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an example of horrible copywriting

by bannerdemers
11 replies
Thanks everyone for all of the help. Still not done yet anyway, it's the cellular link in my sig file anyone who saw the original, yeah, it's a lot better.
#copywriting #horrible
  • Profile picture of the author Brenton
    Woah. Make a new headline, space the article out some more and add sub heading. That would be an allright start.
    Signature

    Place holder.

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  • Profile picture of the author John_S
    Getting in on the ground floor. Few people want to be pioneers.

    Show people already making money. Testimonials. Photos. Full names. Have them tell how easy it is.

    Opportunity is only opportunity where there's proof of potential success. Show there is demand for this product. Show there is credible success being had, right now.
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  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    yeah. That's bad. Bizop copy is a specialty of mine. If
    you want to become a client we can see about getting
    you something that actually works.

    There is a lot to it. Most bizop distributor websites are
    making the weakest of appeals - it's part of the big
    frustration most people who try to generate their
    own leads have. If you must write it yourself get Maria
    Veloso's book on Web Copy. It's no quick fix but it
    will be a start for you.

    You are also barking up the wrong tree with your email
    system. I know. I used to use the same one.
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  • Profile picture of the author Bigsofty
    Oh boy, that sucks so bad... it makes me feel all smart and professional

    Thanks for that!

    I wouldn't know where to begin with advice, asides from "start again" and "Have a 2nd look at how YOU were sold this".

    Doesn't the company have any promo materials, articles or anything?



    B.
    Signature

    This man is living his dream. Are you...?
    www.copywriter-ac.com

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  • Profile picture of the author FitJerk
    LOL ohh I needed a good laugh today.

    Here's the simplest and most effective thing you can do. Actually ANY change on that page will be effective.

    Get RID of that stupid counter... unless you get like 3000 visits a day, you're shooting yourself in your own foot.

    ... Actually... even IF you get that many hits a day, its STILL homosexual to the max to have a counter (no offense to homosexuals). Have a private counter, don't let others know how many hits you get.
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  • Profile picture of the author bannerdemers
    Ok. hit counters gone. Rewrote the verbage with pen and paper then changed quite a bit. cleaned up a lot of the mess, rewrote headline and subheadline. contacted my upline for testimonials(thanks for that tip).
    I know it still sucks, but far less than before. Thank everybody for their brutal honesty (and I mean brutal) and tips to fix. I'll keep my eyes here for any more. I appreciate your time and trouble, and hope you got a good laugh at least out of the deal.Thanks.
    Signature
    save money. make money.
    http://www.bigskycellular.com

    tools and resources to get you started
    http://www.online-toolbox.net
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  • Profile picture of the author Bigsofty
    Images with white backgrounds on a blue background look like crap - try making a white section for the white background images.




    B.
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    This man is living his dream. Are you...?
    www.copywriter-ac.com

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  • Profile picture of the author Bigsofty
    Actually dude, you need serious help.

    Am gonna pm you an offer



    B.
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    This man is living his dream. Are you...?
    www.copywriter-ac.com

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  • Profile picture of the author erinwrites
    Okay, I don't want to be brutal, but here are my first thoughts:

    1. Your design needs to change. Don't be afraid of white space! White space calls attention to the text and images that you might want to use. Black text on a blue background (featuring clouds) on another blue background looks kind of like you scanned in a piece of stationery.

    2. When in doubt about your writing, start with the five W's. Outside of the header, I have no idea who you are! Why would anybody sign up for an opportunity before they learn anything about the company itself?

    3. Think of what would sell YOU on this opportunity. If you came across this would you think "Sign me up! Right now!" ?

    Good luck!
    Signature
    I put words on the Internet.
    Silly Haikus starting at $5! PM me for details! (Because it's fun)
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  • Profile picture of the author bannerdemers
    Thanks everyone. Tomorrow it gets tore down and rebuilt. Ground up. (Why do I feel exactly like I did when I flunked midterms in highschool?)
    Signature
    save money. make money.
    http://www.bigskycellular.com

    tools and resources to get you started
    http://www.online-toolbox.net
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  • Profile picture of the author PhillipOlsson
    I would def work on my color scheme, your font size is also inconsistent, i wouldn't indent your paragraphs and i would make each line look shorter and double spaced in between sentences so that the copy looks more fluent and easier to read.. Headline's gotta go, though i'm sure it took allot of patience to make it doesn't say professionalism.

    No dont let all the negative discourage you.. critisizm is a very good thing because it allows you to see where you need ot focus more of your attention on.

    best of luck, Phillip R Olsson.

    P.S. a quick note... remeber when it comes to building a successfull business it is essential to spend time learning and developing your skills because this is actually 50% of the battle. The better you are at what you do the eassier it will be over time and soon you will be the one giving everyone else the advice. heres to honing our skills
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