Critique my site please

Why did you remove the bonuses? I think for that market, they're in research mode and those probably have a lot of perceived value. They're hungry and it looks like more food.

I still think the headline needs work... I would use something that let's them qualify themself instantly (i.e "IS YOUR MARRIAGE IN A RUT?") followed by something like "Mother of 5 Reveals Her Step-by-Step...______...Guaranteed to _______6*9 and ______ ;-p"

then i'd start off with a story relating to them and how you understand their sex life sucks so does everybody elses --->reason why + social proof and.... "it's not their fault"

then a little bit of fear (divorce) and followed again by the solution and they are going to be better than all the other boring people.

you gotta use social proof and they you have to make them feel special - go figure!

Rob is right.

You want to create the FEELING of owning the results of
the product, IN THE FUTURE. So your pictures should
portray people as they wish to be, not as they presently
are. This is a tested advertising axiom. Pictures of attractive,
healthy looking people outpull pictures of the opposite.

Try to get your reader to visualize the satisfaction, relaxation
and fun of having a night out - even a glamourous one, stepping
out to a nice club.

Julian, the target market is parents, which is why the story and everything else go with the children aspect..the subtitle of the book is 52 date nights for parents.

Will see about adding in the page link idea part.

For the text being thick, are you meaning bolding the start of the sentances like the few you indicated or putting in more sentances in that are in complete bold?

Asloz,
I do have a blog and everything that is attached to the site, so maybe just linking to that, as it has an assortment of articles related to this on it and its only links out are back to the salespage.

Not going the PPC route but I think I will those things anyways.

Not really going the sex route, this is a date night for parents to reconnect and to get to know each other again. No sex tips or anything like that in the book, just simle creative and inexpensive date nights at home.

Will add the bonuses back in though.

Okay sell the dream, picture the dream. Will do. In regards to this do you think I should get rid of the pic with the bills? Maybe take out that entire section and use the happy playful one up top instead?

Thank everyone for the feedback and I will go see what I can do about adding to it.

What are the three p's?

Went through and found the spelling mistakes you were talking about and the incidence of y ou.

See I thought of that, but it doesn't mesh with the book because these are date nights at home. Which is why I went with the one of the happy couple togetehr at home.

Okay I see a number of things.

First off is the headline. Negative headlines are dangerous to the pocket book. If your going to use them you have to know...

How To Strike The Fear Of God In Them!

If your going to go negative headline, make it bold, make it dramatic and make it highly highly believable. Then you'll have their attention.

Such as... ahem

1 in 4 Women Over 30 Will Die From This Flesh Eating Disease

Or...

If Your A Woman Over 30 You Have A 25% Chance Of Dieing From This Horrible Flesh Eating Disease

Why haven't we been told these facts? The American Medical Association has been releasing reports every year, for the past 27 years proving that one in four women will die from this horrible flesh eating disease... and the worst part is... its completely preventable!

Are you ready to play Russian Roulette with your life?

Now, I just made all that up in about 30 seconds. However, if your a woman over thirty, I bet I got your attention ^_^

Personally im not a fan of negative headlines, Caples warned against them.

I am guessing you are selling to married women, probably ages 30-50 who are in troubled relationships or who are paranoid.

If your going to scare people you have to really scare them. But a far better way is to scare them without letting them know your TRYING to scare them. Because when people know your purposely trying to induce fear in them then they can get retalious.

What you should do instead is to figure out... What would get the attention of a married woman who was worried about her marriage?

Also if you are going to use a story... USE A REAL ONE or a really good fake one. Talk about how your marriage was on the rocks, fearing the worst, make it bold make it dramatic and then talk about how you saved your marriage.

Now this is how you could do it.

How Silvia Rolfe Saved Her Marriage And Her Family... And How You Can Do It Too!

------

How To Save Your Marriage (simple but it works)

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If Your A Woman In A Troubled Marriage, You Need To Know These Facts! -- Written By A Woman

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Who Else Wants To Keep Their Husband?


If you want to induce fear, its good to do it through topical headlines. Like

"Investors Make 1000% Gains -- In Worst Stock Market Crash In 20 Years!"

"Divorce Rates Skyrocket! Happiest Married Couples Reveal Their Secrets To Staying Happy"

Anyways this is all off the top of my head. Now if your going to use the "heres how I saved my marriage and how you can save yours" thing. Then here is a great opening sentence for you

Dear Friend,

If you would like to stay happily married... then... here is how I saved my marriage in Arkansas (random state I picked) and how you can save yours.

Thats a killer opening line to use, its money.

You need more bullets too. Not enough bullets at all.

I would cut the lame ass story. If your going to do a story then do it right like the Wall Street Journal Ad (google it). Yours sounds so fake. The Wall Street Journal one sounds authentic.

Your testimonial is hard to read. Cut out the bold, add more spaces, improve readability.

Oh I had another headline idea

"How To Relive The Passion You Both Had On Your Honey Moon Everyday"

Sell them on the bonuses more, tell them what they get in the bonuses.

Give a better description of the book, what it will do for them. Find your usp. Tell them why your book is different than every other book on the market and how your book is the only one that solves their unique problem.

When youve done all that, pm me and ill have a look at it.

Iklein,
Thanks. I am slowly trying to make it better as it really wasn't converting very well.

I think it looks way better now and personally, as well as I have heard from many others the story does great. The bullets I changed and used from the original because as one critique I recieved pointed out they were much better than the ones on the new letter. I am also going to put each bonus into its own box with a few bullets on each and move them further up the page.

I don't think much beyond that is going to change for now, except I may remove that one testimonial and try to see if I can get better ones that say more along the lines of this worked for us type testimonials. Showing that it works and that it isnt simply a case of them liking it.

Thank you all very much for your help.

Hey Sylvia,

I think it looks A LOT better! nice job.. I was also gonna say you should build more value into the bonuses instead of and "oh by the way" and I just saw you did that

(I'd also consider putting a value on each one of least $14.95 so in essence they are getting your book "free")

And I still think you should raise the price to $27 or $29.95 - at least test it... it doesn't have to convert as well and you'll still make more money.

Good Luck.

What happens? or where do I download chrome to check it out. I checked it on various Firefox and IE's on both this computer (which is my widescreen laptop) and on my desktop.