Critique My Pitch Page

Lose the white-text on black background. Comprehension
drops catastrophically with reversed-type. You can test
but in my professional opinion your site "look" is very bad.

Your paragraphs are dense and intimidating.

Basically, nobody will read your salesletter because you
are making it too hard.

I hate to say it, because I am sure you worked very hard on this, but I am not really liking this...

First, the copy...

I think I know what you are trying to do with the structure, but the execution isn't really there. The "story" at the beginning is almost 1/3 of your whole sales page. The main benefits are way below the fold. That might be OK if you were a little persuasive in the beginning and vaguely touched on the benefits, but you didn't. I could go on, but I think the best thing for you to do is find a sales letter "template" (just for the structure) or look at a successful sales letter and try to emulate it (but not copy). Or hire a copywriter.

The design...

I agree with Loren on the reverse type issue. If you really want to stay with the black to make it "slick and classy" (which I think you were trying to accomplish), change the font color to an off white or very light gray. To high contrast kills the eyes...

Header looks generic, wouldn't really bother including it in it's current state.

I may sound harsh, but I think it is better that way...

On the other hand, I think the product could be a hit. At least you are taking action. Don't get discouraged!

Hi there,

I think you put in a lot of effort in the copywriting bit, but the storyline weakens the sales page.

Perhaps the first 2 paragraphs can be cut down to more chewable portions. He basically recited recipes of different concoctions and played it in his car. Why would another student bartender buy that if they could also make their own mix tapes free of charge?

Maybe you can give credibility to this guy, like is he a famous bartender now, won any awards, owned his very own chain of pubs? Is it based on a true account, otherwise anything goes right?

I feel that the headline can be more grabbing, why weeks, not months?

I'm sure this memory technique requires time as we need to repeat what we memorize in order to commit it to long term memory.

From what I understand you need to repeat an information 1 hour after learning, then 24 hours, then 7 days, and it will be remembered for a long, long time.

So it will definitely take days, or at least a week, not just hours.

Maybe you can tweak the headline a bit to... something along the line... cut months of bartending classes and still learn more than 200 drinks...something something.. the headline needs some work.

Hope it helps..

the only thing i dont like is the white text on black backround

On the internet people won't read long paragraphs. Keep
them under 5 lines each as a rule of thumb to make your
site appear "easier" to read. People like easy and most
prefer not to read - but they will if they must but will
get frustrated and not comprehend your message.

Read Michel Fortin's stuff on comprehension or get
Drew Eric Whitman's book Cas$hvertising. Or don't.