Please Review - Sales Page for Capital Raising Boardroom Session ($397 down to $97)

Very brief glance, not sure what all of the spelling errors are all about but apart from this, not bad. Better than most of the requests we receive in this section of the forum.

I would say though you might want to agitate the pain a great deal more. Really stir it up, get those emotions well and truly riled up and then ease your copy into providing business owners with their ideal solution.

Also, try to get rid of the word 'that' as much as possible. You've used it a few times, a most ugly word to use in copywriting. Either delete it altogether or replace it with better words.

As I said I gave this only the very briefest glance as I'm just about to put my head down for 4 hours before packing in yet another 20 hour copywriting stint.

Plus I've got my yacht to sail down the coast today to another mooring before more strong gales come in tonight.

Busy day, busy day.

Best,


Mark Andrews

Hi,

While I can appreciate the work that already went into this piece, it still needs a lot of work from a copywriting perspective.

But even more than that, strategically speaking, it's very hard to understand what you're offering.

For instance, you got three different programs that you mention inside the piece. You've got Scaleable & Saleable, you've got The Entourage Corporate Finance System, and you've got Boardroom Session.

It's also very hard to understand whether this is video training or a live event. While you talk about tickets, you don't tell them when or where the event will be hosted.

In addition, the price for this in Aussie dollars, seems unrealistically low. And I believe it would raise eyebrows for the majority of serious business owners. In other words. The price cheapens the offer.

I also have a challenge with what people are going to learn or take away. When he discussed the modules, they are written in such a way that I can find the same information in a book. There doesn't seem to be much personality imbued in them. Nothing original.

If I was a business owner considering this offer, that would be a turn-off.

Last thing and it's also important: In offers like this, one of the credibility builders is stating how much a guy like Jack personally raised. Is it $1 million? $10 million?

What I get from the write up about him is that he's good at generating PR about himself. But why he's considered an up and comer is elusive. Not to challenge his integrity or experience, but what has he really done or achieved?

I hope this helps in your efforts.

Good luck and much success,

– Rick Duris