My first sales copy: wish me luck

Big problem #1: No credibility... no reason why I should listen to you... and no reason to buy this course over any of the thousand similar offers out there.

What makes YOU qualified to teach me about this?

That's the first objection you need to answer.

-Daniel

You need a much more powerful headline. Go to Vin Montello's site and grab a copy of his free report on headlines. That would really help you.

You need to tell your story in your copy for credibility. Why should they believe you?

You need some serious reason-why copy on your price. If your course is so great, why are you only charging $17 for it?

You need testimonials and bonuses.

You need to rewrite your first paragraph. It's really dull. You will lose people there as well if they get past the headline.

In short, find a good checklist for writing a powerful sales letter and follow that closely.

Is that whose site that is? ; )

More importantly, it doesn't appear that you've internalized the lessons.

Stephen, I gifted you a subscription to FEC because you wrote something here at WF a little while back.. I don't even remember the topic anymore.

My point is that your "copy" in that post REACHED me... and stirred me to action (comping you into FEC).

So, clearly you have the ability to communicate on a HUMAN level, more persuasively than this letter indicates.

What's different?

Well, there's the whole anxiety and pressure of this being a "sales letter" and that was just a WF post... BZZZT.

One of the reasons why forum posts are so easy to write persuasively is because you're often writing to ONE person...

...or at least one person who represents many other similar people reading.

Catching the hint here?

Go back and spend an hour today listening and reading David's Quickstart Audio #1... then study Module 1 - Headline Templates.

I promise it will make this easier for you.

Good luck,

Brian

I'd steer clear of saying things like-"just for today it's $17"

not very believeable and probably not true if the customer checks back tomorrow.

I would suggest discounting the first 30 sold or something like that.

throw a sassy word into the headline too

like "get instant access to" or "discover the step by step" ..... and work a time period and exact figure in there too.

The headline is a biggy when it comes to getting sales.

If you wanna pm me I'll run through things with you -

cheers man

There's many things to improve in your letter.. assuming you wouldn't want to start afresh.. The first thing that strikes me there's really no emotion whatsoever in the whole piece. You don't use any power words, imagery or do much with the benefits to begin with. The second thing is.. it's as if you don't really know what you're selling. Either that or you assume the prospect knows what you know. In terms of flow and structure, there are quite a few things missing before this becomes a sales letter. I'm sorry if this sounds a little harsh, but I think you really need to get back to some fundamentals.

stephen.. make a sales letter and put it up and running is already a GREAT leap..

And I am sure we will learn more from experience..

because GREAT people learn from experience and smart people learn from other peoples.

your sales letter just need a view tweak ,

perhaps the first thing is by making your headline unique

congrats and good luck

cheers

Overall structure - not bad. I found the conversational tone easy to read. However I do agree with many of the above comments, improving the headline is a must. The headline is about promising your most important benefit - show the prospect how beneficial the product is within the headline and you have their attention!

(Just a personal preference, but I wouldn't use a brown background, it looks....muddy?!)


Keep up the good work,
Elle

Stephen,

Let me say you do have a gift for writing.

It's important to remember that, because you must be a capable writer to write copy. Ain't no two-ways about it - you can't write, you can't be a copywriter.

Fortunately, that doesn't seem to be a problem here. It's just the learning curve.

So let me throw this out there.

Not to restate the obvious, but you're not qualified to write the first paragraph.

You have no credibility.

Dan kennedy writes that? Ok.

Clayton Makepeace rights that? Sure, I buy it.

Stephen Lessey says it? ...Who?

Fortunately, this is an easy fix.

Few ways:

1) Your eyebrow/the little italicized copy above the headline, can say, "Stephen Lessey, the internet market who banked $XXX in 35 days and has <blank, blank, blank>, now wants to give you..."

You do this to set yourself up as the authority before they even get into the copy. It adds punch to your headline, too.

2) Tell the story. I think this approach is losing impact now in the IM world, but you might be able to milk it.

"If you had told me 3 years ago I would be an internet marketing maverick... the kind of guy who pulls in 6 figures for 3 hours of work... I would've laughed until Coca-Cola squirted out of my nose.

And yet I've been making $152,673 (on average) for the last 2 years.

There's a funny little story that will show you how that came to be... But more importantly, how you can use the same approach."

Obviously that **** needs work. But you get the idea.

3) Address it up front.

"You don't know me.

As a result, anything I say will probably put you on edge. And when I say I've made $152,676 a year by doing virtually little work (or whatever), you'll probably sneer and think of closing the page.

Can't say I blame you. After all, I've been in your shoes and heard all the hype.

But if you're willing to give me just a few minutes, I'll do what NOBODY has done before - tell you the truth about how I made money playing Crash Bandicoot all day, and how you can make a nice, steady income doing it, too."

^^ This is an approach I like, but you can try em all.

Either way, you can't get anywhere until you get over the credibility hump. Nobody buys until they believe.

S'all I got time for. Hope it helps.

-Angel