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Newbie Copyright Critique

by Begbie
8 replies
Greetings,
I was wondering if you can give me an honest critique on my sales page. This is my first time doing this and I need all the advise I can get.

Regards,
Jon





-Non Nonsense Self Defense Tips
#copyright #critique #newbie
  • Profile picture of the author Kevin Williams
    Your link doesn't work, try this one:
    <CENTER>

    First of all your title is messed up, get rid of the <center> tags.
    "Don't become a victim!!!!" - four exclamation marks, really?

    Can't go through the whole thing right now, but somebody else might. There's a lot to be fixed - spelling and grammar errors everywhere.
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Strong
      I'm afraid it needs a lot of work. There are typos, weird sentence structure, extra spaces, too much punctuation... You'd really need to have a pro writer redo this for you.

      Speaking of that, you could up the value (and the price) quite a bit by adding some videos showing the techniques in action.

      Back to the copy: the bullets are heading in the right direction. It's kind of a fine line -- you want to scare people enough to get them to buy, but if you lay it on too thick ("Tweakers, Crackheads and Sociopaths are ever-present") it's going to seem over the top and people won't take you as seriously.

      I think the table should be narrower, also -- it's kind of hard to read as is it is now.

      My .02.
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  • Profile picture of the author AdwordsMogul
    I must say I agree with Ken.

    You either really learn how to write copy or get a pro to do it for you.

    The comments here will be helpful, but the reality is you will still come back to the same point.
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    • Profile picture of the author AnneE
      While I agree with the comments above -- including adding video. You could provide an upsell to a Members Only Video area. I will go ahead and pick a couple items that I'd change.

      You have:
      Learn how to minimize your chance of dislocating the bones and joints of your hands and fingers by being shown how to properly clench a fist. (This tip alone can save you thousands of dollars in medical bills)
      I suggest: Learn to protect your hands and fingers by properly clenching your fist. (This tip alone can save you thousands of dollars in medical bills)


      Other folks might disagree, but as a woman, if I'm hearing about dislocating my finger, even if you are talking about how you will teach me NOT to dislocate my finger -- all I hear is "dislocate" -- I cringe and close the window.

      Okay, one more: You can both of these books for only $29

      Should be: You can buy both of these books for only $29

      or

      You can have both of these books for only $29
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  • Profile picture of the author Dean Jackson
    It needs a lot of work - it's not "bad ass" which is what you need if you want to sell to the self defense market. You also need some basic formatting in there.

    - Dean
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  • Profile picture of the author brianadrian
    If that was your first attempt at writing copy I will give you an A for effort.

    I write almost everything in Verdana because it is so easy to read. Your main body is also written too small. It looks like everything is being squeezed together.

    Your bullets need to stand out AND don't be afraid to put some spaces in there! As it is now it hurts my eyes to look at it.

    If this is a salespage where is the proof? The statistics? Who has this worked for? Who is the person teaching? Am I supposed to know that name?

    I'm not even going to comment on the run-on sentences, improper punctuation (I do that all the time ;-) and switched around words.

    Like I wrote: If this is your first attempt, I give you an A for effort, but you got a long way to go, so don't quit the day job.
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