Does my copy suck that bad?

by ipdster 7 replies
Ok here's the deal. My website is BeMoreBold*com

I'm using ppc targeting lots of cheap "how to talk to girls" types of keywords.

After 2000+ clicks I've had zero sales. In fact I've had no more than 10 people go to the sales page.

What else can I try?
After doing a lot more research on my competitors (eg. confidencefx*com, butterflyrepellent*com) I can see that noone with this idea is making money. Should I just consider it a loss and move on towards the next idea?

Any and all input is greatly appreciated. I won't get offended. Thanks!
#copywriting #bad #copy #supplements
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  • Profile picture of the author ipdster
    By the way here is one of my best performing ads that I use:

    Want To Chat With Girls?
    Men Only. Boost Your Social Skills!
    100% natural supplements to be Cool
    BeMoreBold*com
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  • Profile picture of the author Mr. Subtle
    Originally Posted by ipdster View Post

    Ok here's the deal. My website is BeMoreBold*com

    I'm using ppc targeting lots of cheap "how to talk to girls" types of keywords.
    Your product costs $57 (plus shipping). Wouldn't a couple of shots of whiskey, vodka or gin (from a $20 1.5L bottle) do the same thing?
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
    Banned
    Originally Posted by ipdster View Post

    Ok here's the deal. My website is BeMoreBold*com

    I'm using ppc targeting lots of cheap "how to talk to girls" types of keywords.

    After 2000+ clicks I've had zero sales. In fact I've had no more than 10 people go to the sales page.

    What else can I try?
    After doing a lot more research on my competitors (eg. confidencefx*com, butterflyrepellent*com) I can see that noone with this idea is making money. Should I just consider it a loss and move on towards the next idea?

    Any and all input is greatly appreciated. I won't get offended. Thanks!
    Re: Be More Bold

    Why are you targeting these keywords mentioned?

    Are not these keywords at complete odds with the product on your homepage?

    Talking of which...

    Your main headline is...

    The Only Supplement Designed To Keep You At The Top Of Your Game

    What game?

    Why should I scroll down to find out whatever it is you're trying to pitch to me?

    You tell me above the fold...

    • Stay Cool Under Pressure
    • Get In A Social Mood
    • Be More Care-Free
    • Increase Your Natural Drive
    Followed by to the left, in reverse block, white on an orange background (reverse block is never good for conversions - a little tip for you) your order button.

    Is this as far as you're prepared to go to help your potential market to justify a purchasing decision?

    And why does that geezer want to shake my hand? It's a complete waste of space. Is he boosting your conversion rate or could you use this space above the fold to better effect?

    Below the order button is an 'asterisked' warning. Is this the best position for this or could this be a filter in your sales copy you don't need?

    Below this appear two boxes alongside one another. Are these aiding your slippery sales funnel? Which incidentally should be all about channeling your readers downwards to the direct call to action, buy it now button.

    And below this, finally, we have your headline. Which is piss poor. Made in the USA? Who cares? No great benefit here.

    Followed by your sales blurb...

    Which although you try and set the scene with a story for the reader to relate to (good attempt), fails miserably in it's purpose.

    Your first sentence needs to be a paragraph in it's own right. And no more than 6-8 words.

    The purpose of this first sentence is purely to get the reader to read the second sentence down. And so on and so forth.

    I think perhaps it might do you good to look at your psychological persuasion triggers a lot more closely.

    Specifically these ones...

    • Feeling of involvement or ownership
    • Honesty
    • Credibility
    • Value and proof of value
    • Justification of the purchase
    • Greed
    • Establishment of authority
    • A satisfaction conviction
    • Nature of the product
    • Prospect nature
    • Fear
    To mention just a few.

    I can't go through the rest of this, can't fathom out for the life of me why you've separated everything out into lots of various boxed components. (?)

    To be honest it needs a massive makeover, preferably from scratch, starting again.

    Don't believe me? Well, your test market of 2,000 visitors has already told you the answer you don't want to hear - so you know I'm right.

    Start again and this time concentrate on actually creating a slippery sales funnel.

    One last point to help you...

    The Risk Free Trial Box - whack the first instance of this up closer to the top, preferably above the fold. In fact, knock that bloke on the head whose trying to shake my hand and stick it in there and delete your order box at the top, which needs to be further down the page.

    People love free no expense, zero risk trials.

    I'm sure others will start chirping in with their advice very soon.

    Best of luck,


    Pete Walker
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  • Profile picture of the author DanielleLynnCopy
    Without even reading the copy, I see a big reason why people are leaving as soon as they land.

    Think of it from the guy's perspective.

    He wants to chat with girls.

    He sees an ad asking if he "Wants to chat with girls?"

    He thinks "Oh neat, girls!"

    *Click*

    First thing he sees is a giant smiling MAN in in a suit with an outstretched hand.

    "Uh.."

    *Close site*

    Okay, I get it - you're trying to say "take this supplement and you'll be as cool and confident as this fellow here."

    But what's happening is these guys who want to meet girls are instead meeting -what I can only assume is- a floating lawyer intern, delivered by the heavens, reaching for you with a dubious grin on his face.

    Okay, I had my fun Joking aside - these guys are clicking on the ad because they "Want to chat with girls."

    Nowhere above the fold do I see even one image of a woman, or even a MENTION of women.

    You're losing customers because you're not delivering on the premise that brought them to your site in the first place "A supplement that helps you feel confident enough to talk to women."

    Since that's the message drawing visitors in, build upon that aspect of it. Use images of the goal they're seeking "talking with women/being around women," start from scratch, and build the copy's benefits around how the supplement will help them achieve that goal.

    Edit: Saw your post after I posted Pete! OP, there's fantastic, detailed insight in there. Make sure you heed it!
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    • Profile picture of the author zannix
      If I was interested in learning how to talk to girls, I wouldn't really want to see a confident guy reaching out to me. That would make me feel like a puss, if you know what I mean.

      Instead, a picture showing a man succesfully approaching a woman would certainly do the trick better.

      My 2 cents

      Zannix
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      All you can do is all you can do - Art Williams
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  • Profile picture of the author abilityrentacarr
    Banned
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    • Profile picture of the author ipdster
      Thank you all very much for the critiques. I'm glad that you have found so many things to correct aka opportunities.

      This was my first shot at an internet product pitch. I'm about to setup a sales page for a different muse (an ebook), and will use the comments that you've left so that I don't make the same mistakes twice.

      I'll come back and re-do this (bemorebold) sales page, and we'll see how it sells then. Thank you again!
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  • Profile picture of the author sandrasims
    When I read the ad...

    Want To Chat With Girls?
    Men Only. Boost Your Social Skills!

    I thought I would find an online dating site or a "how to meet women" ebook.

    So there's a mismatch between the ad and the landing page.

    I'd replace the current image at the top with the "An Enhanced Experience" and the 3 photos of the girl. (Though I'm not sure that An Enhanced Experience is a great headline.)
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    Sandra Sims

    Established marketing services website - view my Flippa website auction here!
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