What do you think of this sales letter?

by iThinkhard

Posted: 13 years ago 26 replies

COPY WRITING

Hi,

I am a web designer, I created recently my own web design studio.. I was frustrated in the begining because I have sent more tha 50 emails to prospect clients to create or redesign their websites, but I didn't got any result..
so I hired a professional copywriter who wrote me this sales letter?

Can your website impress in 7 seconds?

According to web research, if you haven't grabbed their attention in seven seconds, you've lost another customer, another visitor, and another chance at a profit.

As a small business owner, you need a website that works - and that's where Spruce Web Studio can help.

I know why you've avoided professional web design in the past:

 It costs too much. (You can't afford $1000+)
 You don't know what you need. (You're not a web designer.)
 You're afraid you won't like the results. (You don't know what to expect.)
 You're afraid to trust anyone with your website. (You think the designer will create a horrible site or make your business look like a joke.)

I understand and I want to help you. I'll make it easy for you, I promise.

But you NEED a website.

 Millions of customers look online first.
 Your competition is already online.
 A web presence is necessary to reach the global marketplace.
 You level the playing field.
 You create a connection with customers.
 You can showcase your expertise.

A professionally designed website helps you connect with customers, anytime of the day or night, allowing you to make connections and forge new relationships. You can reach out to people around the world, allowing you to generate more sales now and in the future.

Spruce Web Studio specializes in helping small businesses and individuals promote their ideas, their products, and their websites.

We offer:

 A complete web design package for as low as 400USD
 Hosting and a domain name cost included for two years
 Six months of support
 Six months of site revisions
 100% money back guarantee in the first 60 days.
 A full view of your website BEFORE you pay anything.
 An elegant and eye-catching website
 Beautiful typography
 Harmonious site colors

What's the Catch?

There's no catch. Really. I want to build a portfolio of websites and I want to help you have the best possible website.

One small thing - I'm limiting this offer to the first 30 businesses or individuals that sign up, so you will need to make the decision right now whether your website is worth an upgrade.

Plus, I can't do all of this work for this low price forever.

So really, the only catch is to me - I'll be the one putting in the hours to redesign or design your website. If you don't like it, you don't have to pay for it.

What do you have to lose except more business online? You need a high quality website and Spruce Web Studio will provide you with the best possible site for the best possible price.

Don't take it personally that I'm contacting you. I noticed your site could be better and I wanted to help.

Let's make your website the best it can be.

YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE.

Thanks for your time,

Hatem Talebi
Spruce Web Studio
spruce-ws.com

What do you think of the letter? is there any way that I can improve it to make it work?

Thank you very much

#letter #sales

Quality Copywriter 13 years ago

Hi there

I think it looks ok but there are a few areas that need attention.

you can talk more with me through Work Samples | Creative copy that converts

thanks
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rammonster 13 years ago

I know why you've avoided professional web design in the past:

I'm not a professional copywriter or anything but I'm pretty sure that many of the veteran's here will have something to say about this.

-Kunal
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jimbo13 13 years ago

I don't think this will get you any replies myself.

However, my answer is not based on your letter. Could be a Post-It note for all I care.

The reason is this.

If you telephone or walk into businesses you will hit someone interested eventually and you can quickly get them into a conversation.

You only require a couple of things to do this.

1. A good basic sales book if you have no idea on the mechanics of a sale, and

2. A little bit of courage.

However if you write a letter to businesses and hit someone interested they aren't going to jump to the phone or into a taxi. They are going to look at your website address in the letter first.

In other words you have absolutely no control.

It's one of the reasons for such a low conversion rate when using mail for this sort of thing.

And I have done just that.

And you have lost me.

Probably not what you wanted to hear.

Dan

PS: I'm nothing to do with this market to be honest but I am right. Doesn't matter what nonsense anyone below me posts about what you can do to tinker your letter.
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Vadym 13 years ago

I wouldn't inject scarcity into the salescopy because:

a) People who run successful small businesses do so by making weighed out/careful decisions. You're not selling them 2-for-1 Slap Chops.
b) There's a mess of other cheap web designers out there. There's no element for scarcity.

Imo, you should take your copy in the direction of leading prospects towards a "free consultation".
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Daniel Harper 13 years ago

I'm afraid that's a terrible sales letter, beginning with the headline. Can you share with us how much you paid this copywriter?

As far as the headline, the idea of it isn't bad. It just needs to be refined. Here's some crazy stuff just off the top of my head.

How about ...

When Your Business Has Just 7 Seconds To Make The Sale ...

or..

Why Most Business Websites Lose The Sale In The First 7 Seconds ..
And How You Can Make Sure You're Not One Of Them

or ...

90% Of Business Websites Lose Sale In The First 7 Seconds
Is Yours One Of Them?

or..

7 Seconds That No Business Can Afford To Get Wrong

or...

How To Beat The Pants Of Your Competition
In 7 Seconds Or Less
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writeandreview 13 years ago

I agree with Vadym about consultations. Especially since you're trying to build your portfolio.

I was in software, both products and professional services, for years. When you're dealing with "one-offs" and custom software, most SMBs want to examples of what you've done before and then a prototype of what you can do to better their specific situation. If you get that far you follow it up with a proposal and specs.

I'm not sure if a long sales letter is the way to go in your case. Shots of the sites you've designed, testimonials from customers and a professional write-up in a decent trade mag or tech website would work better.

As far as the copy, give more focus to benefits.

For example, "beautiful typography" is a feature. What benefit does beautiful typography provide?

It's eye catching, easy to read, let's the eye flow effortlessly from paragraph to paragraph, gives a sense of order and professionalism, directs attention, draws emphasis to important points, etc ...

And, just a note from software pro to software pro, I didn't see any mention of integration with social sites. If I were running a software shop these days, I'd make sure that was a part of my pitch.

Good luck!
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zaggernaut 13 years ago

Hatem,

Some points i would like to add towards helping you understand the sales copy psychology-

- This sales letter has an ordinary headline.Its your most important podium moment that you get for .ummm...3 seconds. You surely blow it my friend. It must address the most important problem of your prospects. And/Or offer the mostly appealing solution.

- Your 'stating the problems' part is built upon a wrong presumption. You have assessed the buying motive wrongly. You presume that they have so far 'avoided professional design' service. Then you state so reasons. Wrong presumptions followed by wrong arguments to justify them.You loose that right there.

Just start by answering why would someone need a pro website? what are the business losses of not having a good site? \what is a 'good site'? List some valid issues with poorly designed sites. again keep harping on the business implications.

THEN....then only...

State what you have to offer. list some benefits and features.

I hope it helped.
- Thanks
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travlinguy 13 years ago

I'm not sure what the first set of bullets is supposed to be doing for you. When you say, I know why you’ve avoided professional web design in the past...

You then present a set of bullets that barely touch the issue. The reason they don't have a Website is this: They don't know what it can do for them.

Yep. That's it right there. Then your professional copywriter says this:

A professionally designed website helps you connect with customers, anytime of the day or night, allowing you to make connections and forge new relationships. You can reach out to people around the world, allowing you to generate more sales now and in the future.

He or she has gotten a little closer to the REAL reason they need a Website but is still dancing around the issue with stuff like connecting with customers, forging new relationships. Duh. Yeah, they're going to connect and forge but who cares. You can follow the real reason for a site with that stuff after you push their MONEY buttons a few times.

Get to the point already. The real reason any business needs a site is this:

Because it will put more money in their pockets.

Right up front you say that you've got seven seconds to capture the visitor's attention and then you piddle around with a bunch of marginally relevant cow chip bullets. Guess what? They're already gone because connecting with customers is vague. Try telling them that a properly designed site is going to put money in their bank account.

Then tell them how they can do it with bullets. Then tell them about it again. And in closing let me remind you that a Website will bring more to their bottom line. Follow?

That's it. Once you've gotten their attention with what every business under the sun wants, MONEY, then show them a few testimonials from folks that used you and increased their profits. When you repeat the real reason in several different ways they'll magically come to the conclusion that a Website can bring in more sales. Wow, what a concept, huh? This is really a pretty easy piece to write.

The page as it stands is almost useless. There are a couple of items that might be salvaged but for the most part this thing is going nowhere. Sorry to break it to you but, you need a complete rewrite. I’d suggest you start with a proven copywriter. Good luck.
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brik2500 13 years ago

Not bad, during the intro...you'll see I try to focus on this as much as possible...

THE PAIN...they may be having......things that you said you were facing...

Paint scenarios that they may be facing....ask them rhetorical questions....

Because that's what they're thinking....hopefully that makes sense?

I like the 7 secs method....I would take out "according to research"

because it's a little wordy, and just leave the 7 second part in there...

BEST
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Dexx

13 years ago

Originally Posted by iThinkhard

so I hired a professional copywriter who wrote me this sales letter?

Replace "professional" with "guy who pretended to be a" ...Fixed!

~Dexx

Thanks
1 reply

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TracyNeedham

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Dexx

Replace "professional" with "guy who pretended to be a" ...Fixed!

~Dexx

I do think a letter can work really well, especially if you include a few things with it, but this one has some serious issues.

Like someone else said, the headline doesn't do it. I can't tell if you're targeting people without a website at all or people with a crappy website, your copy kind of talks to both so it's hard to suggest a better headline. But it really has to speak to their big pain point--wanting more money--whether that's sales, services, patients...you have to speak their language.

I wouldn't lead off with why they hadn't done it before and I wouldn't have phrased it like that. Make them feel the pain of having no or a crappy site first. Make them see what they're missing. Then tackle objections in a less heavy-handed manner.

I think some of your benefits and features are out of touch with what your market wants.

But one HUGE problem...I'm not seeing a call to action where you specifically ask for the business and tell them how to hire you. Maybe you took it out before posting this, but if not, that's a huge mistake your writer made.

You can't just put a URL in your signature. People are lazy and distracted. You've got to spell it out.

As someone said, if you're reaching out to local businesses, they'll probably want a meeting. Or at the very least a short phone consultation.

Yes, it's an extra step but I think you'll have a lot more luck with it.

Thanks
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iThinkhard

13 years ago

Hi there! Thank you all for the great comments.

@jimbo13: I can't afford to work with lazy business owner that find it difficult to send an email to profit from a great opportunity to get their website done by a professional, risk free!
if they are lazy now, they will be lazier to get their checkbook out to pay me.

@Vadym: I would agree with you to remove scarcity from the sales letter if I was selling eBooks, but that's not the case here. My most precious resource is time and my time is limited. Plus I must be careful in my choice of prospects because I WILL NOT BE GETTING ANY MONEY BEFORE THE WORK IS DONE.

@Daniel Harper: I have to admit that I am blue at copywriting and marketing. when I first received the letter I thought it was brilliant. But from all the comment's I've read here, I think you are all right. Terrible is the least that I can say about it.

@writeandreview: good point regarding social integration; I am surely going to add that to the pitch.

@zaggernaut: yes, the most important problem for my prospects is getting more money, period. the second most from my point of view is ego, I think that every business owner wants a better website than his competitors. That's what I wanted to emphasis in the letter.

@travlinguy: Before thinking to hire a copywriter, I thought to myself that I don't need a sales letter. I was convinced that my offer was extremely powerful that a short email will bring me customers like crazy! Where in the world could a business owner find a web designer willing to do his website A to Z with no up-front money and the only hope that I will get paid if he liked my work! But for some mysterious reasons that didn't worked, and this is why hired a copywriter: just to fill the blank around this incredible offer.

@Dexx: she is a professional writer, ghostwriter and copywriter (according to her website and the reviews she got on guru.com)

@TracyNeedham: I read somewhere that less than 10% of internet users open emails with unsolicited offers, most of them don't trust people they don't know. So I decided to send my letters by direct mail, and I can't put a call for action on paper other than inviting them to visit my website or send me an email if they are interested. I am probably going to include in the letter a questionnaire to be filled by the prospect and a prepaid envelope.

I have rewritten the letter myself based on some great classics, and here is what I've come up with:

URGENT: Please hand this to the manager of <business name> – Highly time sensitive offer.
- - DO NOT throw it away as it will be VERY IMPORTANT to the person concerned, thank you.

FROM: Hatem, The Owner of Spruce Web Studio – RisOrangis, France.

"We Are Currently Giving Small Business in Your Area Premium Custom-Designed Website Worth Up to $2000 for only $400.
--This Offer Expires on April 16, 2011 or Once We’re Fully Booked!"

Dear Fellow Business Friend,

If you’ve thought about getting a website but have been putting it off, the time to act is NOW!

We’re a new design firm in France and would like to expand our portfolio; we are offering other small business in your area custom designed websites for only $400.

Here’s a deal that you’d be crazy to miss out on…

Get Your Premium Custom-designed Website worth Up To $2000 for only $400, and pay the entire sum upon delivery. If you don’t like it you don’t have to pay for it.

This is what we can offer you:

• A premium custom-designed website look and feel to suite your business or organization, as per your specifications
• Stunning, Powerful, and Professional Web Pages to ATTRACT NEW CUSTOMERS and help you make more money! Up to 10 pages with images.
• Full support of a high-end web design firm but without the crazy price tag!
• Professional Domain Name of your choice for the first year – FREE.
• Hosting of your web site on our server for the first year – FREE.

You can save thousands of dollars in design fees by taking us up on this LIMITED TIME offer. In fact, we encourage you to request quotes from various website design firms. You’ll be utterly shocked at the unbelievably high prices they charge - guaranteed!

You’re probably thinking “Great, but what’s the catch?”

There is no catch. Really. We are a new web design firm and we want to build our portfolio by helping small business owners get the best possible websites at a very reasonable price. However we're certain you'll enjoy your website so much that we hope you will recommend our services around you for the years to come. This is when we'll see some profit by charging new customers the regular starting price of $2000.

So really, the only catch is to us – We will be the ones putting in the hours to design your website. You are under no obligation to pay for the website if you don’t like it, but we promise that we will do our best to deliver an awesome chef d'oeuvre that for sure will take your business to the next level.

Remember, we design your site, register your domain name and set up your hosting - all for only $400. You only pay once you are fully happy with our work... we are certain that most of your competitors have their own websites earning them publicity 24/7 on the internet, and that’s how they can attract more customers and more money. If you are serious about your business, you have to get your site up and running as soon as possible regardless of who creates it. All this work takes up to 18 - 21 hours to complete and the usual billing rate for such quality work is around $90 per hour. We hope you can see value in this rare opportunity!

How to get started

First of all, please visit our website and look at our portfolio so you can see our work at:

spruce-ws.com

Next, send a message using the contact page to brief us about your project. We generally get in touch in less than 24 hours.

Next have a look at our FAQs page, which is attached towards the end of this letter. If you still have any unanswered questions, please free to contact us at anytime.

Here’s how you can immediately secure your premium custom-designed $400 website…

Contact us right away and ask for your spot to be booked. We’ll then email you the link where you can follow the work on your website, and we can get started to get your business in front of a huge online customer base. But please act today…because not surprisingly we are getting booked really fast and we simply cannot afford to run this offer for much longer.

Warmly,

Hatem Talebi
Owner, Spruce Web Studio
contact [at] spruce-ws.com
spruce-s.com

P.S. We also offer SEO services. After we build your website we can provide GUARANTEED PAGE ONE ranking. You can start seeing results in as little as 14 days and we offer a 30 day money back guarantee!
When someone searches <business name> how many more customers do you think you could get if your business showed up FIRST in the search results?

P.P.S. If you’ve been waiting to get a website or aren’t sure if you need one the time to act is NOW. Contact us today so we can help you get the online presence you deserve at contact[at]spruce-ws.com The Internet is only getting bigger and you definitely don’t want to get left behind!

Frequently Asked Questions

Please do contact us if your still have any questions unanswered...we are here to help.

Q. What happens after I've booked my spot for this incredible offer?

Once we’ve got your message, we will email you our ‘Content Guide’. This is a Microsoft Word document you can quickly and easily follow to write up content for your website. The document also shows you how to find your site address (domain name), website style, what pages you require and also what images you’d like and where you’d like them.

Q. Who writes out the content for my site?

It's your business/organization and website so you're the best person to decide what information you'd like published. You can use your ads, flyers, brochures and other business information to create your content.

Q. How can I change my content after the site is published?

Soon after your site is published for the first time, I’ll send you an ‘Amendment Guide’ document. You can use this document to specify any changes, corrections etc. We will then do those changes and send you another “Amendment Guide” document to ensure all the changes have been done correctly to your satisfaction. Once you’re happy, we will publish your site. Any changes after that can be done at a super low cost of $20 per hour…or done free of charge at our discretion.

Q. What types of businesses and organizations can use your $400 website offer?

Our services are best suited for those wanting informational websites, corporate sites, products and services informational sites or not-for-profit sites. However we currently do not cater for those wanting to set up e-commerce storefronts. Our clients range from trades people such as painters, carpet cleaners to professionals such as accountants and lawyers. Contact us if you're unsure about your situation.

Q. What is the basic structure of your website?

All our sites are custom-made so we will build your site around the information you supply us. Every organisation is different hence every site is unique in some way.

Q. Can I have photos, logos or any other graphics on my site?

We offer a custom design service and that means we will make the site to suit your needs. So of course you can have any graphic or photo on your site...as long as you own the rights to use them. You can supply all images with your Quick Content Guide document.

Q. How about the quality of work?

If you visit our Works page at spruce-ws.com...you'll see some of the work we have done. The content have been altered in these examples in order to adhere to our non-discloser agreement. However the layout and graphics are cutting-edge and is similar to what you'd get out of any other reputable web design company. The only difference is that they will charge you several thousand dollars for the same work!

Q. Who owns the site once it's developed?

You'll own rights to all content supplied by you. We'll own rights to the design, layout and source code of the website.

If you still have any lingering questions, please do contact me right away so I can book your spot immediately…before it’s all gone!

Warriors, what do you think of this second letter?

Thanks

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stepman77 13 years ago

Why to tell that you could not write even a sales letter?
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The Copy Nazi Banned 13 years ago

This is a snail-mail campaign - yes? To a targeted and qualified list? Try this. Gary Halbert and others have had great success with it.

Yep thats a real buck. Crazy huh? I'm a website designer/graphics guy and I gotta tell you I was tempted to stick a fake $100 bill here. You can get $10,000 worth of prop-money $100 bank notes on eBay for $10. But then I thought - nah - that would cheapen the offer.

So that's a real bill. Go ahead - take it. Its yours. Buy yourself a coffee.

But I gotta tell you - there's an even better offer on this page -

yourwebsite url

Be quick though. The offer you're about to see is only open to the first XX responses.

best,

Fred Nerk
The Money Bin
Duckville
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- 1 reply
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- Vadym 13 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi
  
  So that's a real bill. Go ahead - take it. Its yours. Buy yourself a coffee.
  
  I loved that the first time I read it. When Halbert lived in the days of $1 cups of coffee.
  
  Thanks
  
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celenco 13 years ago

Its pretty good but can be vastly improved
- Thanks
- 1 reply
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- iThinkhard 13 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by celenco
  
  Its pretty good but can be vastly improved
  
  celenco, could you please point to the weak points that you think may be improved?
  
  Many thanks
  
  Thanks
  
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SykkBoy 13 years ago

Is this an email?
One problem you are going to have is making sure it even hits the inbox...too wordy for an introductory email.

Beyond the copywrite issues...make sure the email is hitting their inbox ;-)

"I can't afford to work with lazy business owner that find it difficult to send an email to profit from a great opportunity to get their website done by a professional, risk free!
if they are lazy now, they will be lazier to get their checkbook out to pay me."
Welcome to business ;-) You have to deal with lazy people....but just because they are lazy in some things , that doesn't mean they are too lazy to write checks...they are in business, so they are kind of used to writing checks

I would go with the free consultation thing as well..it's not wasting time, it's prospecting...

I feel badly that you paid for that first sales letter...it's not very good...and it's even worse that it was an email sales letter...

While your version is much better, it's too long...remember, you are sending this in an email....who reads emails that are that long? Especially one that came out of the blue. This isn't an email that came from mom about how her and the family is doing...business people have limited time and that time is valuable and they won't spend it reading an email with excessive wording.
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GlobalMedia 13 years ago

Hi SykkBoy, I totally agree with u. This sales letter seems to contain too many words for an email. It would be better if this sales letter may be abridged and only key features are listed in it.
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- iThinkhard 13 years ago
  
  Hi SykkBoy, GlobalMedia
  
  I've given up emails, I will never send a prospecting email anymore. (I don't know about you guys, but I think that email marketing is screwed by the thousands of emails we receive promising us free money or to enlarge our pe### overnight... there are just a few that open emails from people they don't know and I am not sure how to find them. )
  
  I have bought a calligraphy set and a high quality prestige paper to start my direct mail campaign.
  
  I am going to include in the "how to get started" section of the letter a custom link (spruce-ws.com/prospectBusinessName) to link to a page with a pre-filled form with the prospect name, phone number, email... they will be requested to answer few questions and click the button "book me in" -
  
  I will probably inlcude a backward timer on that page with a warning stating that the page will disappear in a few days and that they will never be able to apply for this offer if they don't click that button.. does anyone ever tried this?
  
  cheers,
  
  Thanks
  
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GlobalMedia 13 years ago

It is certainly a good innovative idea. One of my friends tried a similar technique in the past and got some success as well. U must move ahead with the same. Hoping for ur success.
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SykkBoy 13 years ago

Here is something I did that worked back in the day and I'll give it to you for free )

It requires a little bit of a bankroll though...

I put together my design portfolio along with an interactive business card and video resume and burned them to a cd. I then rented a list of new business from the local chamber of commerce (you can also get lists from the business license office) and I sent out these CDs that just said "Play me...I'm worth it" on the CD. I sent them in a cardboard sleeve that said "Business Essential #1" and put that in an media envelope and sent them out. I did a test send of 100 of them and picked up got 15 calls and picked up 5 clients (that more than covered the cost of the mailing). That was 12-13 years ago, but can still be done.
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msaqib301 13 years ago

hm, Try telling them that a properly designed site is going to put more money in their bank account.
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Gourmet Gifts 13 years ago

I think the second offer is very wordy and a little too urgent - could it be a bit less dramatic with the calls to action? Sometimes prospects baulk at the overly sales type copy of a promo like this.
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penpal6 13 years ago

Looks just okay :/
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Conservationist 13 years ago

I like your letter. The title is too indirect; it should be something about how your website can trap customers and bring in money. Next, the letter is too specialized. You're focusing on how people screw up websites from the perspective of a web designer. From the perspective of a client, it's expense, failures, loss of control and unreliability of the designer. Next, pitch your offer sooner. Finally, cut 1/3 of the length across the board. All in my humble opinion but I like how honest it was. Some of the suggestions here will turn your letter into the standard spam that successful businesses throw out without a second glance.
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