Howdy Warriors Does this Funnel Suck?

by zulu24

Posted: 13 years ago 13 replies

COPY WRITING

Howdy fellow Warriors. About to run media to these pages, and wondering if Y'all could weigh in with your opinions before I dump a bunch of money on media.

The first page is to get prospects into my funnel with (what I hope) is an irresistible offer. The second link is an upsell/downsell with hopefully another irresistible offer.

Finally, what isn't seen here is another upsell to 6 months of a membership site for like $9.97.

I'd really appreciate you're opinions. I'm not much of a copywriter so y'all's wisdom could really help me out.

Here's the links (payment function isn't live yet). Thanks so much.

Page 1 - http://selfemploymentfreedom.com/gen...ut-a-computer/

Page 2 - http://internetbusinesstraining.net/offline-goldmine-2/

Thanks again folks, rip it up.

#funnel #howdy #warriors

Drez 13 years ago

Sorry to be blunt ...

In the copy you've got a "blind" offer that's really NOT irresistible. The bullets are weak and don't create a lot of desire. (vague and without deep benefits or oomph)

You' usee the video as a proof element. I would make a more powerful video and lead with that.

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zulu24 13 years ago

Thanks for the input. Changed some stuff around.

If I were someone browsing a classified ad and saw a way to make thousands each week for only $7.99 and the product had a 60 day no questions asked guarantee, I think I would probably risk it.

Is that not a good offer?

What do you mean by make the video more powerful? $500,$600, $1000 a day proof isn't enough?

Thanks again
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- Drez 13 years ago
  
  It's not ONLY about how much money you claim someone can make. There are plenty of those "bold" and over-the-top style sales pages around.
  
  The point is what does your prospect REALLY want?
  
  Hit on THOSE points.
  
  And your bullets must deliver real benefits (along with deeper benefits, that is, benefits of the benefits).
  
  Otherwise no matter how much you claim someone will make ... it may not be enough to get them to opt-in to your list ... or buy your product.
  
  Of course, this is just my opinion. Your testing will be the ultimate determination of what works ... or doesn't.
  
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Rach72 13 years ago

Grammar and Bullet Points!

example on page 1 - "How you make money without risking anything" huh?
example on page 2 in the headline you have used the wrong 'your'

and you are giving away 1 million email names/addresses? .... it all screams scam and spammer
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zulu24 13 years ago

Okay, as far as media to market message, these people are lower income folks coming in from classified ads that say stuff like "Start your own business for less than the cost of breakfast. Find out at www.blahblah.com." And a few variations on that copy.

The market is basically newbies looking for an easy way to cash in. Probably males 18-35 and to a lesser extent females 20-60.

These ads are placed where bargain hunters hang out and they are looking for cheap.

Thanks for the feedback Rach. Good point about the you're/your issue. Thanks for pointing that out. As for the comment "Screams scam and spammers," I don't know if you're aware of CANSPAM but it is perfectly okay to send unsolicited email providing you are compliant. Ideally what happens is you move these people to an opt-in list and purge or scrub the bounces and unsubs.

I know this is the copywriting forum, but any marketers out there want to weigh in on this?

Thanks again folks
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- Alex Cohen 13 years ago
  
  Howdy fellow Warriors. About to run media to these pages, and wondering if Y'all could weigh in with your opinions before I dump a bunch of money on media.
  
  Even if you thought you had the best copy this side of the Mississippi, dumping a bunch of money on media right out of the box isn't a good idea.
  
  Test with small media buys. If you don't get the results you're looking for, tweak and test small again.
  
  Only after you're happy with the results should you scale the media buys up.
  
  Alex
  
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GuerrillaIM

13 years ago

I think headline would be better if you quantified the claim. Its good you put a timescale on it but "making money" could be true if they are making $1/hr.

Tell them instantly how much effort they have to put in, how much money they will get, and how long it will be before they get it.

Also on your bullet points have a much shorter statement. You can follow this up with a longer explanation but make sure it is visually sperated. You can do this using bold like:

this:

Is a service that truly helps businesses yet costs them nothing – If you don’t make them money they don’t pay – but…you always make money – Why is that important? Because money is freedom – freedom from poverty and stress

could become

Every Business Needs This! - Once you learn this simple and powerful technique you will have more clients than you can handle. It costs them no investment and makes both of you money. It's win-win!

Also I think you need to work a bit more on plausibility.

Who are you?
Why are you giving this system away for a low fee?
Why should they trust you?

I don't like this CTA:

You’re probably wondering how much this amazing money making system will cost? It isn’t really even worth talking about. What if I said less than a cup of coffee and breakfast? Only $7.99 – Would you spend a measly $7.99 to make thousands – Order now, you’re going to love this.

It just doesn't sound right. Like its trying a bit too hard. "amazing money making system" just sounds like "scam" to me. There has to be some trade off. Even the most gullable know you dont make thousands from spending $7 on an ebook. Also it could be thousands of dollars over several years. Its too woolly.

You could come from an angle like:

This information is important but I don't want it to go out to just anyone. With this method myself and others are making thousands of dollars each day. You need to be dedicated to making yourself a success.

Are you willing to work 2-3 hours a day in return for a 5 figure income?
Are you willing to take a step of faith and try something new?
Are you ready to be your own boss and work on your own terms?

If the answer is YES then YOU are the right person for this information.

Click here to get your report for just $7

(although this method will never become saturated I reserve the right to take this offer down at any time. Make sure to grab the report today or you may miss out)

Maybe put some sort of tangible free bonus in there as well. I am not a copywriter, just thought I'd throw some ideas out there.

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Cam Connor 13 years ago

Hey Zulu24,

I browsed the page... overall, good, but needs work.

First of all, there are some pretty bold claims there, without too much in the way of credibility indicators. You need some testimonials, case studies etc... Ones that stand out and are higher up the page. I could nitpick the site to death, however, the copy is generally weak, and not compelling... I would have it redone by a Pro, or at least, if you're on a tight budget, hire someone to give you a critique. Not having professionally done copy will kill your sales and flush $100's or $1000s down the toilet if you plan on spending a lot of money on Media buys, as you indicated...

Writing your own copy is basically reserved for already-expert copywriters and newbs who are on a really tight budget, and just trying to get on their feet with minimal paid traffic, free traffic, etc.
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- Shadowflux 13 years ago
  
  Well, first off the copy at the beginning really needs to be rewritten. It was hard for me to understand what you were saying and I read medieval literature for fun.
  
  Aside from rewriting the copy, which I really think you should hire someone for (we know you can afford it, you have 18 grand in your PP lol), I think you should switch around the order of things on your site.
  
  You should put the video right under the headline because this is the easiest way for people to find out what you're promoting. You should then put the "testimonials" under the video and the copy under that. People are only going to read the copy once they're interested in the product. The video should make even the laziest person interested in reading the copy.
  
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Viramara 13 years ago

I'll just comment the 2nd page

About the 2nd page : put a LIMITED TIME ONLY. I see no urgency. The testimonies are great and you can put it upper.
"Hurry grab this package before I raise the price to $37. 10 (slashed) 8 slots available"
You can add the beginning (Headline or around it) $37 (slashed) $17 (slashed) $7.99 for strictly limited time.

Make the texts more varied. Increase the font size of some points, make more bulletpoints. Add some relevant pictures (businesspersons, money flying from computer or something like that).
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- fluffythewondercat 13 years ago
  
  Yes, your funnel sucks. Starting with the headline, but the suckitude persists all the way through.
  
  You're marketing to lower-income people, the products of America's public school system, and you expect them to read all that?
  
  Prospective buyers of *anything* are hopeful and yet filled with fear. They don't want to make a mistake. You don't seem to realize this because you've written lines like:
  
  This system sells itself because nobody including you or the business has anything to lose.
  
  Of course they have something to lose: $7.99. Even well-off people don't enjoy being taken.
  
  I agree with those who recommend hiring a professional copywriter. You've identified your market but you don't seem to identify *with* them.
  
  fLufF
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RichBeck 13 years ago

Zulu,

First, I would work on the sentence flow. I agree with Shadowflux; the beginning is difficult to understand.

Second, some of the very best copy I have read tells a story. Make it more like you are sharing your latest "find" with a friend over coffee. The key is "sharing" not selling. You need to connect with the reader before you try to persuade them to opt-in or sell them anything.

All the Best,

Rich
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zulu24 13 years ago

Thanks for the feedback folks. Guerilla IM, i'm with you on the CTA will change.
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