[Critique] Workable vs. Scrap & Hire A Pro

by SeeksSteven 15 replies
Hey Hey...

For this type of work, I'd typically hire a copywriter. But I found a bit of free time on my hands and figured I'd give it a shot. I like the first draft, but I think it could be much better...

What do you think?
A) Fixable
B) Scrap

Thanks!
#copywriting #critique #critique request #hire #pro #scrap #workable
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  • Profile picture of the author MissLizzie
    Hi Steve - Just a few comments on your letter.

    First, I still don't understand why shared hosting is so bad. How would the other users place affiliate links to porn on my website that I'm controlling, even if it's on a shared host? Through hacking, I presume, but isn't that a risk everywhere, even on dedicated servers? (Sorry if this sounds very stupid. I am pretty useless with the technology side of things....)

    Secondly, you also don't tell us enough about your company. The sales letter is all about attacking cheap web hosting companies, rather than about the service you offer. You need some more detail about why and how you are different from everyone else. It could be really simple things, like every customer will have a designated customer service rep, or you'll get the manager's direct dial number in case there are any complaints. I don't know what your company's doing, so I can't comment on this really...

    Finally, Ernest Hemmingway said something memorable along the lines of all first drafts are ****. If you don't like the first thing you've written, it's not necessarily a problem. The problem starts when you don't like the eight, ninth tenth or eleventh draft....

    L
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    • Profile picture of the author SeeksSteven
      Originally Posted by MissLizzie View Post

      Hi Steve - Just a few comments on your letter.

      First, I still don't understand why shared hosting is so bad. How would the other users place affiliate links to porn on my website that I'm controlling, even if it's on a shared host? Through hacking, I presume, but isn't that a risk everywhere, even on dedicated servers? (Sorry if this sounds very stupid. I am pretty useless with the technology side of things....)

      Secondly, you also don't tell us enough about your company. The sales letter is all about attacking cheap web hosting companies, rather than about the service you offer. You need some more detail about why and how you are different from everyone else. It could be really simple things, like every customer will have a designated customer service rep, or you'll get the manager's direct dial number in case there are any complaints. I don't know what your company's doing, so I can't comment on this really...

      Finally, Ernest Hemmingway said something memorable along the lines of all first drafts are ****. If you don't like the first thing you've written, it's not necessarily a problem. The problem starts when you don't like the eight, ninth tenth or eleventh draft....

      L
      I usually hire a pro to avoid littering copy with super tech talk... Think I tried to avoid it too much here...? We're trying to push the idea that shared hosting is fine for your average site (if you don't mind the bad possibilities) but should you be trusting your revenue generating site/business on it...

      Rereading it now, after I put it away for a bit. You can't really tell who we are and what we do. We're NOT a web host though, just providing information and helping people move from one solution to another, which is explained to them after the email submit. Where we fit in makes sense a little later... Think it should be more upfront - what we do?

      Thanks for reading!
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Good job, Steven. But this line in your head needs to change - "So why shared web hosting space with them?" to "So why share web hosting space with them?"
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    • Profile picture of the author SeeksSteven
      Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

      Good job, Steven. But this line in your head needs to change - "So why shared web hosting space with them?" to "So why share web hosting space with them?"
      This wasn't a typo... More of an attempt to fit that keyword into the header, without changing the meaning of the sentence too much... I do realize this makes it grammatically incorrect and doesn't read well..

      Write for people not seo.. *noted*

      Thanks.
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      SeeksAdmin | Quality Server Administration
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      • Profile picture of the author Ashley Gable
        I really liked it all the way up until you introduce the "solution".

        I am on shared hosting and have been thinking about switching and I found it very interesting and educating in a non-boring way. Plus the office analogy helped a lot.

        I think if you expanded on how dedicated or vps servers are better ie give some benefits, I think it would transition much better.

        Just explain how a dedicated server prevents all that bad stuff from happening.
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        • Profile picture of the author SeeksSteven
          Originally Posted by Ashley Gable View Post

          I really liked it all the way up until you introduce the "solution".

          I am on shared hosting and have been thinking about switching and I found it very interesting and educating in a non-boring way. Plus the office analogy helped a lot.

          I think if you expanded on how dedicated or vps servers are better ie give some benefits, I think it would transition much better.

          Just explain how a dedicated server prevents all that bad stuff from happening.
          Cool, so the negatives make clear sense.. but the solution is lacking... I agree with you here. Thanks for the input.
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      • Profile picture of the author Spastabetic
        Originally Posted by SeeksSteven View Post

        This wasn't a typo... More of an attempt to fit that keyword into the header, without changing the meaning of the sentence too much... I do realize this makes it grammatically incorrect and doesn't read well..

        Write for people not seo.. *noted*

        Thanks.
        I tried that once and bombed really badly. One of my big mistakes, actually one of many.
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        Ron
        -------------------------------
        "it's like, just my opinion man"
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        • Profile picture of the author MLDerk
          I was most interested in everyone's comments on this, as well as the original PDF. I am trying for the umpteenth time in more than ten years to get into Internet Marketing, and find myself needing to be a copywriter and a marketer -- neither of which I feel competent in, nor which I would choose as a career!

          The article alerted me to an area I've not given any thought to, so it expanded my "sensitivities."

          The comments were very helpful in pointing out writing techniques.

          I needed all of that. So I give you all a big thank you as I come in the back door!!
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        • Profile picture of the author SeeksSteven
          Originally Posted by Spastabetic View Post

          I tried that once and bombed really badly. One of my big mistakes, actually one of many.
          Yeah, we did it on our main business site too, and our customers surely let our live chat reps know about our inability to spell and use correct grammar. Not sure why I let myself do it here.
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  • Profile picture of the author MissLizzie
    Hi Steven - Yes, putting more stuff in about who you are and what you do would definitely help the sales letter. Well, for me anyway!

    In terms of techie stuff, you need to think about your customer's level of knowledge. How savvy are they, and how much do they know about shared hosting vs separate servers. All that matters is that your prospect understands what you're selling... so think about their position and whether they would "get" your sales copy.
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    Steven,

    It was a good effort. Whether or not you need to hire a pro will essentially depend on your level of skill and what you are capable of when re-writing this.

    For one thing... it needs a lot of polish. Take a good eight hours to go over this... make every single sentence as tight and compelling as you possibly can.

    Now... as for the letter itself...

    The first thing it needs is more impact. At the moment, it's a light slap. You need to turn that into a brutal kidney shot... something that comes out of nowhere and leaves your prospect reeling.

    This means you need to be a lot clearer and heavier on the dangers of shared hosting.

    One thing that might really help you is using a case study of someone whose business was seriously negatively affected by the hosting. You say in the letter you've got hundreds of stories... why not choose one?

    That'll help give the reader a lot more empathy with you and three-dimensionalize the problem... rather than it being a vague, far-off, esoteric kind of concept.

    -Daniel
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    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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    • Profile picture of the author SeeksSteven
      Originally Posted by Daniel Scott View Post

      Steven,
      For one thing... it needs a lot of polish. Take a good eight hours to go over this... make every single sentence as tight and compelling as you possibly can.

      -Daniel
      Enough said right there.. Time to hire a pro. Did this in my free time...Its not my specialty...And no 8 hours to dedicate to it.

      Your ideas are great though... I will definitely implement them in my quick rewrite.. to use as a vague "wireframe/blueprint" for a pro to use to start fresh and rebuild.

      Thanks!
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      SeeksAdmin | Quality Server Administration
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    You're welcome.

    I can't speak for other copywriters... but I know personally I don't usually work from "blueprints" clients have given me.

    That's not to say I don't take their ideas on board if they're good...

    But if you're hiring a pro, it's usually best to just let them do their thing.

    -Daniel
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    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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  • Profile picture of the author SeeksSteven
    Oh yeah, I agree. I meant more so of a.. This is some of what we're looking to get across to the client..have fun do your thing... (I want a 3 story house...you're the architect how its done is all you.. )

    I wouldn't dare tell a copywriter how to do what they are experts at... Sort of like when some of our clients come to us and tell us the best way to secure/manage their servers...

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    SeeksAdmin | Quality Server Administration
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  • Profile picture of the author SeeksSteven
    Yeah, I do the same. Just wanted to take a stab at some copy and applying some techniques I've read. It was fun, and the feedback was great. Will probably drop a PM to one of pro's that helped me here to knock out the good stuff..
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