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Good, Bad, and Ugly?

by jbelt594
7 replies
Hey Everyone,

This is my first post....but I have actually used peoples' services in the past from different sections and will continue to do so. With that being said...I was hoping for a little honest critique or two from anyone willing to take a minute. Below is the name to a site I will be marketing. It is a membership site...and my first attempt at writing sales copy.

warriorbodies (sorry, cannot put the dot com part and make a link as I am a newbie)

When I am truly happy with everything.....I will be aggressive with as many forms of advertising as possible....but I want to make sure I don't drive traffic to something that couldn't convert.

Thanks a million to whomever takes it for a test drive!
Jon Paul
#bad #copywriting #good #sales #ugly
  • Profile picture of the author jamesgillespe
    The video on the site is very good. It delivers the message straight and is appealing too. However, i must say, you need to do a lot of internet marketing to make your message heard and just putting one video won't take you to the level you aspire for. Secondly, you need to re-organize the site in a way that this video is still available right on top but there are other important links, reviews, and things that people must relate to and keep coming back for. Without content, you won't be able to dent into online thing (being a content writer i think like that ). Best of luck for your venture.

    James
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  • Profile picture of the author AdwordsMogul
    Hi Jon,

    Here is the deal: you have a good start but your copy is not here yet.

    You've got your headline almost right - about 75% there.

    Honestly, even the video has high production quality it doesn't sell anything.

    It's just too generic.

    Your copy "talks a lot without saying anything".

    You need to focus more on the results and how easy you can make it for them to get it.

    Your video testimonials - really? None of those guys have got warrior bodies. Oh, and one of them is a girl - not the best idea. Men and women don't believe the same program will work for both - even if it does.

    If you are going to use video testimonials the best way to go is to get the guys to film before and after they used your program. Again, that's what people in your market want to see before they buy.

    If you insist on keeping the video place your headline before it.

    In any case you are much better of using a web cam, with your shirt off, exposing your warrior body. If you deliver your message that way it will be more authentic and will actually sell something.
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  • Profile picture of the author sr41056
    Very professional looking. The header looks great and the videos are well done.
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  • Profile picture of the author desibabs4u
    where is the site?
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  • Profile picture of the author MissLauraCatella
    With regards to your headline: I think you can improve the very last bit of it to really make it land. "Entire life amazing" is a super generic throwaway that loses my interest and makes you look like you're promising on things you can't deliver (it is quite a bold claim, after all). Put a more specific benefit of your service here instead, which I think will be fairly easy for you to do, and it'll be a big help!
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