Convert or die. (Sales page critique.)

21 replies
Hey guys. I realize that the only true tell to whether or not something converts is to put customers to it, and see, but I wanted to grab your thoughts before I started.

Somebody is holding a gun to my head right now, and is saying "Convert or die." Treat this as if I didn't convert, I would die. If there's something in here that would turn you away, turn a customer away, I lose. I die. Thanks for your time.


"Be Attractive. No gimmicks. No lines. No tricks."

"Because of them, I lost 40 pounds, changed my look (now I feel sexy!), started my own company, and most importantly, I feel like I can now approach any woman."

- Eitan, New York

Have you ever wished you could just talk to anyone?

What about that stunning girl in accounting? Are you sick of being the unpopular guy? Absolutely terrified of talking to the opposite sex, and in a constant state of anxiety, unsure if someone is ever going to love you for who you are?

" [Audaces Dating] helped change around my thinking for the better and, like a prize fighter's corner man in a later round, to get back up and give it another shot. Follow your dreams and to the victor go the spoils."

- Lou, California

Would you make a few easy changes in your life, if it meant you could talk to the most beautiful women easily?

Clearly you've been unable to approach women, or even business prospects, and hit up an exciting conversation. Are you paralyzed by the thought of rejection?

I was too.

I wasn't confident in anything I did, I was quiet, I kept to myself, and always watched the alpha guys get women from the sidelines.

But not anymore.

I spent over two years learning the techniques in this ebook. Day in and day out, I studied people, and their psychology. I want to take what I've taught myself, and give it to you.

What if it was possible to find out how to be the social guy that we all admire? Imagine the experiences of meeting brand new people every day, and what they could all offer you. If we took away that fear of social interaction, there's no social limit on anything you do. Gone is the stress and fear you used to have. In it's place is solid unshakeable self-confidence.

Go ahead and write your ideal social experience below.

(text area box here for people on the page to write their 'ideal social experience' engagement mechanism suggested by Maria Veloso, any input on this choice?)


Done? Excellent. It's a fantastic exercise to really write out what you want out of life.

The Pipeline teaches you about life outside the pickup. Outside the tough technical parts of meeting people. We'll teach you how to lead an exciting life that lends itself to meeting people every day, and having them love you for it. We'll also teach you the body-language, voice, and mannerisms a confident person has.

Undoubtedly when you purchase this book, we'll get you out of your seat, feeling high on easy tasks, and talking to people you've just met.

What will happen when you can talk to anyone? Don't be surprised when you can.

Who it's for:
  • Men who are looking to drastically improve their quality of life.
  • Guys who want to become more confident in social settings.
  • People looking to take their "Game" to the next level, being completely outside your head. No more techniques, just you
.
Who it's not for:
  • If you're looking for the easy way out, this isn't for you. I'm giving you a no bull**** approach to improving the quality of your life. It isn't easy, but we do make it easier.
  • Unlike most of my competitors, I'm not planning on selling you a bunch of techniques that trick people into liking you, so if you're looking for that, I suggest you go elsewhere!
Bonus:

When you buy, you'll get a bunch of audio interviews with the authors discussing points in the book, which will provide you an in-depth analysis of it's content.

What you get:
  • A ton of content spread across two books, to help you go from zero to a genuine hero as fast as we can manage.
  • Audio interviews (over 1 hour worth of audio!) with the authors and contributors to "The Pipeline"
  • A handbook PDF on how to read body language, so you can easily identify key movements. Learn what everyone is thinking, just from how they move.
  • The Rules of the Pipeline, a handbook summarizing all of the key points in my book, which allows you to quickly refer to what you'll learn, when you're out meeting people!
  • The Pipeline Recipe book, with several of my favorite low-carb recipes, friendly to the extraordinary diet you'll learn in the book.
Earlier I asked you "Would you make a few easy changes in your life, if it meant you could talk to the most beautiful women easily? " Since you're still reading, I'm going to assume you answered, "Yes." Well now that I've shown you how The Pipeline plans to give you this gift, it's time for you to act on this.

The more you read, the more you have to act now, because otherwise you'll miss out on some of the greatest social opportunities of your life! Click on the button below before it's too late!

*100% Money back guarantee, any time before you die. Try out The Pipeline, and if you don't think you've learned anything, send me an E-mail, and I'll refund the whole thing!*
#convert #critique #die #page #sales
  • Profile picture of the author TopKat22
    At the beginning, I wasn't sure what you were selling. I thought maybe a weight loss program.

    It also doesn't flow well.

    I think you could come up with a better headline.

    In my list building emails, I give some free squeeze page templates that you could use by filling in the blanks with what you are promoting. I know these templates convert when the instructions are followed.
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  • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
    Originally Posted by 4udaces View Post

    Somebody is holding a gun to my head right now, and is saying "Convert or die." Treat this as if I didn't convert, I would die.
    Sorry, I don't know you and am not willing to muster that much emotion to help you on your project.

    Why do you assume anyone here would?

    Alex
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    • Profile picture of the author 4udaces
      Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

      Sorry, I don't know you and am not willing to muster that much emotion to help you on your project.

      Why do you assume anyone here would?

      Alex
      Common human decency. It's simply a turn of a phrase, sir. If you don't decide to help, thanks for at least taking the time to stop by!
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      • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
        Originally Posted by 4udaces View Post

        Common human decency. It's simply a turn of a phrase, sir. If you don't decide to help, thanks for at least taking the time to stop by!
        Sounds like entitlement mentality to me.

        You do understand that marketers pay thousands of dollars for bullet-to-the-head copy, don't you? And hundreds for critiques?

        Maybe somebody here will spend hours critiquing your copy. I guess we'll see.

        Alex
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  • Profile picture of the author apolwar
    Originally Posted by 4udaces View Post

    Hey guys. I realize that the only true tell to whether or not something converts is to put customers to it, and see, but I wanted to grab your thoughts before I started.

    Somebody is holding a gun to my head right now, and is saying "Convert or die." Treat this as if I didn't convert, I would die. If there's something in here that would turn you away, turn a customer away, I lose. I die. Thanks for your time.
    I thought this part was the introduction of the page. I got scared. lol

    And to the real page. Maybe you should put Ethan's line somewhere in the end. Or even not at all. It make it sound that Ethan is under Audaces Dating - the lose weight program.

    Or Audaces Dating really is a lose weight program/dating service?
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  • Profile picture of the author George Curtis
    Gosh, Alex. You must be having a bad day. If you don't wish to help him, just click the Back button and move on.

    Contrary to your belief... there are some Warriors that are more than willing to help out.

    What goes around comes around.

    I hope you don't kick your dog when you get home.
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    THE BEST WORD-PRESS POPUP PLUGIN EVER RELEASED! - "MOW POP"

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    • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
      Originally Posted by George Curtis View Post

      Gosh, Alex. You must be having a bad day. If you don't wish to help him, just click the Back button and move on.

      Contrary to your belief... there are some Warriors that are more than willing to help out.

      What goes around comes around.

      I hope you don't kick your dog when you get home.
      Things are going fine George, but thanks for the concern.

      You don't get it, do you?

      The OP asked for full-throttle, all-out, total-emotion critique. That's what I was responding too.

      You certainly didn't give him one. And as I said before, it's unlikely anybody here will.

      As for "what goes around comes around", I've been thanked in 266 posts. I don't believe in "karma" but if I did, I'd be in pretty good shape in that department.

      Alex
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      • Profile picture of the author Everton1
        Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

        Things are going fine George, but thanks for the concern.

        You don't get it, do you?

        The OP asked for full-throttle, all-out, total-emotion critique. That's what I was responding too.

        You certainly didn't give him one. And as I said before, it's unlikely anybody here will.

        As for "what goes around comes around", I've been thanked in 266 posts. I don't believe in "karma" but if I did, I'd be in pretty good shape in that department.

        Alex


        Alex Cohen has taken a bit of his time to help me, but I don't think I was saavy enough with the thank button. I hope to thank him by eventually writing very powerful copy. In the meantime, this is great fun to read, to be honest...
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        • Profile picture of the author 4udaces
          Alright guys. I'm back. I'd appreciate any and all feedback once again. The first round told me I sucked, so I went out and practiced a little bit more. Hopefully this one isn't quite as terrible. Things that I'm very concerned with in this copy:

          flow, ability to hook, and imposing-ness? is it too long? Too blocky? I'm entertaining the idea of writing a story of a client and my first night out with him. It was pretty.. typical. He got shot down a bunch, but at the end he got a number from a group of really attractive girls. He just looked.. elated. Haha. I think that might be a better way to weave some personality and credibility into the copy? Good idea? Bad idea?

          Once again, thank you so much for the feedback, everyone, even the people who think I suck and am entitled and ****. I appreciate it.

          http://4udaces.com/potential-headline/
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  • Profile picture of the author George Curtis
    4udaces,

    First of all...

    This copy needs a lot of help.

    ALSO... what is not seen here is what I call "strategic" bolding, which makes things a whole lot more readable for your potential clients. Also... we cannot see your fonts.

    Fonts, bolding, bullet points, graphics... all of these can make a huge difference. Many copywriters will tel you that "content is king" ... and yes, it is. But if content is king... then design elements are "queen"... and we all know that the queen is very important in the eyes of the king.

    Your headline is weak. It does nothing for me. It should serve ONE purpose... and that is to get me interested enough so that I will want to read the next line.

    Your subheads should read like a salesletter. A visitor should be able to browse your letter, reading only the headline and the subheads and have a huge understanding of what this is about.

    If I browsed your subheads... all I know is: "Who It's For, Who It's Not For, Bonus, What You Get".
    This is not good.

    You need to employ the "feature/benefit" approach throughout the bullet points. State a feature. Give a benefit.

    Use strategic bolding to break things up. Bold every other bullet point.

    Also... no more than 4-5 bullet points broken up by a testimonial, a buy link or button or a graphic or something.

    Again... a large part of conversion has to do with design elements that are not a part of copy, so it is hard to see the finished product and give critique unless it were on an actual web page and not this forum.

    I could go on and on about copy... but you get the picture.

    There is an excellent book that I would recommend:
    "Writing Riches" by Ray Edwards

    You can find it on Amazon. It is a very good buy and you can get it pretty cheap. Read it again and again (and again). It explains MUCH of what you need to know about copy.

    DO NOT underestimate the need to get this part of it (the copy) right for your website.

    That is probably the biggest mistake that online marketers make.

    Hope you do well.
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    THE BEST WORD-PRESS POPUP PLUGIN EVER RELEASED! - "MOW POP"

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    • Profile picture of the author 4udaces
      First of all, thanks to everyone for the feedback, I honestly appreciate it. In the next hour and a half I'll be re-writing the sales copy and I'll have a revision up soon. I hope to come up with 15-20 different headlines, and get a whole new from the ground up sales copy.

      George, thank you so much for your feedback. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it. It's pretty enlightening listening to what other copywriters think of my work.

      Thanks again!
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  • Profile picture of the author ThomasOMalley
    Your copy is really bad.

    I'm surprised you even posted this copy. It tells me you need to do a lot more work since you didn't even realize how bad it was.

    Study...study..and study some more.
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    • Profile picture of the author 4udaces
      Originally Posted by ThomasOMalley View Post

      Your copy is really bad.

      I'm surprised you even posted this copy. It tells me you need to do a lot more work since you didn't even realize how bad it was.

      Study...study..and study some more.

      Thank you. I'm working hard. That's why I'm here! So you guys can tell me what I'm doing is terrible, and I can fix it! Feedback feedback feedback! I appreciate the feedback!

      EDIT: Does anyone have opinions on the books "Power Copywriting" and "Adweek Copywriting Handbook"? I've read Maria Veloso's "Web Copy that Sells" and I'm on to these books next. Good idea?
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      • Profile picture of the author ThomasOMalley
        I'm glad you like the feedback.

        But I would seriously wait to post again with your copy.

        It takes some time to get good at copywriting. Don't think you're going to get good at it shortly.
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        • Profile picture of the author 4udaces
          Originally Posted by ThomasOMalley View Post

          I'm glad you like the feedback.

          But I would seriously wait to post again with your copy.

          It takes some time to get good at copywriting. Don't think you're going to get good at it shortly.

          I don't think I'm going to be good at it shortly.Though I don't really intend on waiting. every iteration will hopefully get better, and thus closer to a piece that converts. I'll just keep getting shot down until I don't. Simple as that. Besides, tough feedback tends to be true feedback. When people tell me it sucks, especially like 4 of them, then I can be sure there are fundamental problems with it. Thanks again man, I appreciate it!
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          • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
            Banned
            Originally Posted by 4udaces View Post

            Somebody is holding a gun to my head right now, and is saying "Convert or die." Treat this as if I didn't convert, I would die. If there's something in here that would turn you away, turn a customer away, I lose. I die.
            Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

            Sounds like entitlement mentality to me.

            You do understand that marketers pay thousands of dollars for bullet-to-the-head copy, don't you? And hundreds for critiques?

            Maybe somebody here will spend hours critiquing your copy. I guess we'll see.

            Alex
            Alex is spot on. It absolutely does sound like an entitlement mentality framing your request for help like this. I've got to admit, I took one look at this phraseology used and just thought, you can forget it matey. Ask a bit more respectfully and I might be more inclined to help you. Word it like this though, no way Jose.

            Originally Posted by George Curtis View Post

            Gosh, Alex. You must be having a bad day. If you don't wish to help him, just click the Back button and move on.

            Contrary to your belief... there are some Warriors that are more than willing to help out.

            What goes around comes around.

            I hope you don't kick your dog when you get home.
            Say's George Curtis who has this quite incredible track record of proffering outstanding advice often in the Copywriting Forum, unlike Alex Cohen. :rolleyes: (Very dry sarcasm intentional.)

            Seriously dude, you should do your homework first. Do some research to ascertain the facts before spouting off such a loopy comment criticizing Alex.

            What goes around comes around my foot. :rolleyes:


            Mark Andrews
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      • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
        Originally Posted by 4udaces View Post

        EDIT: Does anyone have opinions on the books "Power Copywriting" and "Adweek Copywriting Handbook"? I've read Maria Veloso's "Web Copy that Sells" and I'm on to these books next. Good idea?
        They're both great books. From what you've written, I'd start with "Power Copywriting" (assuming it's the Bob Serling book).
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        Andrew Gould

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  • Profile picture of the author RazvanRogoz
    I'm glad you are studying Carlton. I can see some influences.

    What can I say about the copy?

    -> You should focus a little bit more on what they actually want. Eben Pagan explained the dating market mentality again and again. For example, most people don't want to date hundred of women, they just want a girlfriend.

    -> Second, I find it a little difficult to read.

    -> Third, stop using phrases like "A ton of content spread across two book". Be specific.

    Anyway ... drop me a PM or email me at razvan.rogoz@gmail.com. I'd love to help you. It won't cost you anything. I just have a lot of experience in this niche, wrote a few winners and I can give you a few pointers.

    And if you're wondering what's the catch, there's no catch. Consider it networking.

    Razvan
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    • Profile picture of the author Shadowflux
      I took a quick look through you revised copy and here are some suggestions in no particular order:

      I think you need to focus your copy on one idea. You're selling a book on dating, stick to that. You mention business relationships but you're selling a dating book. Focus on the dating aspect. Try to keep your ideal customer in mind and what he will be thinking and feeling as he reads your copy.

      The visual layout of the copy is ugly, it needs to be more attractive. You also need some graphics, just to spice things up.

      I think you need to connect more with your ideal customer. You need to grab their attention and build that rapport right in the beginning. Your headline should be something simple like "Get the Girl!" If you really were socially awkward, as you say in the copy, then you know exactly how the customer feels. You need to portray that to them. You need to come off as someone who has surmounted some difficulty that the customer is having, like a junkie who finally kicked his habit.

      Try something like this:

      "Get the Girl!"

      You're alone. You're tired of it. You're not interested in anonymous sex, you want lasting and fulfilling love. You want to know how good it feels to have someone you can share your life with.

      I know exactly what you're going through.

      As you read this I would like you to imagine your ideal woman. I want you to imagine the woman who is first your girlfriend, then your wife. Imagine her smile, the way her hair smells, the smooth touch of her skin. Now, I want you to imagine having that woman, sharing your life with her.

      It feels good doesn't it?

      I was in the same place you are, sitting there, wishing I could have that love I always dreamed about. I know what it's like to feel lonely, to feel like you will never have a truly fulfilling relationship with a woman.

      etc etc etc

      I hope that helps a bit.
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      • Profile picture of the author 4udaces
        I will definitely take a lot of this advice to heart! Thank you so much! I appreciate it, very much.
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