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Critique my salesletter...

by Joseph Then
7 replies
I wanted to give up on this salesletter but just recently I decided to give it a look and see if I can ramp up anything.

As a background information, this website is getting organic traffic of 40+ unique visitors per day.

I made no sales for the past 4 months, just last week I just changed the headlines and I get 2 sales as of today.

So something must be right here.

Now I need to improve on the salesletter, so any assistance will be great.

I will be doing some tracking on the salesletter so that I know which changes are helping with the conversion rate.

Send me your recommendations!

URL: Receding Gumlines - Gum Recession Help - Receding Gums Treatment
#critique #salesletter
  • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
    Joseph...

    There's no credibility to this letter.

    What makes you an expert in receding gums?

    Are you a dentist?

    Could you get a dentist to figurehead your product?

    If you could, your reader may pay more attention.

    Right now there's no reason to give your message much weight.

    Language wise, it's written in a formal style that impedes writer-reader bonding. For example, you state...

    "A smile is man's most basic social interaction and is the most natural and effective personality booster."

    O.K. Says who? And why so buttoned-up and anthropological?

    I visited a quote website to find that Phyllis Diller said...

    "A smile is a curve that sets everything straight."

    This may be a better tone to work towards.

    --- Ross
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  • Profile picture of the author Doot
    Ross pretty much hit the nail on the head with everything that's wrong on your sales letter
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  • Profile picture of the author Scott Murdaugh
    Yeah,

    Credibility and probably not a great market for an info product.

    If I'm worried about my gums I'm paying a dentist, I'm not buying an ebook from a stranger on the internet.
    Signature

    Over $30 Million In Marketing Data And A Decade Of Consistently Generating Breakthrough Results - Ask How My Unique Approach To Copy Typically Outsells Traditional Ads By Up To 29x Or More...

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  • Profile picture of the author Joseph Then
    Thanks for the feedback. I think you are correct here. I cannot come in the angle of a dentist as I'm not.

    However, if I come from the angle of a user who managed to treat receding gums without a dentist, that will be a good angle right?

    Of course, that would mean, "proof it!". Unfortunately, I don't have a "before & after" photo.

    I'm trying to gather testimonials from the current buyers of my ebook, hopefully that will help.
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  • Profile picture of the author Elle Davies
    Definitely lacks credibility, where are your testemonials?

    Also, the grammar throughout is a little all over the place:

    "This misconception have caused" should be "This misconception has caused...". This same sentence in fact is too long and hard to follow. "The recession has indeed progressed to far..." should be "too far".

    Other errors such as "inasmuch" also makes it seem like you haven't checked the spelling.

    Another tip, there is a slight overuse of elipses (...) - cut down on these and it won't seem like you're struggling for things to say!

    Good luck in improving your page!
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Hi Joseph,

      Often just a straight out offer what you've got gets the job done.

      Improvement testing on such low traffic numbers will be difficult to get valid results.

      1,00 visitors would be a minimum valid result.

      Now back to your sales letter, and specifically to your offer...

      ----------------------------------------------------
      "Receding Gums Cured In 59 Days Or You Pay Nothing"
      -----------------------------------------------------

      That's your offer and headline all in one.

      This bolsters up your lack of before and after photos, scientific quotes, doctor endorsements and customer feedback.

      In one sentence they know what they get and they have no money risk.

      There are other ways to lift response around the order button too, but that's saved for my paid service.

      Best,
      Ewen

      P.S. Get rid of the gum images, they are disgusting!
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  • Profile picture of the author Enis
    Like they say... Add something about you and your experience that they can relate to.
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