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Can you critique my copy? Thanks

by damjan
7 replies
Hey guys, I'm totally new to copy writing and I'm really interested in learning it.
Right now I'm reading The Copy writing handbook-The Ultimate Guide To Writing by Joe Sugarman. Very interesting book and so it gave me an idea to try to write a short sales letter if you will for my landing page of my website to have people just sign up to my list to access website with bunch of free Concept Art tutorials. My goal is to build a list and in future offer them paid exclusive video tutorials. Right now I'm in a phase of testing. I get a few people a day to sign up but would like to increase. I used to get a lot more traffic when I didn't have this landing page. Let me know what you think and thanks in advance.

This is not a scam!
Become An Ultimate Concept Artist!
By Unlocking The Secret Vault Of Amazing Tutorials And Set Yourself Apart From Your Competition Instantly. Here Is What You Need To Do..

Just sign up below, that's it! In return, you will get an instant access to Killer Concept Art Tutorials created by industry professionals absolutely FREE. Wait, there is more! Act now and receive unique PhotoShop brushes, perfect patterns and a tutorial on how to get started. This gift is valued at $100 and I'm giving it to you for free so you can start kicking ass immediately. P.S. You really got nothing to worry about. This web site is not a scam and I will not sell you anything nor will I overflow your inbox like spammers do!
Sincerely, your friend:
Damjan Visnjic
Web Site President

I've added the p.s. part and stuff below it as a test to see if that would increase sign up.
#copy #critique
  • Profile picture of the author Paul Hooper-Kelly
    Hi damjan,

    The last thing you need is your opening line ... 'This is not a scam!', because that's precisely what your reader will immediately think.

    Never, make a sales letter statement, without instantly backing it up with proof. That way, your prospect will decide for themselves if your offer is a scam.

    Also you need to enlarge on the basic offer of 'Become An Ultimate Concept Artist!' and say what that will mean for your prospect.

    For example ...

    Become An Ultimate Concept Artist And
    Enjoy Riches Beyond Your Wildest Dreams

    There's plenty more which I'm sure others will comment on, but that's a start.

    Warmest regards,

    Paul
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    If you want to stack the copywriting deck in your favor with tricks and hacks producing winners like: "$20K in three days" "650 sold" "30% conversion", then you might like to know I'm retiring and will spill the beans to two people. More info here.
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  • Profile picture of the author damjan
    Paul, Thank you. I only put that after a few days later as a test. I will immediately take it off. Does anything else needs to be changed or is good enough? Do you think I might have pottential in this art? Thanks.
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  • Profile picture of the author SykkBoy
    I agree with Paul, never use the word scam on a site, even in the way you did and especially as your leading text...
    Don't get defensive right off the bat...you will set off a redflag with a potential buyer that doesn't need to be raised.
    Be confident in your product. By using that phrase, the visitor will just see the word scam.

    There are very very very very few exceptions to using terms like "scam" and "rip off" in your text and you have to be extremely talented to pull that off...

    It's like telling someone "don't imagine a white polar bear eating a big salmon beside a lake" well, they just did what you told them not to do...


    "By Unlocking The Secret Vault Of Amazing Tutorials And Set Yourself Apart From Your Competition Instantly. Here Is What You Need To Do.."

    That's too wordy...I would condense it down to;

    "Unlock This Amazing TOP Secret Vault Of Tutorials. Get the edge on your competition! What's the key?"

    ("key" is a play on the word vault) It can also become your theme. A safe slightly cracked open, with just a little light peeking out, with a key in the lock on the vault (I know that most vaults have combination locks rather than keys, but paint the picture ;-))

    The rest if the text, I'd break it up a bit and maybe I'm missing something, but it took me a second to figure out what you were offering....if I just hit your landing page, I might be confused.

    I would add a couple bullet points and be a little more specific with what they will get when they opt in to your offer.

    I'll think of some more and add it later, but I'm sure others will come along and add their two cents as well

    One of the mistakes all of us copywriters tend to make (me included) is we're so close to the product, we often forget to keep in mind that the visitor to our page might not quite know what we're selling. I always have a small group of friends read my copy and give me honest feedback on how effective it is and if I made my points clear enough.
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    • Profile picture of the author damjan
      SykkBoy, thank you very much. So you are saying that I should tell people what kind of tutorials they should expect to see if they sign up to my news letter? I' actually giving them a free access to my website where I post different free tutorials that I collect from around the web. They are in written form as well as videos. By people siging up, I'm also sending them in email a link where they can download free Photoshop brushes, patterns that I've created. I didn't think that breaking up the text was necessary since it's not too long. One more question, is there a webiste where someone teaches an affective sales letter design or you guys follow same guide lines that others have used and some what copy them? Once again, thanks a lot. You guys are awesome.

      P.S. I do let a few of my friends read it and they say its interesting and that they would sign up if Concept Art is their thing. However, I know that they don't know anything about copy writing so I want professional advice because there is always room to improve and I can learn better this way than just reading.
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  • Profile picture of the author damjan
    I did some research and top Concept Artists can earn up to $150,000 per year. I think that could be very interestin to add into main headline. Should I say:

    Become An Ultimate Concept Artist And Start Earning Up to $150,000 Per Year or Become An Ultimate Concept Artist And Earn Up to $150,000 Per Year ?

    I was thinking first since I can't guarantee that they would get that much and people who start out earn a lot less.
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  • Profile picture of the author JamesZakaria
    Whats a concept artist? Will everyone who visits know what you are talking about?

    Are they (your audience) motivated by money or do they have another driving factor such as wanting more time at home, having no boss, wanting to follow their passion? Find out what your markets greatest problem and your title should hint at the solution.

    How about "How To Become A Freelance Concept Artist In 5 Easy Steps" ? or (however many steps there are)

    Good luck with your efforts.
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  • Profile picture of the author damjan
    Thanks James, Concept Artist works in industry such as movies and video games and they create everything in the beginning stages and then you see final products when you watch or play games. So you create environments, characters, and everything else as needed. Right now, I just want people to sign up for the mailing list so that in the future I can offer exclusive video tutorials for download that they would pay for. In meantime, I'm just giving them free tutorials that I find around the net.
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