Sales copy thoughts please?

I agree with Dean that you did a great job considering this is your first stab at it.

3 things caught my attention, but nothing major (well one major issue)

1. Your headline could be a little stronger and more specific.

Right now it says: "Here's A Quick Way To Become Successful And Make Incredible Profits Month After Month!"

Successful at what? State exactly what they will be successful at. In your example it's horse betting.

Exactly how quick is quick? Is it in as little as 24 hours? My first 5 bets? etc.

And with regard to profits, what is considered incredible? What's the average margin or ROI that you and/or your customers are seeing following your system?

By replacing "Quick" with a specific time and "Incredible Profits" with a realistic number you and your customers see, your headline will be much stronger without being unbelievable.

2. Your Add To Cart button could do you better if you had it in a Johnson Box restating the offer in agreement terms so when you're prospect reads it, it is as if they are saying it.

Yes Michael! I want to start seeing XX% Profits in XX time like you and your students following your horse betting system.

* I understand that by doing what the small % of the most successful betters do, I will have the same success as them
* I also understand that by investing in your system, that all of the risk is on you because I have 30 days to try out your system risk free and if for any reason I don't think its for me, i can get my money back simply by contacting you.
* Bla bla bla

3. This is the MAJOR ONE that needs changing ASAP before you start driving traffic and probably the easiest one to fix out of them all...

When I click on your add to cart button, the exit splash box shows up and this is a big NO NO. That should only show when trying to leave the site. So you need to change your settings on that or it's gonna KILL your conversions.

And as always - TEST EVERYTHING. Don't take these suggestions as gospel, but only as suggestions.

But I would try them if I were you Especially #3 ASAP

- Jason

Hi Michael,

I believe we can do better with the headline and sub-headline.

I'm doing this by using a very successful ad structure.

The ad was "When Doctors Fell Rotten, This Is What They Do"

For your ad, we replace "doctors" with the top bettors because that is what they aspire to be.

In the sub-headline below, we use social proof with a short testomonial.

Here's how it looks...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When Bettors Want To Be In The Elite 2% Of Winners, This Is What They Do

“The results have been frankly beyond expectations…"
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That's the ad headline I would use to test.

It is the same structure I'm using to beat one that has stood up against strong testing for the last 5 years.

Best,
Ewen

P.S.
If those elements that Jason has stated are not in your ad, then they should be.

Thanks for the advice guys, it is great. I am implementing some of the changes right now and shall get back to you on how they developed.

Hi guys, I have implemented some of the suggestions but done a complete re-write of the copy on a new site. Error Page | Hudsons Best Bets looking forward to hearing your thoughts and criticism.

Your headline and subhead are still very weak...very vague.

Your first paragraph has no pulling power. You will lose many readers there.

Re-write your headline, and subhead and first paragraph if you want this to work.

The storytelling approach for your copy is an excellent idea.

Study some of the first paragraphs in Halbert's ads and sales letters in which he is using the storytelling approach...that's a great way to go.

Best,

Thomas O'Malley