".

Secondly it is more specific than the first because you are
using numbers.

To strengthen it more, I would leave out "direct mail".

It doesn't seem to add to the headline, therefore should be taken out.

That's it from a drive by glance.

Best,
Ewen

Thanks
1 reply

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Joe Benjamin

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Jag82

To me, your 2nd headline is better. But that's only to me.

You are selling to the "make money online" market.

The people there buy the dream of getting rich quickly and effortlessly.

You just need to go to the WSO section to see the headlines there
and you will know that hype can work very well in this market.

You obviously know copy.

At least, I've to say that both your headlines are good in that
I think you hit the right spots for someone who wants to make money online.

I think you got the fundamentals there.

But if you really want an informed opinion, I doubt any of us
here can give you a more conclusive answer than a simple split
test you can conduct in 5 minutes with PPC.

- Jag

Hi Jag,

I want to thank you for your opinion.

I'm not marketing to the "MMO" market. It's the "Make Money From
Home" market. It might not seem like a difference, but believe me,
there is.

This is a Direct Mail campaign. I'm sending a 4-page salesletter in
the mail. The offline market ARE more sophisticated (IMHO) and,
spend more money than online buyers -- from my own experience,
but prior to that -- having studyed on it from people like Gary
Halbert and Brian Keith Voiles.

Offline, your ad works best when it READS like a personal letter from
a friend to a friend. The hard part is making it BELIEVABLE, but inject-
ing emotional enough to pull the reader in.

It's a balance that's more difficult to pull off than the standard, "
Discover How You Too Can Make $45,980 In 48 Hours" angle online.

Plus, testing isn't exactly "cheap" with direct mail. It's expensive,
hence why I'm here getting a bit of feedback that -- is VERY helpful
in changing my headline and overall angle around.

BTW, thank you for the compliment on me "knowing copy"...I take a
lot of cues from the best Direct Response Marketers out there, and
it's very, VERY hard to pull this off -- I just don't see how the heavy
hitters write 10 - 15 page sales letters...that would take me months
to finish.

I wish I could see myself as even half-decent copywriter...I'll have
to work on believing it myself.

Originally Posted by Doran Peck

Good re-write.

What I want to know is ....do you need someone to produce the mailing for you?

That's a good question.

Actually, I'm in the process of running a "TEST" mailing and I decided
I was going to do this mailing myself simply because I enjoy the work
stuffing a few envelopes.

Obviously, if this test is a winner, I will scale it up and doing it myself
is out of the question -- so, if you DO print, package, and send out
direct mail pieces properly, I won't make any promises -- but I would
be interested to see what you have to offer, testimonials, a website,
etc.

Originally Posted by travlinguy

They're both toooooooooo long and both register high on the BS meter. Good luck.

Thank You --

.

I've actually since "modified the 2nd headline" and stream-lined it even
more since, so if you come back, I'd like to hear your initial reaction to
the 3rd headline above.

Originally Posted by ewenmack

Hi Mr Casonova,

The second headline will win because it qualifies the reader with
"Give Me 7 Minutes".

Secondly it is more specific than the first because you are
using numbers.

To strengthen it more, I would leave out "direct mail".

It doesn't seem to add to the headline, therefore should be taken out.

That's it from a drive by glance.

Best,
Ewen

The most helpful so far. Before I even read your response, I made
those changes and this helped me revised it a bit more. Thank you.

...btw, a 3rd revision has been added based off the 2nd edition.

==========

Again, thx everyone for your opionions, some of them HAVE been
taken into consideration -- writing a headline is probably the part
about copywriting I don't look forward to because so much rides
on it and it set's the tone of the letter.

Very, VERY difficult work.

...it amazes me how some people will read through copy and think
to themselves, "hey, I can do that". And I respond, "no, you can't",
few people can -- lol.

It's also amazing how much effort goes into making a leter geniune
from TOP to BOTTOM, staying consistent, and moving the reader
into action...anyways, back to work.

Thanks
1 reply

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Jag82

13 years ago

Originally Posted by WhoIsBenjamin

Plus, testing isn't exactly "cheap" with direct mail. It's expensive,
hence why I'm here getting a bit of feedback that -- is VERY helpful
in changing my headline and overall angle around.

True.

Testing offline isn't cheap.

But nevertheless, you still gotta test

I suggest you might want to test it online first.
It's cheaper and faster.

That will give you a rough idea on
what will work offline.

- Jag

Thanks

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Doran Peck

13 years ago

Good re-write.

What I want to know is ....do you need someone to produce the mailing for you?

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travlinguy

13 years ago

They're both toooooooooo long and both register high on the BS meter. Good luck.

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healthiersexier

13 years ago

I think not bad at all!

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 13 years ago

They are both Duds. First one loses me at "small fortune from home"... the second at "if you give me 7 minutes".

Hire - a - decent - copywriter.

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Jag82

13 years ago

WhoIsBenjamin,

You might want to take a look at the Early To Rise (subsidiary
of Agora) newsletter. They have products aimed at the
"Make Money From Home" market.

Agora is one of the leaders in the newsletter business,
and they have excellent copywriters working for them.

If you need a good model, you won't go much wrong
by taking their copy as your reference.

Thanks

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Nick Brighton

13 years ago

I find the first way too long, and packed full of obligatory words and ideas that sound like you've swallowed a swipe file from the 90s.

"Secret step by step proven turnkey autopilot..." C'mon dude, I'm sure you can do better than that!

It's also doesn't have any hook or proof to substantiate the claim.

The second shares the same blandness, albeit slightly less BS in approach.

Ask yourself, is this what you'd find on the front of Entrepreneur Magazine? Because those guys know how to get copies sold, and they write directly to your audience.

Thanks
1 reply

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ARSuarez

13 years ago

You're straining believability and the only proof element you have is your mechanism, the direct mail.

After 4 Years Of Trial And Error, And $10,655 In Testing, I Can Finally Say...

"If You Give Me Just 7 Minutes, I'll Reveal How You Can Add An Extra $3,000 - $4,000 - or Even $5,000 A Month To Your Income... Using Direct Mail... Within The Next 21 Days"

Now, that's obviously not perfect. It could use a lot of improvement. But it uses proposition, has more credibility, and sounds more sincere. Sure, it straddles the line of un-believability. But that's OK. You'll be giving your reader credibility that will suppress their doubts long enough to get into the letter.

Warm Regards,

Angel

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2 replies

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foxlobo123 13 years ago

Not So Good..that's just me.. we have different opinions anyway
- Thanks
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Joe Benjamin

13 years ago

Originally Posted by ARSuarez

You're straining believability and the only proof element you have is your mechanism, the direct mail.

After 4 Years Of Trial And Error, And $10,655 In Testing, I Can Finally Say...

"If You Give Me Just 7 Minutes, I'll Reveal How You Can Add An Extra $3,000 - $4,000 - or Even $5,000 A Month To Your Income... Using Direct Mail... Within The Next 21 Days"

Now, that's obviously not perfect. It could use a lot of improvement. But it uses proposition, has more credibility, and sounds more sincere. Sure, it straddles the line of un-believability. But that's OK. You'll be giving your reader credibility that will suppress their doubts long enough to get into the letter.

Warm Regards,

Angel

Thank you,

much more specific on the approach and honestly, it's strange but
it DID cost me around $5k+ to get to where I am now in experience
and knowledge about Direct Mail...I don't know why I didn't think to
include those specifics but hey, no one achieves success by them-
selves.

Anywho, it's been years since I wrote a salescopy so, I lost my mojo
and I don't intend on doing what I did then at the time to get it back
(hours and hours of studying copy and writing it out by hand)...so
the smartest thing for me to do is hire someone who understadns direct
mail copy and go from there.

Thanks

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