Review and destroy my sales letter!!

The first thing I noticed were all the LOUD red, underlined words. It's overkill. If I weren't determined to stay on the page to look at the copy, I'd have clicked out when I saw all of that.

Secondly, "If you'd put an end to the fear..." (in the second set of the red, underlined headlines) is not working. You could change it to "For the man who wants to put an end to crippling approach anxiety..."

Then there's this: "My name is Valmont. I teach pick up professionally and I’ve also been a boot camp instructor for 3+ years." You teach pick up professionally? It needs polishing. Something like: For 3 years I have taught men just like you to squash their fears of approaching women and win ladies over with their confident style.

That is just one example; the entire body copy is flocked with awkward wording, in my opinion.

Another example: "By permanently eliminating your approach anxiety…PERMANENTLY…Not for 36 hours at a $3000 work shop…Not for a few weeks after watching a seminar…PERMANENTLY.

12% of your text in that excerpt is the word "permanently". It kind of insults your readers intelligence, don't you think? As if you needed to tell them the same thing 3 times in 26 words, so they will grasp it.

This line "I really want to see you handle this once and for all." was strange to me. Perhaps take the "I" out of it and turn it toward the reader. "Imagine all the steamy nights you've already passed up because of approach anxiety. Isn't it time to finally handle this problem once and for all?"

I am sure others will have helpful tips, but that's my 2 cents.

Hey Mate,

I've written copy for PickUp 101 and the Authentic Man Program and I've actually worked in the PUA industry - So I'm pretty familiar with this market. Here's my feedback:

You need a proof element in your headline. This is perhaps the biggest thing. The first thing I think when I land on your site is "Who the hell are you?"

IMO There are so many gurus in this space, that unless you differentiate yourself or prove yourself right upfront (in the first 3 seconds) you're going to lose your reader.

Remember, most guys who know the term "approach anxiety" are probably already familiar with other people in the space. Why should I give you my money instead of Brad P, RSD, Double Your Dating, AMP or any other program that I've actually heard of?

Right now you're using the classic "benefit driven headline," where you make a strong promise in the headline. But everyone in this industry has seen this a million times. The first thing that goes through their heads when they read this is "Yeah, right."

PROOF PROOF PROOF PROOF PROOF.

I think that's actually my feedback for the whole salesletter. You make a lot of claims, but there's very little proof. I don't believe anything you say in this salesletter.

Case in point, for me personally: I've worked with Lance Mason (who used to run Project SF,) done a bootcamp with Tyler from RSD and in general spent a lot of time and money in this industry. I'd never order your product, because I don't know who you are and frankly you've given me no reason to believe anything you've said.

Proof elements. What sets you apart? You're a psychologist - That's good, I really like that angle, but it's not enough. You need testimonials, real world results, you need to share who you are, where you come from, why your methodology is different, etc.

Heck, a headline that'd be way better than yours right now is to incorporate the proof element of your testimonial right into the headline:

"I Was a 28 Year Old Virgin - Valmont Got Me Laid in Three Weeks"
This Approach Anxiety Busting Formula Works - Whether You're a Virgin With Zero
Social Skills or a PUA Who Wants to Destroy AA Once and For All

Then go on to use Ludovick's actual story to introduce your method.

Anyway - You need to answer the "why should I believe you" question. Especially in this industry, where everyone can name 5 pickup companies off the top of their heads - You don't stand a chance unless you have a boatload of proof.