HELP Please?

13 years ago

Hi Robin,

There is Daniel Scott, Alex Cohen and myself who offer paid critiques on this forum.

There may be more [sorry to those names I've missed out]

You'll get more in depth help this way than what will be given on the forum.

I can see where you are going with your letter, just needs some organizing
and strengthening of existing points.

You are nearly there.

Best,
Ewen

Thanks

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Mark Andrews

Banned 13 years ago

Originally Posted by ewenmack

Hi Robin,

There is Daniel Scott, Alex Cohen and myself who offer paid critiques on this forum.

And several others including myself Ewen.

Your post is absolutely fine Robin. Trust me.

Do you mind first of all explaining the thinking behind your main headline please?

Best,

Pete Walker

Thanks
1 reply

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herbalhound 13 years ago

How much is a paid critique? And how do I go about getting one?

Explaining the thinking of the headline. I guess that is just what the product is. That was my main thinking. To say this is what I am selling or this is what this book is about? I found it hard to say in fewer words? Do you think it is too long or something?

I honestly don't know the first thing about writing and I know even less about writing a sales page but I can't afford to have someone else write it at this time. So any help you can give me is more then appreciated. I have tried to look at other sales pages in order to get an idea of the flow but I find this kind of thing really the hardest part of this whole process. Thanks again.
- Thanks
- 2 replies
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- RickDuris 13 years ago
  
  Before I respond, let me ask a couple of questions:
  
  Who specifically is your market?
  
  If there are different types of people in your market, please name them.
  
  For instance, your letter calls out to "pet entrepreneurs," but who are they specifically?
  
  Do they run service businesses like pet hotels? Kennels? Do they own grooming businesses? Dog walkers? Pet sitters? Veterinarians? Trainers?
  
  Or maybe, you are targeting those entrepreneurs who sell or manufacture some sort of a product already, like shampoo, toothpaste or organic food, or some sort of pet supplement like blue green algae?
  
  Next, how do you plan on finding these folks and driving them to your website? What's your plan there?
  
  It would help to know who your market is, because you're right. I personally have never seen a book on this subject matter before. And matching the message to the market in your case is going to be essential because few have seen this before and will have no reference or way to compare.
  
  Good luck with your endeavor,
  
  - Rick Duris
  
  Thanks
  
  2 replies
  
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  Lori Kelly 13 years ago
  
  Hi Robin.
  
  Your idea is awesome.
  
  As Rick said, it is imperative to know your customer. After you understand who the customer is, you can then begin to address your targeted market.
  
  It does seem that you are targeted entrepreneurs who can earn money from selling natural pet products.
  
  That would not necessarily be limited in scope to pet lovers, but opens up a wide range of the market to include a lot of "general" entrepreneurs.
  
  If your target market is narrowed down, you can design two different sales pages, for example, one targeted to the entrepreneur, and one targeted to the pet lover who wants to use natural products.
  
  I understand what it is like starting out with little money. You could start by testing what you have. If it is not working, tweak it. Keep tweaking until you find something that works.
  
  Personally (as a pet lover and entrepreneur), I would rather not see the "Order Now" or "Instant Access" until you have sold me on the product.
  
  Although the herbal images in the background are consistent with the product, it distracted me. Perhaps you could also consider yellow highlights for the important, eye catching phrases.
  
  Maybe instead of "Don't Wait Because the Price will go up", you could say something about the product being on sale until September 30. After that date, the regular price of $X.
  
  "Regularly $249", maybe draw a line through it and say Get Your Copy Today for Only $99!
  
  - Are you from Austin? I live in the Hill Country.
  
  Good luck!
  
  Thanks
  
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  herbalhound 13 years ago
  
  Hi Rick,
  
  Well I am a groomer and I got into doing this because it just seemed like a natural thing to do as I had a bit of know how already. I save a lot making my own product as oppose to buying them and I am able to market to my clients which they really like. It is part of what sets my shop aside from all the others.I figure my market is going to be people like me. Groomers, Pet Hotels people that have a shop and may already be selling retail items but could make more selling their own brand.
  
  However I am also targeting people who sale crafts goods at festivals and trade shows. I have a lady who made dog clothes that started selling some of my items and she has done very well with them. So I figure anyone like that.
  
  I also think that there are a some people that aren't looking to profit from it but just want to give there dog the best or who have had problems finding products that work for their dog and family. Exspecially when it comes to chemicals and what not.
  
  I think I have a decent market to choose from but I am not sure as of yet how I am going to target them. I know this may be a problem for me.
  
  I plan on doing some ppc adverts and article writing. I have already written some articals in the past on grooming and as pet care as SEO for my shop's website. So I guess to answer your question I don't really know what I am doing. LOL!
  
  Thanks
  
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- ewenmack 13 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by herbalhound
  
  How much is a paid critique? And how do I go about getting one?
  
  Robin,
  
  You'll find details of the copy critiques in the signatures found
  at the bottom of our posts
  
  Best,
  Ewen
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  Hugh Thyer 13 years ago
  
  You have done a lot of work on it.
  
  Here's a site you could model. Different market but the same type of product. Make money from your hobby.
  
  I know this is a proven winner.
  
  How To Make Money With Scrapbooking
  
  Hugh
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  herbalhound 13 years ago
  
  Well I have been working on it and making some changes. Mark and Daniel, I hear what you are saying and I really appreciate the advice but my book is really more about creating a product line to sale, not remedies. While there is some remedy type recipes for fleas, bad breath and hot spots that is really not the main subject of the book. It speaks more about how to market, package, label and make a products in large batches. While someone could use it for their own dog I just don't think that is it's bigggest market for this book because of all the other information. I will just keep pecking away at it til I get it right. Thanks again everyone.
  
  Thanks
  
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Arock

13 years ago

Hey. I kind of like the greens in the background. I don't usually, but here it didn't bother me.

The writing has too many run-ons. Try to be more on-point and get your message across in an easy to read manner.

Also, your blocks of text are too large. Break them up. It is too difficult for the average eye to concentrate on.

I guess that the main problem is that it is not very reader friendly, therefore will not convert very well.

Thanks

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Lori Kelly

13 years ago

So you have identified:

1. Pet owners
2. Pet shop owners/groomers
3. Pet hotels
4. Craft show, trade show, festivals

You have identified your market and now you can take some time and come up with a marketing plan. It's not a problem, it's a challenge and you can do this.

There is a ton of information on this forum about marketing. I wouldn't necessarily start with ppc. Spend some time here and learn from the people who have successfully marketed their business.

Thanks

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herbalhound

13 years ago

THANKS SO MUCH!

I know there are some horrible grammatical and run ons in there. I stayed up way to late trying to write this. I think I honestly need to look away from it for a minuet because when I look back is when I start fining the silly problems. I am going to take a couple of hours away from it and then come back and try and work on the things you all have suggested here. Thanks again so much.

Thanks

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Mark Pescetti

13 years ago

Your target market here should be the end consumer.

Natural dog remedies is a huge market. In fact, the key term "natural dog remedies" gets Googled roughly 18,000 times a month alone in the broadest sense... (only about 170 times per month verbatim.)

If you want to appeal to entrepreneurs, you should really create some sort of track record first. However, either way, making a business opportunity out of your 100+ page report/ebook should be a separate endeavor... unless you're gonna use clickbank or some nonsense like that...

Anyway, that's my take... End consumer looking for natural, organic, homemade remedies.

List the benefits.

Compare it to taking your dog to the vet.

How much many can a person save over the life of their pet?

Cheers,

Mark

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Daniel Scott

13 years ago

I agree with Mark... consumers is where it's at.

Talk about why regular remedies are super dangerous... and other herbal remedies incredibly expensive.

Then BAM... a solution is offered.

And $99 for an ebook? Not gonna happen - at least not if you're an "unknown". Even heavy marketers add a lot of bonuses and so forth.

Also... the design hurt my eyes. And last time I checked flat leaf parsley, thyme, rosemary, triple curled parsley and the other stuff wasn't used for dog remedies...

Unless the dog remedy happens to be a really tasty ragout.

-Daniel

P.S. I was actually pretty impressed by the effort you put in - and the skills you have - hence why I'm replying to this critique request. Seriously... it's a damn good effort.

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Mark Pescetti

13 years ago

Well, if you're speaking exclusively to entrepreneurs, whether they're stay-at-home moms or seasoned money-makers, you need to illuminate the possibilities more specifically.

If you're speaking to Law of Attraction types (since you're including books like Think & Grow Rich), explain how your ebook creates the opportunity to manifest the reality they've been envisioning more effectively...

...or even combine your affiliate page information (sans the banners and such) to make a more complete sales letter.

Either way, you need to really hone in on your audience and speak directly to them.

In my opinion, it's going to be a very specific type of entrepreneur (or hopeful entrepreneur) who would be interested in following through on making the products and selling them.

Also, break up your copy... it's hard to read.

Keep each line it at one sentence.

Don't try and bundle your thoughts together into paragraphs.

Keep moving forward!

Cheers!

Mark

Thanks

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Halmac

13 years ago

This is just my opinion herbalhound...I understand you are selling a way to make money with natural pet products, but the Bonus items you have included seem to be more distracting than helpful. I get that they are in the "entrepreneurial" field but its almost too overwhelming. Add the fact that those products are easy to find for free online, and it takes away any value added by the bonuses.

Maybe most people don't know you can get those items free, and maybe I am just jaded after seeing so much of them, but I get the feeling that the bonuses overshadow the actual product...making me take my thoughts of your product.

Again, just my opinion, I hope it helps a little bit.

Thanks
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Ross Bowring 13 years ago

You've got some very thick paragraphs in that letter and a small font in the body copy. Break up those paragraphs and it will look like an easier read. The eye is attracted to variety not sameness. Vary the length of your paragraphs but make your longest 4 lines max. And boost your font size a bit.

--- Ross
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- herbalhound 13 years ago
  
  Thank you thank you thank you! I knew the body at the top was too much but I just haven't figured out a better way to do it yet. I have been trying a few different things. I will take your suggestions on breaking the whole page up more. This has been such a journey. Whoo I am so tired. LOL! I will keep adjusting. I too hated the way it looks when it first comes up like whoo I have to read all this. I have found this part to be the most frusterating of the whole process. I see now why people like to source all this out. It is a lot for one person to take on.
  
  Once again thank you all so much for your time and advice. You are all such a blessing to someone like me who is struggling to get this right.
  
  Thanks
  
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herbalhound

13 years ago

I ment to ask what does "Sans your Banner Ads" mean? Are you talking font?

PS The one thing I have going for me with this right now is that I am 6 months pregnant and my ankles are swollen up like softballs. All I can do is sit with my feet up and work on this site. LOL! Lucky Me. ;-)

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gjabiz

13 years ago

Read all advice and criticism carefully. OK?

First thing...

I had a custom made candle business in the 70s before candles were "hot". Did very well with them. The MADE AT HOME CRAFT is always in demand.

I want you to spend a little time LOOKING and READING some other people's stuff. In particular the work of Alan Bullington. You might consider emulation of his strategy.

First, to one of his many ARTICLES on his craft:
Handmade Soap Making -- Step By Step

Alan and his family sold over 35,000 bars of soap (at an average price of 4 bux) and expanded his line until he had a catalog.

Here is his soap making KIT: Starting A Soap Business From Home

I'm using SOAP here, but the principles apply to you...homemade equals more natural and a higher quality product in many people's minds...especially when it comes to pets.

Also, take a few moments and puruse these links:

Bramble Berry®, Inc | Soap Making Supplies

Amazon.com: Soap Making Kit: Toys & Games
Trying to point out there is a LOT of competition but room for everyone.

The Original Soapmaking Kit

OK, enough about making soap. Let me address your promotion.

I agree with Rick Duris as to TARGETING the market...and if you read anything I've written on the copywriter's forum, it is my one trick pony, my MANTRA...Market ID first.

That being said. I disagree about it being a consumer product. It CAN be, but there is no reason it can't be that...and several different other products.

But, you probably will need a specific promotion for each niche or sometimes called a segment of a given market.

Pet Groomers would be a segment of the Pet Service Providers category.

The Pet Industry is a Billion Dollar a Year Business...Here's HOW You Can Get Your Share.

would be a stronger appeal to those IN the business looking to add a profit center to their grooming business or pet store or other marketing programs...they don't have to be in the PET business. Your appeal would be to the Entrepreneur and all the better if you can target that (oh, by the way, I'm one of those guys who doesn't think writing good copy that pulls in dollars is easy...it is HARD to get people to part with their money...BUT, if you start with the right TARGET and offer up a Message which is in synch with what they are already thinking...you stand a much better chance).

So a promotion to someone seeking a Money Making or Biz Op would have more appeals to things a future Entrepreneur would look for. MAKING money in an established market.

They don't need to be pet lovers, owners or anything else. The APPEAL is to give them a relative "ground floor" opportunity of working from home and building a nice little sideline income or trying to grow a big business.

An appeal to fellow groomers, well, you don't have to tell them HOW big the market is...tell them how quickly and easily they can add a profit center their customers will love.

Just a personal thing, but I hate the "My friends laughed" approach...you are using valuable space. Better is something like "Here's how I added an extra $12,674.52 last year to my Pet Grooming Business by simply making NATURAL PET PRODUCTS in my spare time."

I can show you how to quickly and easily create an additional profit center to your pet business because I have done exactly that.

Again, the APPEAL is going to differ from TARGET to TARGET.

So, here is my FREE critique, take it for what it is worth...fair enough?

Write several different headlines. IF you are pitching a MONEY making method, focus on the reader making money...quickly, easily, FUN, spare time, much in demand, pet lovers spend money, etc. etc.

I think you did good, but there is a lot of HYPE in the beginning...and you mix messages. WHO says it is priceless? Who says it is THE ONLY guide? They raise questions.
Who says it is spectacular?

I don't like the title. You could actually have several different titles...pick one to match your TARGET audience.

Keep it simple. How to Make Natural Pet Products People Want to Buy. Something like that.

I don't want to operate a pet spa. Your title is too clever. Essentials for the herbal hound? Do hounds WANT herbal or do their "Owners"?

Here is my bottom line opinion...no need to critique the promotion as it is...

What I THINK might work is YOUR story.

A picture of YOU in the upper left corner. A HEADLINE to match the TARGET, be they people already in the pet business or those looking for a money making opportunity or CONSUMERS...could be all three and more.

But they all should have a PICTURE of you, maybe a picture of you grooming a pet or two.

If MONEY MAKING, put dollars and cents in, tell them you only work ONE day a week to make products, how easy it is, how quickly it can be done and how, IF they follow your lead, they should be able to make quick sales too.

IF to Pet Groomers, or those in the Pet Industry, tell them your story. But leave out all the hyperbole.

Something along the lines of

Hi,

My name is Robin Kasper, I'm a real person with a pet grooming business in Austin, TX.

My salon and pet boutique has been successfully doing business for over 15 years and I cater to those people who treat their pets as family members. They want the very best for their beloved friend.

Many of my clients asked about NATURAL products, such as a gentle shampoo, and honestly, when I started, they were hard to find.

So I started researching and soon developed my own line of NATURAL, Pet Friendly and safe products.

SEE? Tell YOUR story. Let other Pet Groomers know they can add a simple PROFIT center to their business just by carrying your product line.

LET the Wholesale Entrepreneur know they can make money by servicing their own "Route" in their hometown, and offer products to pet salons, pet stores, retail stores, health food stores, vets, pet hospitals...and directly to consumers.

LET the consumer know how to order and give them good reasons for doing so...and each would require it's own TARGETED PROMOTION...

but each one would have YOUR story as the centerpiece...just dress it with different appeals according to the market.

IF you decide to give it another go...I'll be glad to give you a fuller critique, for FREE, and I'll do my best to help you out.

I am ALSO involved in marketing a natural PET PRODUCT, and at one time helped develop pet supplements too.

Just so you know, I have a little experience in your market and a little bit of copywriting experience to boot.

Good luck, let us know what you do next.

gjabiz

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AskShawn

13 years ago

PM me. I would like to help.

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