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-Expert Sales Page Help Needed - need help to convert

by MarketingVet09
22 replies
Hi guys. Really in need of some help. I had a boring, badly formatted, mutli-page sales copy that got zero sales...

...After studying, and reading what it takes to make a good copy, I rewrote everything and decided to put it all on one sales page.

It seems like the long sales page is keeping visitors for far less time than the multi-page site was. My guess is they leave instantly after not being sucked in by the headline, and thus not wanting to read the long copy.

Another thing that startled me.. The average time on the site went from 90 seconds to 18 seconds, after I put upfront in my adwords Ad the exact price of the product. I thought that if I put the price before they click, they'll already be expecting to pay, so they'll stay longer...

That backfired, so obviously I'm unsure of what I'm doing and need some professional advice on this letter and even the adwords ad being directed to it.

Before my current headline followed by video set up, I had tried a more creative headline with a deck copy, and the video a little further down the page.. But, I thought it'd be better to have the video above the fold, but I had to scrap the deck copy...



If you can specifically give your opinion on this aspect, and of course the overall letter, it would be immensely appreciated

many thanks to all that help.
#convert #expert #needed #page #sales
  • Profile picture of the author MarketingVet09
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    • Profile picture of the author Tina Golden
      Disclaimer: I am NOT a copywriter.

      However, I can tell you that the following line needs to go:
      I honestly wish I could give you back the 10 minutes of your life you've wasted so far...
      Also get rid of all the blathering on about what the "other guys" do to screw over people.

      All you're doing is putting negative thoughts in their heads and they won't be just about the "other guys". What it will do is get them thinking about all the diets and products they've tried and failed with. That negative feeling will rub off on you.

      Focus on what they'll get from your package, not the "other guys".

      Just my 1 3/4 cents,
      Tina
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      • Profile picture of the author MarketingVet09
        Originally Posted by TMG Enterprises View Post

        Disclaimer: I am NOT a copywriter.

        However, I can tell you that the following line needs to go:

        Also get rid of all the blathering on about what the "other guys" do to screw over people.

        All you're doing is putting negative thoughts in their heads and they won't be just about the "other guys". What it will do is get them thinking about all the diets and products they've tried and failed with. That negative feeling will rub off on you.

        Focus on what they'll get from your package, not the "other guys".

        Just my 1 3/4 cents,
        Tina

        I appreciate your feedback on that. I attempted to write this letter in a blunt, no non-sense tone. That actually did cross my mind about the "other guys", and once I get more feedback here that'll likely be removed.

        I do know my main problem has to be the landing page, whether thats the headline, headline font, spacing, video location or something (i believe). The majority of visitors aren't even spending enough time to read down that far.

        But anyway, thanks for your response. Can't wait to get more feedback on this.
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      • Profile picture of the author bareket57
        Originally Posted by TMG Enterprises View Post

        All you're doing is putting negative thoughts in their heads and they won't be just about the "other guys". What it will do is get them thinking about all the diets and products they've tried and failed with. That negative feeling will rub off on you.
        How very true! Indeed - what goes round comes round! If you spill sewage on the reputation of your competitors then the evil smell will stick to you as well. Don't fall into the trap of telling how bad others are compared to you - rather focus on telling your potential client how good your offer is.
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        • Profile picture of the author MarketingVet09
          Originally Posted by bareket57 View Post

          How very true! Indeed - what goes round comes round! If you spill sewage on the reputation of your competitors then the evil smell will stick to you as well. Don't fall into the trap of telling how bad others are compared to you - rather focus on telling your potential client how good your offer is.
          Thanks for your input. I've taken care of this now.

          Would you happen to have any feedback on a headline? I think that is my main issue. I'm going with the 150 Pound Miracle, but really which a little more info was left on whether to use a deck copy etc...
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          • Profile picture of the author Collette
            Originally Posted by Jusumax View Post

            ...
            Would you happen to have any feedback on a headline? I think that is my main issue. ...
            Not trying to be harsh here, but:

            Your main issue is NOT your headline. Your main "issue" is your product.

            There's NOTHING remarkable about your product. At least, not as currently presented.

            Here's the summary: You have a formula/system that can help people lose a lot of weight. The solution involves diet, nutrition, and lifestyle choices. You're offering a plan to follow, education and information, motivational resources, and tips on losing weight and keeping it off.

            Does any of that sound like a diet plan that someone else is already offering?

            And does any of that sound like something you can get from, say Weight Watchers?

            To sell in this market, you HAVE GOT to distinguish yourself from the rest. Right now, this is not happening.

            You have a 'Me-Too' product, and what I call a 'Gray Offer' - your product and offer doesn't stand out. They disappear. You could slap any one of a dozen different names on your product and offer, and no one would know the difference.

            Right now, nobody is going to be able to pick you out from the hordes of competitors - most of whom are bigger and better financed than you are.

            You need to have something unique and memorable that you can attach YOUR name to. Something that makes people say, "Oh, yeah... Isn't that the guy who [fill in the blank]"

            That "something" is almost certainly somewhere in your product and/or story. You need to find that special "something" to make your copy pop.

            Like I said, not trying to be harsh here. Just keeping it real.
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            • Profile picture of the author Collette
              P.S. Don't spend another cent on AdWords until you figure out your USP.
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            • Profile picture of the author MarketingVet09
              Originally Posted by Collette View Post

              Not trying to be harsh here, but:

              Your main issue is NOT your headline. Your main "issue" is your product.

              There's NOTHING remarkable about your product. At least, not as currently presented.

              Here's the summary: You have a formula/system that can help people lose a lot of weight. The solution involves diet, nutrition, and lifestyle choices. You're offering a plan to follow, education and information, motivational resources, and tips on losing weight and keeping it off.

              Does any of that sound like a diet plan that someone else is already offering?

              And does any of that sound like something you can get from, say Weight Watchers?

              To sell in this market, you HAVE GOT to distinguish yourself from the rest. Right now, this is not happening.

              You have a 'Me-Too' product, and what I call a 'Gray Offer' - your product and offer doesn't stand out. They disappear. You could slap any one of a dozen different names on your product and offer, and no one would know the difference.

              Right now, nobody is going to be able to pick you out from the hordes of competitors - most of whom are bigger and better financed than you are.

              You need to have something unique and memorable that you can attach YOUR name to. Something that makes people say, "Oh, yeah... Isn't that the guy who [fill in the blank]"

              That "something" is almost certainly somewhere in your product and/or story. You need to find that special "something" to make your copy pop.

              Like I said, not trying to be harsh here. Just keeping it real.

              Hi Collete, no offense taken.

              I understand exactly what you are saying. Honestly, I thought I could get over relying just on the backbone of the authentication and the rarity of the feat.

              I will say, people that have actually seen my product (a few Internet marketers on here, and a few overweight people in the real world), all tell me it's a great product, but of course no one buying it will be aware of that without seeing it for themselves.

              So basically, you are saying I need a gimmick.

              I actually have a few in my story, but they are not the focal point...

              Let me ask you this, in your opinion, would you even bother sprinkling the gimmick throughout the current site (mentioning it here and there, enough to get their attention), or is it something that you would personally feel would require a complete overhaul?

              The second option, if is the case, would require me getting a new domain likely (to mention the gimmick in it) and redoing the entire product.

              That may not be an option right now, at least not untill I can get my finances up.


              If you would be so kind to give your opinion on this... Also, can you tell me, which headline did you read that you didn't have an issue with? I just changed it to "The 150 Pound Miracle."

              Thanks for your input and time.
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              • Profile picture of the author fasteasysuccess
                The good news is your story is great but the bad news is your headline and the rest of the copy need to be redone and need to work in that great story right.

                Even if you have a killer headline now, this will only get them to the next part of the copy and then you lost them again. Every part of the copy has to keep them moving to the next.

                I wouldn't send any paid traffic to it anymore and don't even waste time promoting it until your copy is ready and set. This saves you time and money now and in the future.

                Plus like said, just put a little time in and come up with the unique selling point to your product. Why should they buy from you versus someone else? what is so special that I want to whip out my card and give you money?

                Copy to keep them interested and moving along to they can't take it anymore and buy. You want people to feel like they are investing so little to get such a reward and you are the trusted person to help them.

                Here's an extra tip-definitely sit down and think about your target market and when you write the copy, you want to really speak to the target market like you are one on one.

                Keep rolling man and you'll get better.
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              • Profile picture of the author Collette
                Originally Posted by Jusumax View Post

                ...
                So basically, you are saying I need a gimmick.

                I actually have a few in my story, but they are not the focal point...

                Let me ask you this, in your opinion, would you even bother sprinkling the gimmick throughout the current site (mentioning it here and there, enough to get their attention), or is it something that you would personally feel would require a complete overhaul?

                The second option, if is the case, would require me getting a new domain likely (to mention the gimmick in it) and redoing the entire product.

                That may not be an option right now, at least not untill I can get my finances up.


                ...
                I am definitely NOT recommending a "gimmick".

                I AM recommending that you dig into your product to see how you can position it in a way that's brings out its uniqueness.

                Based on your before/after photos, I don't think you need a "gimmick". It's obvious that whatever you did, works. That's a very strong position to be in. I think you just need to figure out how to tell your story more effectively than you are now.

                Without actually reviewing your product, I couldn't say whether it needs to be completely redone.

                Your sales page needs overhauling - get rid of the navigation bar, for a start. Don't give the reader so many choices to leave the letter. Leave the rest of the sie up, but keep the sales page on a separate page without the nav. And the domain name isn't rocking my world, but I don't think it's a deal killer.

                Also:

                And of course, my USP... Before my USP (or at least what I thought was a USP) was trying to discredit others products as untrustworthy (which frankly, a lot of them are bs), but since I'm getting the vibe thats not a good idea, I'll have to go another route.
                Discrediting the competition isn't a 'bad' idea, per se. However, to pull it off effectively, you need to present your alternative, point for point, as superior to theirs. So simply knocking the competition only gets you half-way there. You then have to - definitively - show how yours is better.
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                • Profile picture of the author MarketingVet09
                  Originally Posted by Collette View Post

                  I am definitely NOT recommending a "gimmick".

                  I AM recommending that you dig into your product to see how you can position it in a way that's brings out its uniqueness.

                  Based on your before/after photos, I don't think you need a "gimmick". It's obvious that whatever you did, works. That's a very strong position to be in. I think you just need to figure out how to tell your story more effectively than you are now.

                  Without actually reviewing your product, I couldn't say whether it needs to be completely redone.

                  Your sales page needs overhauling - get rid of the navigation bar, for a start. Don't give the reader so many choices to leave the letter. Leave the rest of the sie up, but keep the sales page on a separate page without the nav. And the domain name isn't rocking my world, but I don't think it's a deal killer.

                  Also:



                  Discrediting the competition isn't a 'bad' idea, per se. However, to pull it off effectively, you need to present your alternative, point for point, as superior to theirs. So simply knocking the competition only gets you half-way there. You then have to - definitively - show how yours is better.
                  Hey Collete, thanks again for your information.

                  And when I said gimmick, I didn't mean a bs gimmick, but, a unique selling angle.

                  I should know this, I grew up on WWF / WWE.


                  You have Hulk Hogan the All American Good Boy, Shawn Michaels the Ladies Man, Stone Cold the beer guzzling redneck etc etc...


                  All of those are what they call "gimmicks".. Something to set them apart.. It's just now coming to light.


                  Thanks a bunch again.
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          • Profile picture of the author bareket57
            Originally Posted by Jusumax View Post

            Thanks for your input. I've taken care of this now.

            Would you happen to have any feedback on a headline? I think that is my main issue. I'm going with the 150 Pound Miracle, but really which a little more info was left on whether to use a deck copy etc...
            Personally, I think that if you over stress a point in an unrealistic way then you loose credibility. To describe a successful diet as a miracle is a gross exaggeration. A successful diet is something which is within the limits of biology and not a miracle which goes beyond the boundaries of nature.
            A more convincing title would be "The secret method for shedding 150 pounds - this worked for me and it will also work for you".
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  • Profile picture of the author MarketingVet09
    Originally Posted by Ken_Caudill View Post

    The 150 Pound Miracle.
    Not to be slow, but headline I assume? And keep the video right underneath it?

    thanks
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    • Profile picture of the author Oxbloom
      Originally Posted by Jusumax View Post

      Not to be slow, but headline I assume? And keep the video right underneath it?

      thanks
      If it *were* a headline, would *you* stop and see what else was going on?
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      • Profile picture of the author MarketingVet09
        Originally Posted by Oxbloom View Post

        If it *were* a headline, would *you* stop and see what else was going on?
        Honestly, it's not about me and my preferences, which is why I'm seeking opinions. A line that I thought would be effective due to it's straight forwardness, TMG thinks it's the worst line in the copy and needs to be scrapped.

        If you have any personal input I'm all ears.
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  • Profile picture of the author methomas
    Jusumax,

    I sent you a PM.

    One thing about weight loss. It is 95% bought by women and being blunt is the last thing to do, that is, if you want to make sales.

    M E
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  • Profile picture of the author BradCarroll
    Want some headline help? Your headline really is the most important part of your letter--it determines how many people read the rest of the page. I came onto the forum just now to see if anybody needed help testing or replacing their headlines--and your thread was at the top of the forum! I'll send you a PM.

    As for the rest:

    I think you have an excellent success story, but you definitely need to work on how you present it in relation to your customer. Not just in relation to your product, but to your customer.

    For example right here:

    My name is Justin Suggs, and I am here to share with you how I, in just 8 months, melted off 150 pounds. Not Fifty, not One Hundred, but ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS… Poof. Gone. Vamoose. History…
    Should probably read something more like:

    My name is Justin Suggs, and I am here to share with you how you can melt off 150 pounds in just 8 months! I know it's possible because I did it myself. And I know how to make it work for you.
    That switches the focus from you to your customer. You may be the most important person in your own world--that's just natural and human--but when it comes to the sales page, it's all about your customer.

    When it comes to your sales page, you have to "exploit" yourself a little. Use yourself as proof, as a selling tool. You are not the star of the show here--and neither is your product! Your customer is the sole star, and your entire sales message needs to revolve around that.

    Like others have said, you also need to show how & why your system is unique. It sounds like you have an interesting story, and if you "mine it for gold," you will find what you're looking for.
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    • Profile picture of the author MarketingVet09
      Originally Posted by BradCarroll View Post

      Want some headline help? Your headline really is the most important part of your letter--it determines how many people read the rest of the page. I came onto the forum just now to see if anybody needed help testing or replacing their headlines--and your thread was at the top of the forum! I'll send you a PM.

      As for the rest:

      I think you have an excellent success story, but you definitely need to work on how you present it in relation to your customer. Not just in relation to your product, but to your customer.

      For example right here:



      Should probably read something more like:



      That switches the focus from you to your customer. You may be the most important person in your own world--that's just natural and human--but when it comes to the sales page, it's all about your customer.

      When it comes to your sales page, you have to "exploit" yourself a little. Use yourself as proof, as a selling tool. You are not the star of the show here--and neither is your product! Your customer is the sole star, and your entire sales message needs to revolve around that.

      Like others have said, you also need to show how & why your system is unique. It sounds like you have an interesting story, and if you "mine it for gold," you will find what you're looking for.

      Hi, thanks for your feedback.

      Not to be defensive at all, but that sentence you quoted, is one of the only times I mention myself. I know I have to get it in there somewhere.

      I'm going to add something to the customer in the deck copy... So I can set the tone that it's all about them... I'm dying for someone to tell me if this "The 150 Pound Miracle" headline, followed by video, is sufficient.. Or if I need to be more customer focused here...


      I do believe I need to go back and add in more benefits for the customer, which I tried to do but probably can do much better.

      And of course, my USP... Before my USP (or at least what I thought was a USP) was trying to discredit others products as untrustworthy (which frankly, a lot of them are bs), but since I'm getting the vibe thats not a good idea, I'll have to go another route.


      So now, I'm going to work on doing the best I can to maximize a unique selling angle, without having to rewrite my entire product..

      Hopefully I can do it. Will post back to get feedback once it's done.

      Any other feedback that comes, cannot tell you how appreciated it is.

      Thanks everyone
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  • Profile picture of the author BradCarroll
    Justin,

    You're totally right that you don't mention yourself too much--but my money is on that, you'll keep more readers if you're focusing on them from the very start. People are selfish and think about themselves first.

    You have an interesting story and it looks like you can really use it to help you sell--and I think you really should talk a lot about your own success in the body of the letter.

    But as far as your lead-in goes, my money is on your readers wanting to hear about what you can do for them first, and wanting to see the proof (what you did for yourself) second.

    I could be wrong, but it can't hurt to try.
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  • Profile picture of the author BradCarroll
    Something like,

    "If You've Got 8 Months, I Can Help You Lose 150 lbs.--Just Like I Did!"

    "Who Wants to Lose 150 lbs in a Year? Let Me Show You How I Did it in Just 8 Months--and How You Can Too!"

    These are just some examples off the top of my head...I would have to write several more in a row to come up with something really killer, but hopefully these give the general idea.

    And once you find what makes your product really, really unique, you can work that into the headline and make it even stronger.
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  • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
    3 words.

    Hire a copywriter.

    When you need a house built, you call a professional contractor.

    When you need your car fixed, you call a professional mechanic.

    When you have a broken leg, you go to a professional doctor.

    When you need copy that sells, hire a professional copywriter.
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