Please Review My Salespage

I think hiring a copywriter would make sense... Looks like there's quite a bit you need to change. More than a normal critique would give you.

I like how it's stripped of unnecessary fluff.

My main question is your headline: Is there a broader market you can bring this to, than productivity junkies?

- Alex

Hi Keep Trying,

Structurally, you've covered the bases. While I'm sure every part can be improved, overall, I think you have BIGGER problem.

Here's where I think the piece is incredibly weak: The entire piece feels like you wrote the copy using a "paint-by-numbers" approach.

And the cost to you is that the piece fails to grab me as a prospect.
Emotionally, I feel nothing. It's neither hot nor cold.

In other words, it's lukewarm in it's delivery.

When I work with Clients and Partners, especially in the business opportunity, personal development Internet marketing or the make money online markets, there's always a stage where we go through the piece together just one more time, sentence by sentence, and "amp it up."

I think with your piece, it needs to be amped up.

Good luck,

- Rick Duris

PS: People like Ewen Mack, Pete Walker, Alex Cohen, Daniel Scott, Ross Bowring and Mike Humphreys can help you do that.

PPS: And no, I am not being compensated for dropping names. It's just that I appreciate their contribution here and I think they'd be a good fit for what Keep Trying needs accomplished.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I appreciate it and will try to do what I can to improve it.

@Cam Connor Thanks.

@Alex Ceskavich Yeah, I wanted to remove unnecessary stuff and get straight to the point. This is mainly targeted to an audience who wants to learn how to focus better -- not so much just productivity junkies.

@RickDurris Thanks for your honesty. I really tried to write it in a more emotional way than my first salespage, but I guess it's still not enough.

Can you explain what you mean by "I wrote the entire piece using a 'paint by numbers' approach"?

What specifically could I change or add to make this salespage more compelling for someone to buy my product?

Thanks again in advance.

WARNING! WARNING! DANGER WILL ROBINSON!! You are now getting feedback from a graduate student. That'd be me. And I taught anatomy labs in grad school, so bear this in mind.
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Some suggestions:

Drop that first line, "if you are having trouble focusing..."

Move the questions up to be the very first thing the reader sees. Move the promises below the question section.

Drop the line, "I was stupid." There are lots of reasons for failing to get everything done, and stupidity is not always the case. Folks could read that and go, "okay... it's for stupid people (that was my reaction.)" And it's "lie" not "lay" in the sentence, " I just wanted to lay in my bed... "

Cut the story WAY down. Or eliminate it. That's not making it personal to the student.

Drop the bullet point "a detailed explanation for how the brain works" unless you're REALLY going to talk in depth about neurotransmitters, glial cells, types of memory, the lobes, the gyri and sulci, and so forth (which I don't think you are in 27 pages.) Remember, a lot of your audience will be science geeks, like me.

"transitioning into a state of calm flow" is kind of a meaningless phrase. I'd drop it or change it. It sounds like plumbing repair or something.

"Our brains only have so much energy that can be wasted quickly if not used correctly." is not a correct statement. We are constantly getting energy from our bodies and the brain, in fact, has a priority on food and resources. It never gets wasted -- if the brain doesn't use it, some other part does or it gets stored.

"ways to make your mind and body work at it’s optimum potential" is in dangerous territory (and that's "its" not "it's" (it is)) -- focusing may not make your body work at its best. Be more specific (like "perform tasks" or something similar. Focus won't help my pancreas.)

CONFUSING SENTENCE ALERT: What will work is understanding how to cooperate with your mind and body so that focus doesn’t seem like you’re “focusing” at all.

...and find a synonym or two for 'focus' (check a keyword finder and see if there's some sort of related term.) You're kind of overusing it.

I would bold and emphasize your price (and put it in several places, including right after your questions section.

Yikes! Thanks guys. This is a lot of critique, which is good, except it just means that I have a lot of work ahead to do...

I don't want to get overloaded, so I'm just going to plan and do one or two changes then move to the next.

It seems like everyone agrees that there is a problem with my headline (Thanks Rick).

I really thought "Boost Your Productivity by 200%" was good and would capture my attention if I needed to focus, but I guess it doesn't have enough "spunk" to it.

Anyway, Ewenmack gave an example: "When Top 6% Of Students Must Pass Exams, But Don't Want To Study, This Is What They Do".

Although I understand where you're going with this, I don't want to make any outrageous claims that I cannot factually support. But I did brainstorm some new headlines that might work:

Original Headline:

Boost Your Productivity By 200%!

New Ideas for Headlines:

Focus is what separates and the not-so-successful!
Focus is what separates the successful from the average!
Why is it that some people can focus easily while others can't?
Get your work done twice as fast and relax!
Don't struggle to focus anymore! Learn how to get your work done easier and faster!
Don't struggle to focus anymore! Learn how to get your work done easier and faster so you can relax and play!
Don't struggle to focus anymore! Learn how to get your work done easier and faster so you can finally relax and have fun!

Putting myself in someone else who is have trouble focusing, I chose the last headline because it grabbed my attention the most and I could imagine people wanting to have fun instead of focusing on their work...

My mind is still swirling from all the advice. It's difficult for me to transition from having an essayist's mentality to having a copywriter's mentality, but I'll try my best. I just want to focus on getting the "top" of my salespage down before moving on to the more technical problems later on in the salespage (Thanks Mel I will get to those problems you addressed).

I've made a few changes. Let me know if this looks better, or is an improvement from the original...

Finally, keeping the "big picture question" in mind: Does this salespage compel you to want to buy my product?

KeepTrying, I think you have yet to narrow down who your target market is... like Ewen has mentioned already. College students could be one, business people, professionals and so on could also be a part of the market that's interested in "focus" (and related self help products).

You won't be able to target them all with a single approach. So I'd recommend you get some information on the people looking for this stuff... In particular, Amazon would be a goldmine for this info.

Also, there was a cool product out by Kevin Rogers called "Market X Ray" or something of the sort... I think you'll find it helpful to narrow down who you should be marketing this to.

All the best,
Ansar

Thanks guys. I think narrowing down my target audience would be helpful in terms of generating a salespage that those people could relate to more.

The only problem is: I don't really know.

I started out in the SEO forum and basically did keyword research. I've heard about starting off with a low competition keyword and then expanding it, so that's what I did.

If you go to google.com and type in how to focus better, I've managed to get my website to the top.

The only problem is I don't really know "who" or "what a person's occupation is" when that particular person is typing in "how to focus better" in Google.

I imagine they could be a college student who wants to focus better for his/her exams.

But they could also be a struggling entrepreneur who has a hard time focusing on doing on project at a time, like this person: http://www.warriorforum.com/mind-war...oing-nuts.html

Or they might be someone who just got out of a bad breakup/relationship and desperately wants to focus on life again.

My initial intention was to help online entrepreneurs, but would it be possible to target these people that I mentioned above (e.g. college students and online entrepreneurs) who want to learn how to focus better?

Here's an updated version of my salespage: Ultimate Focus Guide | How To Focus Better

While your copy makes a well reasoned case for someone to buy your product, your target market may not have the patience to go through your entire pitch.

What if you made the copy a lot more spicy?

John Carleton is brilliant at this. His copy, at times, whispers, shouts - cajoles, commands - reasons, grabs, - high fives, shames, - highlights and subtly moves the reader to the next paragraph.

Your target market has a problem staying on task. You need to keep "luring" them to the next part of your pitch.

Vin Montello, at his website, talks about using teaser copy. This is what they do on the nightly newscast. (Bomb found in the Metroplex, find out if your area is affected - after this message.)

A quick partial fix is to use "Copy Doodles." These are the graphic additions to copy that look like somebody scribbled some notes in the margins. Having what looks like hand written notes such as "Check this out", "This is what I mean", or arrows that look like they were hand drawn, pointing to important parts of the copy, grabs the readers eyeballs, even unfocused readers.

Good Luck
Rick