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Care To Critique My Weight Loss Salesletter - Thanks In Advance!

by Mr Squeeze
9 replies
Hey guys,

I am currently working on a project with a hypnotherapist friend who wants to sell her new hypnosis gastric band cd.

Now she knows that I often visit this great forum and see this as an indication that I must be fairly good at internet marketing.

To be honest I am probably one of the worst lol, however my friend knows that I have been a little broke lately and believes this could be a nice little earner for both of us.

So without another word I got started on a salespage, which leads us to where I am today.

I would like to ask you experts to please take a little look if you have any spare time and get back to me with any feedback you may have.

Now before I give you the link, i'd just like to say that the bonuses aren't the actual bonuses that'll be on the site they were just put there to give an idea of how the site would look with bonuses there.

anyhow, you can see the site so far by clicking the link below;

Gastric Hypno Band

Many thanks for your advice in advance,

Stephen Courtney.
#advance #care #critique #loss #salesletter #weight
  • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
    Banned
    [DELETED]
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    • Profile picture of the author Cam Connor
      Hey Stephen,

      OK, that critique I promised you for when I got back from the store. lol. Anyways, the header takes up way too much space, I'd recommend dropping it's size, and putting someone more valuable there. A Success/story or testimonial should be higher up on the page, preferably above the fold. Maybe people won't scroll down, if it doesn't look like you have any credibility at this point.

      Headline is good, but could be stronger if you use the "Imperative". For example, "Experience This Amazing New Weight Loss Program by World Renowned Hypnotherapist, Kimberley Tylor!"

      I wouldn't start the letter off with "Dear Dieter" that just sounds weird and probably makes your audience feel as fat as they probably are, I would recommend "Dear Friend" ... or something of the sort, it's more casual.

      Delete all your bullet points in the beginning. The whole "Are you this, are you that?" is too cliche and SCREAMS "commercial". The last thing you want to do is ask your readers to read an advertisement right at the top of the page... or at all. You're bullets should pique their interest right off the bat by answering the question they're asking right off the bat... "What's in it for me?" You're bullets should offer a benefit, then either get them to experience that benefit mentally, or otherwise intrigue them with it.

      Alright, that's my "above the fold" copy critique, hope that helps. PM me if you have any further questions.


      -Cam
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      • Profile picture of the author damjan
        As a graphic designer, you have too many colors and they clash with each other. That red behind the green is hard to read and it's cartoony for my taste. Anyways, I'm not a copywriter however your headline does not catches my attention. I think putting in numbers and or time frame would benefit more than just fancy words. I don't know why you've said "then I think I have the answer for you." That tells me that you are not sure in yourself and your product so why would I buy it from you? I think that you also need some research fats to support your claims to grab the attention. The beginning is kind of weak. I'll stop here because I'm not an expert but I gave my opinion as if I were a client.
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  • Profile picture of the author dcc1980
    Stephen I think it looks GREAT!!!
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  • Profile picture of the author Quality Copywriter
    hi there

    i think it's a strong sales letter. Couple of things though.

    I would experiment with sifferent colors. Stay with the blue but lose the green.

    I would reverse your headlines too.

    The one underneath is a nice stacked benefit headline and would look good first.

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  • Profile picture of the author Mr Squeeze
    Hey guys,

    Thanks for your input

    @Quality Copywriter - Would you keep both headlines or place the second one at the top and work on another?

    Regards,
    Stephen
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    Stephen,

    You lost me a bit at the beginning. There needs more urgency to capture the attention of your A.D.D. weight loss audience... I personally think the headline gives you credibility, but the H2 doesn't follow it up effectively. Ask yourself: What is someone who has tried EVERYTHING to lose weight staying awake at night thinking about?

    The answer will compel more people to read.

    Get them hooked on the possibilities of an approach that's totally out-of-the-box.

    Remember Office Space when he got hypnotized and ended up being commended for his who-gives-a-**** attitude?

    Help people imagine how losing the weight of their story can dramatically and instantaneously change their mind about their body. Pounds just dropped in an instant by shifting their attitude!

    I'd eliminate a few of those initial bullets and focus on being fed up with the fads and explore a little bit more about the serious health issues that occur in people who are overweight or obese.

    Give them more of an emotional roller-coaster before going into the introduction.

    I'd even say instill a bit of fear in them because being overweight is a very serious problem!

    Heart disease, diabetes, stroke, horrible digestive problems, depression, etc...

    URGENCY!
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  • Profile picture of the author Hans Klein
    I didn't read every word. But here are a few notes:

    * I'm not sure the comparison of gastric bypass surgery is the best idea.

    Are those considering surgery really your target market. Or are you more competing against Nutrisystem or dieting in general than surgery?

    In this case... losing weight "Without surgery" isn't that strong of a benefit.

    * Why is Kimberly Taylor "World renowned?" You say she works with "A-list" celebrities and business people. You need to get someone to let you use their name. Otherwise... you need an explanation why you can't give their names.

    Why is she so sought after. Explain this.

    * Build out your case studies and testimonials more. Make them more personal. Get before/after pictures. These can make or break your product.

    For instance... Jenny Craig reinvented their business thanks to their one story of Kirstie Alley. Nutrisystem was able to afford advertising to men on ESPN thanks to the story of Dan Marino. And P90X wasn't profitable until users started sending in their case studies.

    I mean... you have testimonials with someone who claims to have lost 90 Ibs! Yet... you only give her first name. You need to do what you have got to do to get full case-studies.

    * Why is this limited to a British audience.

    * Address objections to hypnotherapy. Why not create a unique name for the hypnotherapy system Kimberly uses.
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  • Profile picture of the author TimRobinson
    I definitely think the headline could be tested and improved. To me your current headline sounds like it belongs on a PR release, and doesn't appeal to those really wanting to shed the pounds.

    Something along the lines of "You're about to discover the secret hypnotic weight loss method that is giving thousands of women their youth back with very little effort required"

    or

    "The secret to long lasting weight loss with minimum effort, finally revealed"

    To me Gastric Hypno Band doesn't sound like a mainstream thing, and more like some secret method nobody's ever heard of for rapidly loosing weight. So I'd imagine playing that up would work quite well.

    "Weight loss used to be hard... not any more"

    I don't know how old it is but it sounds like it's just been discovered and they're on the bleeding edge of weight loss science and are now able to use this new discovery for themselves to lose weight with no effort.
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  • Profile picture of the author Vincenzo Oliva
    To start your headline about the "World Renowned Hypotherapist" should not be the focus or the actual headline. This is only a pre-headline. The headline should be the big benefit to the reader, the big promise.
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