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Please Give Your Thoughts On Sales Letter

by RahulNag
15 replies
Hello Everyone,

Please could you review my sales letter for helping people deal with drinking problems:

How Can I Stop Drinking : How to Give Up Alcohol : Effects on the Body : Quitting Drinking : Alcohol Addiction : How to Stopping Drinking : AlcoholFreeSociallife.com

I have made many changes to the design and content based on some feedback some Warriors gave me last year.

Would be interested to get more opinions on what changes I could make to increase conversions. I would like to run some tests.

Thanks in advance for your help.

Rahul
#give #letter #sales #thoughts
  • Profile picture of the author CrescentReviews
    It looks nice, certainly grabs the attention. But you have a lot of Download Now buttons. I can't explain it but that would be a bit of a turn off for me if I was interested in downloading your E-book, it feels a little desperate I guess (probably not the truth but it's what it feels like). Also an all-white background feels a little dull, it wouldn't hurt to add something to the background (nothing too flashy but just enough).

    Other then that I think you did a great job writing this and a good job with the design.
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  • Profile picture of the author Bruce NewMedia
    hmmm... that might be the narrowest formatted sales page I've ever seen..

    I'm just commenting on one thing: I'd put a delay on that floating subscribe box, and give the visitor time to take in some of the page, first.
    _____
    Bruce
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    • Profile picture of the author theplugindude
      Originally Posted by brucerby View Post

      hmmm... that might be the narrowest formatted sales page I've ever seen..

      I'm just commenting on one thing: I'd put a delay on that floating subscribe box, and give the visitor time to take in some of the page, first.
      _____
      Bruce

      I second that!
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    • Profile picture of the author CopyAcolyte
      Originally Posted by brucerby View Post

      hmmm... that might be the narrowest formatted sales page I've ever seen..

      I'm just commenting on one thing: I'd put a delay on that floating subscribe box, and give the visitor time to take in some of the page, first.
      _____
      Bruce
      I kind of like reading narrow columns of text. It allows me to not get too distracted with the long text that precedes and follows the particular word I'm on.

      This means, though, that you have to scroll more. Hmm? What to do..
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  • Profile picture of the author MusicHottie
    My gut-level review: headline and the first three points need to be much more emotionally gripping. Consider that an addict needs super-compelling reasons to change because it's so tough to kick the addiction.

    Make the headline and the three points grab them by the head, pull them face up out of the gutter and ready to sell their mother to get your book.

    The letter as a whole needs to be much more gripping. STOP sensoring yourself! When I read it, I get the impression that rather than "speak straight," you are internally holding yourself back. Go for it! Addiction is messy and you've got to match your writing to how the target market feels right now. They still have their addiction! Write to their desperation and don't hold back. Write like your mission is to rid the whole world of the scourge of alcoholism...because it is!

    I hope this helps. I'd love to see you sell a ton of these and really help a large group of people. The world could use it.
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  • Profile picture of the author RSingha
    With NoScript enabled, it squashes your headline
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  • Profile picture of the author RahulNag
    Thanks everyone for your thoughts so far.

    @Brucerby: I have increased the delay from 5 seconds to 15 seconds for the opt-in box to give people time to orient themselves

    @CrescentReviews: I have put in the Download Now buttons on the back of many suggestions of people telling me it was hard to know where to order. Perhaps I put in too many!

    @MusicHottie: your words mean a lot to me because this is exactly how I feel. I am thinking small and trying to be 'correct' instead of just going for it and being emotional. I need to rethink the whole letter and approach to get more of this.

    Everyone else - I would very much like to get your views as well as to how I can improve conversions:
    How Can I Stop Drinking : How to Give Up Alcohol : Effects on the Body : Quitting Drinking : Alcohol Addiction : How to Stopping Drinking : AlcoholFreeSociallife.com
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    It's not bad. As mentioned, I'd widen the template. You also need to proof it better as it has some spelling issues. I thought it was pretty good until I saw the price. That was enough to make me want to go back to drinking.

    Not really but I think it's way too high. You've done a decent job with the letter but not good enough to justify a $127 price. Maybe setting up a payment plan would help. Good luck.
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    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      RahulNag,

      Ok, you're not going to like me for saying this. But it's ok, because it's true.

      Your copy lacks the emotional impact required to convince. To sell. Especially "above the fold." It NEEDS to land.

      If you doubt, show your copy to this person:


      I'm not kidding. I'm not making fun of anything. I'm not criticizing either.

      Help THAT man, and you're home free with your offer.

      Until then... all the logic and "reasons why" in the world aren't going to make a difference.

      - Rick Duris
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  • Profile picture of the author scott_krech
    Right message. WRONG market. Alcoholics as a general rule don't want help. They want to figure a way to live their lives and KEEP drinking, NOT stop drinking.

    UNLESS someone is already at the point they REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY want to stop and are 100% TOTALLY COMMITTED to the process, they WON'T be buying your course.

    If that's the case try something like this:

    [Inspired by Rick Duris]

    Pre-Head: You're a drunk-slob, a lush with a life-threatening ADDICTION...Yes YOU!

    Head: YOU'RE A SOUL-LESS, SELFISH, PIG-HEADED, JACK-ASS, THAT NEEDS HELP NOW, OR YOU DIE!

    Sub-Head: Look At How Countless Others Have Ripped Their Lives From The Death-Grip Of The Grim-Reaper Himself...

    All In Only 20 Easy Minutes A Day!

    PUT TESTIMONIALS HERE
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    Scott M Krech, President
    Profitable Marketing Solutions LLC

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    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      Hi RahulNag,

      Maybe yesterday I was being a bit challenging for you. I may have set the bar too high.

      This morning I thought about your situation and promotion a bit.

      And here's a second strategy to evaluate:

      For an alcoholic, the absolute hardest period is the first three days. The initial withdrawl. Sure later, they'll backslide given the right conditions, but those first 72 hours are the hardest.

      Even if the person is a functioning alcoholic (and not a DH), going "cold turkey" is pretty bad. The trembling, the sweating, the terror, the pangs, the twitching? It's bad. And just forget about an easing off, or a tapering down strategy. It doesn't work.

      So here's my idea and you can accept or reject.

      I don't know if it's a fit for your product, but if you focused on just the first three days. Like step-by-step-by-step. Remember, when they're going through this, they aren't thinking straight, so YOU as a resource would be a lifeline.

      Also, every other sentence in that 3-day piece, you should be motivating and encouraging. This isn't about information. This is about inspiration. Think stories.

      You never know what word or sentence or story would inspire a person to go the distance in those first 72 hours. But the outcome you want is them saying to themselves: "If THEY could do it, I could do it, damn it!"

      This just another way to look at it.

      But you've have to get real clear in the promotion that this a 3-day plan. Maybe as a bonus, you could offer something in addition.

      - Rick Duris
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  • Profile picture of the author Mike Mendell
    Your page is actually not bad.

    A few things I would change:

    1. Shorten your first 3 bullets. You want something short and that grabs attention.
    2. Add a <br> after those bullets just before "All this in the privacy of your own home..." subheadline. It looks too close to the bullets.
    3. Change "Dear Problem Drinker" - it just sounds off, even insulting.
    4. Just curious but why are all the links at the bottom images? I don't know why but this just bothers me. Use some nice CSS styles and make them text.
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  • Profile picture of the author RahulNag
    Thanks for your comments.

    1. The product and website is designed for problem drinkers not alcoholics which is why I put Dear Problem Drinker. Maybe can try Dear Friend.

    2. Have tested at $47, $67, $77, $97 and $127. Not a huge difference in numbers ordered at lower prices and also funnily enough fewer returns at higher prices.

    So I will stick with $127 but yes may need to justify it more. I may have a 'Here's Everything You Are Going To Get' section including the images and a summary of all elements of the course.

    3. Will look at shortening the bullet points and maybe even changing the hook or headlines.


    Potential alternative sub-bullets are:
    - Feel proud of yourself when you wake up without a hangover
    - Experience better health, more energy and lose weight
    - Enjoy better relationships with friends and family

    4. New Headlines. Some ideas I had were:

    "How My Throwing Up One Night On A Crowded Bus Lead to me giving up alcohol...and how you can learn to stop your problem drinking too"


    "They laughed when I said I was going to give up alcohol...but when I ordered a soft drink..."

    "Stop Letting Alcohol Waste The Life You Have Left"

    "Read This Page Now...Or Be Stuck With Your Alcohol Problems Forever"

    Any other suggestions for potential headlines?

    Thanks once again for your time and help,

    Rahul
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  • Profile picture of the author kindsvater
    At the bottom of the page there about 25 links to other pages. Additional articles or something.

    What is it you want someone to do?

    Buy your book?

    Or check out all those links?

    They're a distraction. My suggestion is to delete them.

    This is a sales letter. Not just another article with links to other articles trying to get you to the sales letter.
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  • Profile picture of the author Scott Murdaugh
    I would totally reposition this.

    Who's your biggest target market here? People who desperately want to quit drinking (as already mentioned, you can't "convince" an alcoholic to go clean unless they want to).

    What do people who want to quit do? They go to AA.

    And what do most people who go to AA do? They fail.

    “After just one month in the Fellowship, 81% of the new members have already dropped out. After three months, 90% have left, and 95% have discontinued attendance inside one year.” (Kolenda, 2003, Golden Text Publishing Company).
    5% make it over a year.

    I'd venture to guess that the number of people who quit for life is even lower.

    So you have a HUGE market here.

    People who are desperate to quit drinking, but failed the worlds most recommended way of recovery.

    What do people who've been to AA hate about it?

    The self-loathing.

    The sad people telling sad stories.

    The insistence that you must find religion (or a "higher power") before you stand a chance.

    Tell them why 95%+ of those who try AA fail. Tell them they're not alone. Tell them why AA doesn't work for most people, and why your system will work for them.

    I don't know your product but my gut is saying that's the angle you need to try.

    Good luck,

    -Scott
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