25 {{ upvoteCount | shortNum }}
25 {{ upvoteCount | shortNum }}

I'm asking for a critique...

by Souldja
22 replies
Hi wise copywriters!

I've posted my website link earlier and one person said that I should check it http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...-critique.html before asking for a critique.

I've read this post and was thinking about how to change my text on squeeze page... And now I think it much better and I ready to drive a paid traffic to it.

But firstly I really have to know your opinion dear Warriors.

My squeeze page link is below.
#critique
  • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
    Frankly, at the opt-in stage of the relationship between you and your prospects, they could care less who you are. They just want to know what your free information can do for them.

    I'd replace your narrative with several high-impact bullets.

    And lose that threat to include the material in your paid course. Your prospects know it's crap.

    Also, your opt-in page is confusing. Is this free report for men and women, or just women? If just women, that should be very clear from the beginning. In fact, it should be reflected in the name of the report.

    Alex
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4142192].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    You're still not even close to talking to your audience.

    You need to identity the type of awareness' you accumulated over the "last several years" and demonstrate some sense of insight/authority.

    GAIN THEIR TRUST WITH REAL, VALUABLE INFORMATION!!!

    And yeah, who is the copy written to? The woman? Both? Not clear.

    Save who you are until they opt-in. When they do, you'll need to definitely let them know your background and credentials. I mean, if my wife came to me and asked me to follow some 7-step formula written by a nobody, it would only inflame any discord in our relationship even more.

    Also, it lacks a feeling of sincerity.
    Signature

    Do you want a 9 figure copywriter and biz owner to Write With You? I'll work with you, on zoom, to help write your copy or client copy... while you learn from one of the few copywriters to legit hit 9 figures in gross sales! Discover More

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4142368].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Stephen Dean
    Cheers, this is one of my most successful markets.

    You should definitely take Alex's advice about scratching your personal introduction from the copy.

    Instead you should be agitating the problem and building urgency. Your visitor's problem is very urgent. A passionless relationship is a relationship that can end at any moment.

    By not pointing this out immediately and instead taking time to introduce yourself and other things... you're implying the opposite of urgency. You're implying that there is time to meander about.

    But if you get to the point immediately and stress how important it is that they act IMMEDIATELY to solve the problem, then you build urgency and momentum that will carry them to OPT-IN... IMMEDIATELY.

    Tempo is a big deal in copy. You should pay attention and take advantage of it.

    Cheers,
    Stephen Dean
    Signature
    Free Coaching WSO: How to finish all your 2013 "Goals" in JANUARY with my proven productivity secrets - taken from 9 years working as a freelance copywriter. Click Here

    Occupation: Best Copywriter Ever.
    Clients:     Matt Bacak, Jim Edwards, Ryan Deiss and more.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4142383].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
      Originally Posted by Stephen Dean View Post

      Instead you should be agitating the problem and building urgency. Your visitor's problem is very urgent. A passionless relationship is a relationship that can end at any moment.

      By not pointing this out immediately and instead taking time to introduce yourself and other things... you're implying the opposite of urgency. You're implying that there is time to meander about.
      I recently made a mint with a sales letter that was headlined by saying:

      "98% of dieters fail! They regain the weight they lost, and statistics show that up to 2/3 of dieters gain more back than when they started... Get off the dieting roller coaster NOW!."

      This sold over 10,000 ebooks in less than a week.

      When you start out by implying the direction your target audience is presently going will lead to guaranteed failure, you will convert way more clicks thrus.
      Signature

      Do you want a 9 figure copywriter and biz owner to Write With You? I'll work with you, on zoom, to help write your copy or client copy... while you learn from one of the few copywriters to legit hit 9 figures in gross sales! Discover More

      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4142457].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author Souldja
        You said I should save my introduction, but Stephen has another opinion.. What should I do? Should I remove it or not?

        I understand that I must build trust with visitors, but how can I do it the right way if I'm not really expert in relationship? It's very important for me to know.
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4142730].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
          Well, I just opted-in and read your 5 page PDF... What exactly is the point of putting this out there? Are you just collecting emails? (I mean, I know that's the purpose of squeeze pages, but I didn't see anything to buy... just more free stuff.)

          Anyways, I would completely rewrite the squeeze page.

          1) Create urgency (like Stephen said)
          2) Establish credibility (by telling your audience you understand what they're experiencing.)
          3) Tell them how they benefit as bluntly as possible.
          Signature

          Do you want a 9 figure copywriter and biz owner to Write With You? I'll work with you, on zoom, to help write your copy or client copy... while you learn from one of the few copywriters to legit hit 9 figures in gross sales! Discover More

          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4143582].message }}
          • Profile picture of the author Souldja
            Originally Posted by Reflection Marketing View Post

            Well, I just opted-in and read your 5 page PDF... What exactly is the point of putting this out there? Are you just collecting emails? (I mean, I know that's the purpose of squeeze pages, but I didn't see anything to buy... just more free stuff.)

            Anyways, I would completely rewrite the squeeze page.

            1) Create urgency (like Stephen said)
            2) Establish credibility (by telling your audience you understand what they're experiencing.)
            3) Tell them how they benefit as bluntly as possible.
            I want to send several emails without commercial proposal at the beginning. Then in 3-d email I'm planning to send them an affiliate link. How do you think is it good strategy?
            {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4145515].message }}
            • Profile picture of the author Souldja
              I rewrote text. Also I added bullet points...
              {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4146723].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author KateHunter
    YOu just said, I decided to solve this problem, when you should have said, I found a way to solve this problem for good and I can show you how to too, etc. You didn't mention how great your relationship is now you solved your problem. I agree with above, make your story wonderful or leave it out.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4146853].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Souldja
      Originally Posted by KateHunter View Post

      YOu just said, I decided to solve this problem, when you should have said, I found a way to solve this problem for good and I can show you how to too, etc. You didn't mention how great your relationship is now you solved your problem. I agree with above, make your story wonderful or leave it out.
      Thank you. Are this better? I'm not native speaker and that's why it's very difficult to me.


      If you want to save your relationship,
      you’ve come to the right place.

      But firstly let me introduce myself...

      My name is Simon Ricci.

      Several years ago I had a girlfriend.
      We thought that our relationship is ideal
      but the time is gone and passion is disappeared.


      Then I decided once and for all
      sort out this problem and don’t let this repeat in the future.

      After many researches, reading tons of materials I realized which principles should people follow to revive passion.

      Now my problem is solved and I'll never back
      to it. NEVER! Our relationship is great! And we're really happy together! But there are so many couples who faced with same problem.

      I know if you are here right now you are probably

      in a great deal of heart ache and pain.

      You feel like your man is slipping away.

      I understand. And I have been there too…and feel…

      Because I know that you know it all too well…

      And I want to help you. I know the answers. And also I'm sure you
      can save your relationship even if passion already disapeared.
      You can revive it now.

      And that's why I wrote this guide special for you.

      Just enter your email in the form and get your 7-steps guide.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4146937].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author Neil AM
        It'd certainly be worth getting someone who is a native speaker to go through it and tidy up the language - first impressions count for an awful lot and the more professional you can make it sound, the better. You'd be amazed how much an awkward sentence (or even just a couple of spelling mistakes) can kill a conversion rate.

        I've found you often get better responses with headlines that play on fear - so in this case, '7 Ways To Stop Your Man Leaving You'.

        And like everyone else has said, drop the story and just go straight to the bullets.
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4147077].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    Every bit of the copy still needs to be rewritten.

    Honestly, the 5 page "guide" needs to be rewritten as well. After all, if the point of women (or couples) reading your guide is to instill credibility and value, then it fails.

    You need to hire a professional... if you want to make money.
    Signature

    Do you want a 9 figure copywriter and biz owner to Write With You? I'll work with you, on zoom, to help write your copy or client copy... while you learn from one of the few copywriters to legit hit 9 figures in gross sales! Discover More

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4147207].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Souldja
      Originally Posted by Reflection Marketing View Post

      Every bit of the copy still needs to be rewritten.

      Honestly, the 5 page "guide" needs to be rewritten as well. After all, if the point of women (or couples) reading your guide is to instill credibility and value, then it fails.

      You need to hire a professional... if you want to make money.
      How do you think can I find someone on Fiverr? Unfortunately I have no much money to hire a professional.

      And why is my report bad? I thought it the best part of my work...
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4147295].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author Summertime Dress
        Souldja,
        There's a lot of psychology involved when selling to a woman in the relationship market. Many demographic factors too -- such as her age, whether she's been divorced, has kids, how much money she has, etc. Native English is a must but even then, you must get inside her mind. What is her pain? What does she desire? What is she afraid of? Personally, I believe women receive differently from women than they do a man. So that's a factor also. Unfortunately, you're putting the cart before the horse. Fiverr is not your answer.
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4147665].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author Souldja
          Originally Posted by Summertime Dress View Post

          Souldja,
          There's a lot of psychology involved when selling to a woman in the relationship market. Many demographic factors too -- such as her age, whether she's been divorced, has kids, how much money she has, etc. Native English is a must but even then, you must get inside her mind. What is her pain? What does she desire? What is she afraid of? Personally, I believe women receive differently from women than they do a man. So that's a factor also. Unfortunately, you're putting the cart before the horse. Fiverr is not your answer.
          Thank you. But what means your pre-last phrase?
          What can I do to get inside their mind? Maybe you can advice me some words or phrases before I will sent my copy to proofread...
          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4147733].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Summertime Dress
    I think you first need to know your product. It sounds like you are doing affiliate marketing? Have you bought/read the product you're promoting? You can get a clue inside the product and use a lot of the same language. You can also check demographics for that product to find who is buying (alexa and quantcast are two). If you are a woman, think about your own experiences and speak to her with empathy and friendship. If you are a man, then you must give her what she wants to hear from a man.

    I just heard an awesome seminar where the speaker (once a singles bar owner) did what was considered counter-intuitive to the industry by hiring good-looking male bartenders instead of pretty female bar maids. Had he hired the pretty bar maids, women who patronized the bar would immediately leave upon seeing ogling butt-cracked men. By hiring men, women came in by the droves, bringing in more business.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4149977].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Souldja
      Originally Posted by Summertime Dress View Post

      I think you first need to know your product. It sounds like you are doing affiliate marketing? Have you bought/read the product you're promoting? You can get a clue inside the product and use a lot of the same language. You can also check demographics for that product to find who is buying (alexa and quantcast are two). If you are a woman, think about your own experiences and speak to her with empathy and friendship. If you are a man, then you must give her what she wants to hear from a man.

      I just heard an awesome seminar where the speaker (once a singles bar owner) did what was considered counter-intuitive to the industry by hiring good-looking male bartenders instead of pretty female bar maids. Had he hired the pretty bar maids, women who patronized the bar would immediately leave upon seeing ogling butt-cracked men. By hiring men, women came in by the droves, bringing in more business.
      Thank you. Yes, I'm going to promote products using affliate programms and I I know about Alexa stats, it's very useful tool for audience researches!
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4153345].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Viramara
    Hi, I've been on several relationship mailing lists (being a subscriber) for years, I can tell you which squeeze page is awful and well-done. I'd rate your squeeze page 4 out of 5 stars. But I think you gotta be very specific, what's the "problem" you face on relationship?

    Then I decided to sort out this problem once and for all,
    and never to repeat this in future.

    "I did a lot of research and read tons of material,
    and eventually learned which principles people
    should follow to protect the passion in a relationship.

    Now the problem's solved and I'll never have it again. NEVER!
    Our relationship's great again now, and we're completely happy together    "

    Imo they're not so specific.

    But for the rest, I think your squeeze page really speaks to me. But your target is woman, try to make it more "drama" if you can.
    If you want to make it straight to the point, this one is nice example
    havetherelationshipyouwant. com

    I copy paste this from retrievealover.com. It's a good example if you want to use more "drama" :
    Years ago, the love of my life was involved in an extramarital affair, and he wanted a separation. So I had been ‘there’, gone through ‘it’, and lived through what I would call "a living hell".

    I was full of anguish and disbelief when it happened. I couldn't believe my eyes and my ears. I must admit; I had been a good girlfriend to him for years; giving him the greatest care and love I could give. In fact, I almost gave him my everything!
    When my relationship failed, I wanted to bring back my lover, as I felt deep in my heart that we should be together. But I did not know what went wrong and why things happened the way they did!

    The heartache and pain I went through could literally tear me apart!
    Well-meaning friends, family members and close associates of mine tried to counsel me, did everything they could to help me, even trrid to talk me out of having him back by my side.

    I searched every books and treatises I could get a hold of, all of them were written by ‘experts’ and ‘professionals’ who claimed that they had the solutions to my problems and could help me get rid of my pain and heartache permanently.



    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4166477].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Souldja
      Originally Posted by Viramara View Post

      Hi, I've been on several relationship mailing lists (being a subscriber) for years, I can tell you which squeeze page is awful and well-done. I'd rate your squeeze page 4 out of 5 stars. But I think you gotta be very specific, what's the "problem" you face on relationship?

      Then I decided to sort out this problem once and for all,
      and never to repeat this in future.

      "I did a lot of research and read tons of material,
      and eventually learned which principles people
      should follow to protect the passion in a relationship.

      Now the problem's solved and I'll never have it again. NEVER!
      Our relationship's great again now, and we're completely happy together      "

      Imo they're not so specific.

      But for the rest, I think your squeeze page really speaks to me. But your target is woman, try to make it more "drama" if you can.
      If you want to make it straight to the point, this one is nice example
      havetherelationshipyouwant. com

      I copy paste this from retrievealover.com. It's a good example if you want to use more "drama" :
      Years ago, the love of my life was involved in an extramarital affair, and he wanted a separation. So I had been 'there', gone through 'it', and lived through what I would call "a living hell".

      I was full of anguish and disbelief when it happened. I couldn't believe my eyes and my ears. I must admit; I had been a good girlfriend to him for years; giving him the greatest care and love I could give. In fact, I almost gave him my everything!
      When my relationship failed, I wanted to bring back my lover, as I felt deep in my heart that we should be together. But I did not know what went wrong and why things happened the way they did!

      The heartache and pain I went through could literally tear me apart!
      Well-meaning friends, family members and close associates of mine tried to counsel me, did everything they could to help me, even trrid to talk me out of having him back by my side.

      I searched every books and treatises I could get a hold of, all of them were written by 'experts' and 'professionals' who claimed that they had the solutions to my problems and could help me get rid of my pain and heartache permanently.
      THANK YOU!

      I'm not native speaker, my English level is average, but I'm working on my language knowledges..
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4167005].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Dannyboy12

    -Learn how to build trust with your mate

    Have a huge impact on a relationship
    -
    Know the idea that really touches the men’s heart
    -
    Realize how to show him
    I dunno about these bullet points that you have added.

    "Have a huge impact on a relationship" way to vague and not particularly what a woman wants to achieve from reading your ebook.

    "Know the idea that really touches the men’s heart" - This is a poorly constructed sentence. Try something like; "Learn what a man really wants"

    I'm not sure that you're grasping what your audience really wants. It seems to me like you've just looked at a bunch of these pages and attempted to copy them. You need to do more research to really understand what these women want, and then be specific about what you are giving them.

    Sorry to be harsh! just my two cents
    Signature
    Content that converts
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4167239].message }}

Trending Topics