Please Critique my Sales Letter

Where is it?

My apologies! Added now.

Hum.

The headline and subheadline confuse me. They don't seem to go together: productivity, building online empire. Which is this about? The stopwatch is OK, for the productivity theme.

Do the day & time have any meaning?

Funnel graphic and confused guy work.

The content of the paragraph under "Systems alone are not enough" is not leading me to a strong enough conclusion. Is this an expression of the 80/20 rule; people wasting their time on the unimportant 80% of tasks, and ignoring the 20% that actually result in forward motion?

For the "Why should you listen to me?" paragraph, I would reverse the content: show the lazy stuff first, then the productivity. It'll surprise the reader and make more sense.

The "Ask yourself this question" paragraph suffers from cognitive dissonance. First you ask a question about how long the reader is going to put up with wasting time, and then you answer it with Money! Confusing.

Then we're on to money. Wait, I thought we were talking about productivity.

You need to tie money in more as the carrot for learning how to be productive.

Then I see a book and checklist. The checklist tells me there is a system, whereas you said at the start a system didn't really help. Thought problem again.

I don't like that blue block size increase at all; makes me think of a Saturday Night Live skit about demoing a feminine product (or was it an adult diaper?) collecting 10% more "leakage"--oddly enough, also presented in a blue dye.

Your PS has to be stronger: turn it into another offer opportunity for this product; a second chance to sell it.

Overall, I believe there are some thought alignment issues that need to be cleared up. You need to pick one direction and subordinate the rest of the ideas and content to that one thing (increased productivity).

Hope this helps.

Your headline and your subhead or deck below the headline are too general. You need more specifics to grab the attention of your prospects.

You need a completely different first sentence. It's a snorefest. No one really cares about time management...they want the results from better time management.

You get into the copy about yourself too fast. You need much more problem-agitate the problem copy with the tremendous benefits they get with better time management.

You need more credibility re. why anyone should listen to you. For example, give the titles of the books you have written, some of the sites you have built etc.

You need to totally stress the benefits of your offer much more.

Your bullets need more specificity and benefits as well.

You need a lot more emotion in your copy as well.

You must set out your price in your copy and why that price is reasonable.

In short, your copy needs a rewrite to compel prospects to buy.

Best of luck,

Thomas O'Malley

hehe what a great little sales letter, I want your book, can I have your book in exchange for being a case study? Ill apply it and see what results I get.

Such a great little sales letter, and its really great. What a wonderful little letter, really nice job. There a bunch of things you can do to improve response, I think getting testimonials to prove that the product works for other people and not just you is a good start *hint* *hint* Overall I think its nice, id start testing.

Tips for raising response:

* Add in free content in the beginning of the letter offering valuable tips for time management or places where other time management books fall short and show what to do instead

* Add in video

* I would add in more visual imagery about your success and get the prospects mouth watering for your kind of success. Paint vivid pictures, provide images of some of the success you've enjoyed without going into the realm of hype. Get them excited about following in your footsteps

Your copy is a lot better than many of the so called copywriters on this forum, I wouldnt post ads of this level of quality in the warrior forum. Your at the level you should hire someone for a critique, because a lot of the advice on this forum can lower your response rates.

P.S. Headline is a little hypey, and you need to establish your credibility earlier on.

P.P.S. Maybe strengthen the call to action, more pressure on the reader to buy now.

The intro grabbed me right away - good work. I did however, skip down to what you've "done wrong" after the cartoon. I like that you have that in there - it makes me trust you more that you're sharing your mistakes with me.

I have added a new section with a couple of diagrams. The section is "How to find out what to change", ending at "Why should you listen to me?" May I have your feedback please? I want to know if the diagrams make sense and if they are in any way persuasive.