Looking for a Critique

by timsum

Posted: 13 years ago 10 replies

COPY WRITING

Hi everyone,

Just looking for a critique of good, bad and ugly on my sales page. The goal is for user to opt-in.

I've just tweaked it to add a testimonial (waiting for more). Prior to that the opt-in rate was at like 6% which seems really low for just an email submit.

I'm also going to split test a 2-3 min video and see how that does.

rent2ownhomesolutions.ca

All comments are welcome!

Thanks,
Tim

#critique

ewenmack 13 years ago

Hi Tim,

Your good point is knowing what action you want the reader to take.

Bad point is your execution.

Your page is trying to do too much.

OK, for the solution.

Get yourself a squeeze page...as in a proper one
with big sign up form and big arrow pointing to it.

Your headline needs to wake up your ideal reader out of his
passive state.

Like...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
To every home renter in [your city]...
"If You Hate The Idea Of Paying Rent To Feed Your Landlord's Luxury Lifestyle,
Then This Will Be The Most Important Message You Ever Read... Here's Why...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Then you go in with a 3 or 4 killer bullets which ramp up the readers emotions and curiosity.

Once you get this done, just test different headings and bullets.

Best,
Ewen
- Thanks
- 1 reply
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- maximus242 13 years ago
  
  Its hard to read, text is dense.
  
  Change the color of the headline
  
  You havent sold the reader on reading the ad.
  
  Your trying to do what is basically halberts way of selling but your messing it up.
  
  Its actually not bad copy, its not that good but its not horrible.
  You are definatly trying to do too much, email opt-ins are like impulse sales, you
  Your not really talking about the benefits to the reader clearly enough or up front.
  
  Okay this is what you should do, you have some okay content what the problem is how you've done it isnt going to perform very well.
  
  Instead I would do a video where you give your top 3 tips for anyone looking to rent a home, then offer to give them more secrets if they opt-in to your email newsletter.
  
  Also go over some of the amazing secrets they will discover once they opt in.
  
  So heres your structure, give them some tips about renting a home to own, then offer them more tips if they opt in to your email newsletter and entice them with some of the amazing secrets they will discover (aka bullets)
  
  1. Free Info
  2. Present your offer
  3. Entice with bullets
  4. Close
  
  The quality of your free information and the quality of your bullets is going to determine the response rate for this squeeze page
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  timsum 13 years ago
  
  Thanks for the tips!
  
  I'm going to create a couple more pages and split test to see how well they do.
  
  Do you think long copy is a good idea for email submit? Or is it used more for a final sale?
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  ewenmack 13 years ago
  
  Tim,
  
  Stick to the formula I gave you for the email submit.
  
  For your sales page, study this video Text Your Wife Into Bed
  
  Use video to do the selling, like that example.
  
  Best,
  Ewen
  
  Thanks
  
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gaolin100 13 years ago

nice.
i think you web is very nice!
- Thanks
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shayman

13 years ago

Hi Tim
on a slightly different point I think that you need to invest in some kind of logo. Just the line Rent 2 Own doesn't look very professional. Just something simple would do I think but it would offer more credibility to your service. There are places out there that will do you a nice logo for as little as $19!
Regards
Shayman

Thanks
1 reply

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timsum

13 years ago

Originally Posted by ewenmack

Tim,

Stick to the formula I gave you for the email submit.

For your sales page, study this video Text Your Wife Into Bed

Use video to do the selling, like that example.

Best,
Ewen

Thank Ewen. I'll test out a simple squeeze page and see how that does. You think the bullets I have are compelling enough?

Originally Posted by shayman

Thanks Shayman. Any suggestions on places?

Thanks

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RickDuris 13 years ago

I appreciate the time you spent building this website out. However... Having done MANY sites like this, I can tell you this:

1. Your website is TOO professional. Too generic. It needs to be PERSONAL. There needs to be a story behind each property. You don't want to sell from an inventory. You want to sell a SINGLE home which fits their needs. Get the future tenant as seeing themselves in the home.

2. There is no sense of urgency. Like pick up the phone and call NOW. You're asking for their name and email, what about their mobile number? Hook up some sort of personalized automated SMS reply. Treat Rent To Own Homes as rare. Not like apartments. Rent To Own Homes come and go quickly. People in this economy want to reestablish their equity and credit. Rent to Own is one way.

3. Your points are good, they just have to be personalized and individualized.
- Thanks
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CopyRanger.com
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Vincenzo Oliva 13 years ago

Maybe it's me, but I can see how a blog all about "YOU" is going to interest any readers.
It's not even focused on a specific niche.
- Thanks
- 1 reply
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- timsum 13 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Vincenzo Oliva
  
  Maybe it's me, but I can see how a blog all about "YOU" is going to interest any readers.
  It's not even focused on a specific niche.
  
  Wrong link dude. Check the OP.
  
  Thanks
  
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Looking for a Critique

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