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Need Your Help: should I offer to strip to my undies here?

by jkhdsf
15 replies
I'm sending out this email cold, to event coordinators of local companies.
I'm selling tickets to a pop up restaurant.
I'm looking for bookings of 25-50, for staff christmas parties.

What I'd like some help with is assessing whether the tone i'm using here is too light? I am torn between the advice of experts who say "entertainment does not belong your sales message" and those who recommend keeping things light and personal with friendly touches of humour.

In my gaurantee, I offer to personally strip down to my underwear and run down 4 city blocks if they are not satisfied.

Things like this, I am not sure whether they will act as a hook or a deterrent.

I'm open to any general advice as well.

Here's the Email Copy

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Any foodies on staff? Planned your staff christmas party yet?

I was out at lunch recently and a stranger at the next table said it best: "no one wants to help plan the staff christmas party, but they'll all complain about it behind your back if it's lame"

Here's a quick and easy solution for you. It's totally unique and the people you work with will think you're a genius!

My name is Matt and I'm contacting you from Swallow Tail Secret Super Club. We're a culinary event's and tours company in Vancouver, with a focus on local and even wild foraged ingredients.

Next month, we'll be launching Vancouver first entertainment-infused Pop-Up Restaurant. The whole pop up thing has been popular in cities like New York for a few years, but it's totally new and exciting for Vancouver! So if you work with any foodies, they will certainly be thrilled to hear about this.

Here's a quote from our press release, explaining what a Pop-Up Restaurant is:
"A Pop-Up Restaurant is where creativity in the kitchen is at it's highest level" Kort explains, "Renegade Chefs invite people into the back alleys of the city to hidden locations to experience conceptual, one time only menus"

The name of the pop-up is Down The Rabbit Hole.

Think Alice In Wonderland meets Fine Dining.

We've partnered with In The House theater group to create an interactive dining experience, blurring the line between entertainment and food.

You can expect The White Rabbit to take your coat, The Mad Hatter to serve you tea.

By the way, it's a BYO Wine party so your boss will love you for the cost savings and I can forward you our Sommelier's wine pairing list too. (Feel free to tell everyone you picked them yourself lol)

You'll each get 5 courses + entertainment + a cocktail.

The price for public is $129 per head, but I think you'll be more interested in the group rate at $99.

Dates: We are open for only 9 seatings, and then gone forever.
Nov 24-26
Dec 1-3
Dec 7-9 (sold out)
Dec 15-17

Times:
Thurs/Fri - 7pm Seating
Sat - 4pm or 8pm Seatings

Location: The Secret Location will be revealed to attendees one week before seating.

Dress Code: as fancy as you like
Vegetarian Menu Available

I guarantee, this will be the best staff party you've been to. In fact, if anyone in your staff thinks the party has a complaint, choose any street in Vancouver and I will personally strip down to my underwear and run down 4 blocks of it...Even in the snow.

Now, to reserve your seats, call me (Matt) at xxx-xxx-xxxx.

Look forward to speaking with you!

Matt Guterres
Marketing Director
Swallow Tail
xxx-xxx-xxxx

PS
I don't know if you've got a boss you'll have to run this by, but if you do, here's what they will want to hear:

-Drinks are often the most costly thing about restaurants. BYO Wine/Beer means you save money...A LOT of money

-Staff parties are about team building. More often than not, everyone only comes because they know there'll be free drinks. This year, your team can share in an exciting and fun evening that they are sure to remember as "the coolest work party I've been to"

-And that means, moral goes up, productivity goes up, and someone might even bring you in a mug that says "#1 Boss"
#offer #strip #undies
  • Profile picture of the author CopyWriteHer
    A couple of editorial points:



    you said: "My name is Matt and I’m contacting you from Swallow Tail Secret Super Club. We’re a culinary event’s and…"
    Is that supposed to be “Super” or was it “Supper”?


    Also: “event’s” should be events (in the copy I listed above)


    you said: “Next month, we’ll be launching Vancouver first entertainment-infused Pop-Up Restaurant.”


    Should be: Next month, we’ll be launching Vancouver’s first…”


    you said: “The whole pop up thing has been popular in…”
    If you wrote it as “pop-up” in other places, stay consistent in the rest of your copy.


    As to the actual copy, one of the things I would point out is that you passed up an opportunity to reinforce your call to action at the end of your “PS”
    I don’t know if the offer to strip down is too informal, but my guess is it is not. People who would be up for this type of dining are probably “outside the box” thinkers, so your offer of stripping down would not seem too “out there” in my opinion (others might disagree). I do think I would get rid of the “lol” in the copy.
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    • Profile picture of the author jkhdsf
      Wow. So lesson one...proof read dummy. Haha thanks very much. It certainly was supposed to be "supper" and not "super"

      Thanks for your advice, I will follow it.

      As far as the "lol" goes...That one I had to stop and think on for a while too. Personally, I wouldn't ever use it in my own personal email messages. But I've seen it in Frank Kerns copy and I figure if he's been consistently doing it, he's probably tested it.

      Seemed less abbrassive than a "haha". Maybe just a wink will do? Or maybe I should leave it alone altogether and trsut that they will get the humor. What do you think?

      Originally Posted by CopyWriteHer View Post

      A couple of editorial points:



      you said: "My name is Matt and I'm contacting you from Swallow Tail Secret Super Club. We're a culinary event's and..."
      Is that supposed to be "Super" or was it "Supper"?


      Also: "event's" should be events (in the copy I listed above)


      you said: "Next month, we'll be launching Vancouver first entertainment-infused Pop-Up Restaurant."


      Should be: Next month, we'll be launching Vancouver's first..."


      you said: "The whole pop up thing has been popular in..."
      If you wrote it as "pop-up" in other places, stay consistent in the rest of your copy.


      As to the actual copy, one of the things I would point out is that you passed up an opportunity to reinforce your call to action at the end of your "PS"
      I don't know if the offer to strip down is too informal, but my guess is it is not. People who would be up for this type of dining are probably "outside the box" thinkers, so your offer of stripping down would not seem too "out there" in my opinion (others might disagree). I do think I would get rid of the "lol" in the copy.
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  • Profile picture of the author CopyWriteHer
    Also, as I am thinking about hooks and your copy… what is the main benefit of your letter, as it pertains to the people themselves (not as it pertains to their bosses, as you detailed in the PS)?



    Reading this portion:
    No one wants to help plan the staff Christmas party, but they’ll all complain about it behind your back if it’s lame.
    Here’s a quick and easy solution for you. It’s totally unique and the people you work with will think you’re a genius!


    It sounds like the main benefit to the reader is that people will think your party rocks and that you are a sheer genius to have thought this up.


    I don't know if you "need" the strip and run thing as a hook, but here were a few headlines I thought up.



    How To Wow Your Co-Workers and Get Noticed By Your Boss - Just By Letting Us Handle Your Office Party


    Warning: Your Co-Workers Talk Behind Your Back When Your Christmas Party Is Stale. Let Us Handle Your Party And Look Like A Genius With Zero Effort From You.



    Throw A Christmas Office Party That Turns You Into The Office Rock Star – They Don’t Have To Know We Handled All The Details


    Warning: People Talk When Your Office Christmas Party Bombs - Give Me One Evening And I’ll Make You The Rock Star Of Your Office
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    • Profile picture of the author jkhdsf
      Originally Posted by CopyWriteHer View Post

      Throw A Christmas Office Party That Turns You Into The Office Rock Star - They Don't Have To Know We Handled All The Details

      Warning: People Talk When Your Office Christmas Party Bombs - Give Me One Evening And I'll Make You The Rock Star Of Your Office
      I like these two.

      Though I was going to make the headline "Attn: Event Coordinator". I know it's dull but I bet that get's a lot more opens than something that looks liek a sales letter.

      What do you think?
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      • Profile picture of the author CopyWriteHer
        Were you going to include anything after the "Attn Event Coordinator"? You could try using that and then using one of the headlines I mentioned as a subheading within the body text.

        I agree that "lol" is better than "haha". What is your target market's general age range?
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        • Profile picture of the author marciayudkin
          This is an interesting idea. A couple of things that weren't clear to me:

          1)Is this pop-up restaurant outdoors or in some unpleasant location? (I got that idea from the reference to the "back alleys".

          2)If someone wants a company party, how many people can you accommodate and will they have the whole "place" to themselves or not?

          Good luck,
          Marcia Yudkin
          Signature
          Check out Marcia Yudkin's No-Hype Marketing Academy for courses on copywriting, publicity, infomarketing, marketing plans, naming, and branding - not to mention the popular "Marketing for Introverts" course.
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          • Profile picture of the author jkhdsf
            Originally Posted by marciayudkin View Post

            This is an interesting idea. A couple of things that weren't clear to me:

            1)Is this pop-up restaurant outdoors or in some unpleasant location? (I got that idea from the reference to the "back alleys".

            2)If someone wants a company party, how many people can you accommodate and will they have the whole "place" to themselves or not?

            Good luck,
            Marcia Yudkin
            1) the location is going to be a beautiful heritage home on a lake. the secrecy is because it is an underground culinary event and that's part of the appeal

            2) we can book the whole place out for groups of 25-50
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        • Profile picture of the author jkhdsf
          Originally Posted by CopyWriteHer View Post

          Were you going to include anything after the "Attn Event Coordinator"? You could try using that and then using one of the headlines I mentioned as a subheading within the body text.

          I agree that "lol" is better than "haha". What is your target market's general age range?
          they will be 25-50. urban professionals basically. office workers who are also foodies. they work at law firms, ad agencies, designers.
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Yeah - as Ken says, the undies gag is lame. You need to hit on the "Pop-Up Restaurant" thing - that's your hook. Pop-up restaurant - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

    Build a story around that. Think Seinfeld going to The Soup Nazi.
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  • Profile picture of the author kiteg2
    To many I, me, my. Get rid of as many of them as you can and you copy will be much better.

    I was out at lunch recently
    Recently at lunch, etc

    I guarantee, this will be the best staff party you’ve been to. In fact, if anyone in your staff thinks the party has a complaint, choose any street in Vancouver and I will personally strip down to my underwear and run down 4 blocks of it...Even in the snow.
    Seriously??? would you buy if your read that?

    Your guarantee should have your strongest point in it, and there will always be a complaint. I saw a great entertainer get a spontanous standing ovation from an entire room in a country town and one single person complained...go figure. There will always be one. You better get your running shoes on....
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  • Profile picture of the author Nick Brighton
    I think your biggest challenge is demonstrating why a pop-up party is actually beneficial over the tried and tested catering methods for the past 100 years of office festivities.

    Sure, it might be cheaper, but apparently, that's only because they have to bring their own drinks. Nothing unique about that in relation to pop-up restaurants.

    I would directly contrast the usual "traditional" costs of catering for an office party, and show them exactly how much money (and time) they will be saving.

    You should also pull all your benefits - including the ones right at the end - to the top of the page. Get to the point, and tell them what's in it for them, and why they need to listen.
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  • Profile picture of the author Nick Brighton
    Also, in my experience, the main problems a party organizer has are:

    1. Catering to all food tastes/allergies etc (does the pop-up restaurant cater accordingly?)
    2. Choosing a location that is practical for all (with an undisclosed pop-up location, Dorothy the receptionist who lives out of town and needs to arrange transport might find this a turn off?)
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    • Profile picture of the author Azarna
      Christmas needs a capital letter (and pfeffernüsse but that is probably not relevant here, hehe)
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    I actually think it's a pretty good effort. It certainly hooked me.

    I thought you touched on the benefits nicely without ramming them down people's throats.

    One thing I'd probably thinking of adding is some scarcity. "We can only do so many of these at one time (NOTE: maybe just one, I don't know), so call us today to secure your spot!"

    Obviously you'd make that sexier, but you get the idea.

    -Daniel
    Signature

    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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