NEW Opt-In Page Copy... What Are Your Thoughts?

15 years ago

No I would not sign up.
Your headline fails to capture attention - its too long & lacks clarity.
You are the central focus of the opt-in page rather than the reader. There are way too many "I"s - for example

Why Am I Giving It Away?
Because I can!
Because I know you need it!
Because I want to make this world a more attractive place...

What is your unique angle? What are you offering in your report that sets it apart fron the others on the same/similar subject? Ask yourself "If this was someone else's opt-in page would I sign up?"

The changes that I would make are - (1) revamp the focus of the page.
(2) Write a headline that conveys the major benefit of having the report in an exciting way. i.e. "How to get the body of a Greek God in just 8 weeks" or "Get 6 pack ABS in just 7 weeks" (3) Use powerful bullet points to re-inforce your headline & get the reader passionate. (4) Leave out the reasons for giving it away - the reader is only interested in what this report could do for him.

The perceived value of what you are offering must exceed the "pain" to the reader of submitting his email address.

Good Luck with the rewrite, I wish you every success.

Thanks

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"Excellence is not an event it's a habit" - Aristotle 384 BC

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Loren Woirhaye

15 years ago

Remember that guy on TV who has the 1/2 hour infomercials?
He is there with no shirt and nice abs and all.

The best way, IMO, to prove you are for real is to emulate
what he does. Make a video where they can see your body
and hear you tell it like it is.

Your headline here is no good. Too long and focused on the
wrong things.

[ 1 ] Thanks
1 reply

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FitJerk

15 years ago

Originally Posted by Loren Woirhaye

Remember that guy on TV who has the 1/2 hour infomercials?
He is there with no shirt and nice abs and all.

The best way, IMO, to prove you are for real is to emulate
what he does. Make a video where they can see your body
and hear you tell it like it is.

Your headline here is no good. Too long and focused on the
wrong things.

Haha yes, John Basedow. The "fitness celebrity". I don't know what the hell a fitness celebrity is, but apparently that's what he calls himself.

Yeah That's a good angle, tho my camera right now sucks, so I'll look into borrowing a good one. Thanks for that tip.

And Red, thanks for the great tips. Gona do a re-write, though I have one gripe about suggestion #4, Where you say take out reasons for giving it away... Isn't is the reason "why" one of the most important aspects in copywriting??

Thanks

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BrianMcLeod

15 years ago

"Reason why" for an opt-in is not quite the same as "reason why" for a full sales presentation.

People inherently understand why you're collecting emails.... To follow up later and sell them on your course.

What do they get in exchange for that permission? That's the biggie...

Focus on THEM. More YOU, less I.

"When you leave your details below, you'll instantly receive _______"

matters far more to the reader than

"the reason I'm giving you this ____ is because...".

Make sense?

Brian

[ 1 ] Thanks

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Loren Woirhaye

15 years ago

The reason why Basedow came to mind is because he's
not a big guy, he looks like a regular person who is very
fit. You look kind of similar, not all pumped up but very
fit and capable. There is a big group of people who
just want to look and feel good, not get huge and
obsessive.

Thanks

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procopywriter

15 years ago

I don't like the "What Price Would You Pay..." approach. First, "price" and "pay" are a bad words as far as copy is concerned.

Second, you come off as somewhat sleazy, which isn't helped by the "Fit Jerk" moniker. PLEASE get rid of that. You want to create a connection with your readers, not put them off and make them think you're a jerk.

(Yes, it works for the "Rich Jerk" because there's so much humor mixed in and everyone knows it's sort of a joke. But it doesn't work for you. Sorry.)

I might would try a "Who Else" approach. Yes, it's a bit formulaic, but if you combine it with a bit of intrigue it could be very effective at getting people reading further. For example...

"Who Else Wants Rock-Hard Washboard Abs In Just 15 Minutes A Day?"

Or,

"Who Else Wants Rock-Hard Washboard Abs Using These 7 Easy Exercises You Can Do From Anywhere... At Anytime?"

Or something of the sort. I don't know what unique information you may be sharing, but if there is anything at all surprising or shocking about it, you should allude to it in the headline.

Thanks

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stanli

15 years ago

perhaps you're going for a wordplay on clean-and-jerk but it's too shot in the dark. Either camp it up or clean it up. Rich jerk is obnoxious to the point of ridiculous, which can work, but he also puts many people off with his conceit, both personally and as a metaphor in diction. I wouldn't recommend his approach.

Thanks

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FitJerk

15 years ago

Hmm... so a way to make it all about them, while throwing in humor to the point of ridiculousness.

The "FJ" approach is pretty simple... first of all it works, i just need to tinker with it till it works WELL. And i like it because it attracts the customers that actually put stuff into action...

I know my coaches were hard-asses... and that's what I needed. But this also delivered results.

Initially my marketing WAS at a different tone than my book... till a customer actually gave me the name "Fit Jerk". I assumed she was in IM. Anyways... it only made sense for my marketing to reflect the "no bs- straight to the point" tone of my book.

Ok enough history lessons... time to put what you all told me into action!
I've decided to tackle the head-line first. Here are a few I came up with.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

"Could It Really Be Possible That All This Time... Everything You've Been Told About Health & Fitness Was A Huge Lie?"

Unfortunately, The Answer Is "YES!"... The Reason Is Simple... If You're Held Back, Then You Will Continue To Seek Solutions From The Same Type Of People Who Sold You The Lie In The First Place

"Who Else Wants To Know About My 5 Secret Techniques That Will Cut Down Your Workout Time In Half While Doubling Your Results!"

And Here's The Real Kicker... These Techniques Work Whether You're Male Or Female, Beginner Or Advanced.

"The Unfortunate Truth Is That Most Men & Women Will Never Know The True Secrets To Losing Fat, Gaining Muscle, Boosting Energy & Looking Absolutely Ripped..."

But When You Sign Up For My Fitness Report... I'll Show You How To:

(Bullet Benefits)

...It's Time You Stopped Dreaming For A Body That You Want... And Actually DID Something About It!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Comments and/or modifications to these would be very welcome. Or a shake of the head if I need to hit up the drawing board once again. That's fine to... almost.

Tho in there somewhere should be a headline that should work well...

Thanks
1 reply

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J. Barry Mandel

15 years ago

Your new optin page does look a lot better, but it still needs work.

As far as the FJ moniker, I'm curious how you know that is "attracts customers that actually put stuff in action?"

It seems to me that this notion undercuts your profits since there will be people who buy but never try and as much as I'm sure you want your customers to put your stuff into action you'd like to see even more money in your Paypal account.

I'm sure you can come up with something even better that attracts more people since not too many people like dealing with a jerk in the first place.

For me I would not lead with " Certified Level 2 Gymnastics Coach" after FJ since if you are going primarily after customers who are men you are leading with the weakest credential that you have as seen from a male point of view.

Originally Posted by metalslug

The "FJ" approach is pretty simple... first of all it works, i just need to tinker with it till it works WELL. And i like it because it attracts the customers that actually put stuff into action...

Thanks
1 reply

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FitJerk

15 years ago

Originally Posted by Justin Mandel

Your new optin page does look a lot better, but it still needs work.

As far as the FJ moniker, I'm curious how you know that is "attracts customers that actually put stuff in action?"

It seems to me that this notion undercuts your profits since there will be people who buy but never try and as much as I'm sure you want your customers to put your stuff into action you'd like to see even more money in your Paypal account.

I know because I follow up with customers a week or two after, and MOST have incorporated at least 2 -3 techniques that were outlined in the book, and are seeing tangible results. Where as before... my book sales were weaker, and on top of that my inbox was was very.... shall we say BORING. I got like maybe one question per week.

Now I get 2-3 a day... just by putting my real personality on the line. When you write for the sake of "writing"... that sh*t shows man. There's something "fake" about it.

BUT... I WILL agree that more $$ is something that sounds nice. I'm sure there's a way to go about this without the FJ tone... I mean, I'll have to try REALLY hard not to fire off the truth at those that need to wake up and hear it. Where as now, I can pretty much tell it to them straight up.

I like to cut to the chase =)

And that's funny kcartlidge... because the bonus book that has techniques on how to avoid colds is something I put alot of time on to make sure it wasent some lame bonus that you USUALY get with other products lol. But I can kinda see where you're coming from.

My thinking is this... you can stay in shape and actively work at taking care of your body, but if you fall sick often... then you are going to be really de-motivated. Plus being sick robs your body of so many resources its not even funny.

I rarely get sick... which is why I can stay in shape year round without taking "time off"... but now I gota find a way to convey that to the customers.

Or... I think i just did. haha.

OK final note. I put up a WSO for warrior members... It's my entire book + the bonuses at more than 50% off.

I've got nothing but a positive response for this book and if you were looking to get in shape this year, why not check out this awesome deal.

If anything let me know how you feel about the copy.

http://www.warriorforum.com/warrior-...ome-proof.html

As for the OPT-IN page. I'm going to test this out and report back. I'm super excited about this page. Makes me tingle. Hopefully I can create a template of some of the best tactics and release it in a nice little .pdf and give it away. So those who are new, or just want to implement shit that converts well can do so.

Cheers.

Thanks

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RedPhoenix

15 years ago

Of the 3 the second one is the best, though it could be shortened to -
"Discover the 5 Secret Techniques That Will Cut Down Your Workout Time In Half And Improving Your Results 100%" ... Finally A Practical Way Of Achieving The Physique Of Your Dreams. And Here's The Real Kicker... These Techniques Work Whether You're Male Or Female, Beginner Or Advanced.

All the best.

Mike

Thanks

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"Excellence is not an event it's a habit" - Aristotle 384 BC

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coolhobo

15 years ago

Hi,

As I'm currently working hard at the gym to lose the extra weight I put on staying in front of my PC all the time I would view my self as a member of your target audience. I read through your optin page but I must admit I wouldn't sign up either.

Nothing about it gives me any strong reason as to why I should sign up to read your report.

Of your three new headlines I'd agree that the second on is the best but for me it's still not strong enough or rather not targetted enough for me to signup. For example most people I see at my gym fit in the out of shape and over weight and all want to look good naked. So with the second headline you could try something along the lines of

Who Else Wants To Know About My 5 Secret Techniques That Will Cut Down Your Workout In Half And Have you lose upto 14lbs in 7 Days Guaranteed.

or words to that effect. You'll be offering a stated measuarable goal which everyone can relate to, that grabs my attention much more.

Hope that helps somewhat

Byron

Thanks

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Kyle Tully

15 years ago

Originally Posted by metalslug

Would you plunk down your email to see what it's all about?

No one ever signs up "to see what it's all about".

People sign up to satisfy an itch.

An itch you give them with your copy.

The best way to get 'em itching? Bullets.

Blind, curiosity driven, benefit-laden bullets!

Brian hit the nail on the head:

"Reason why" for an opt-in is not quite the same as "reason why" for a full sales presentation.

You don't have to sell them on you. You don't have to sell them on your system. The only thing you need to sell them on is opting in.

And you do that by making 'em itch.

Other than that, your approach is off and the psychology is all wrong.

Get inside of your prospect's head and write to them, not your version of what you think they are.

Thanks

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Consulting Tycoon

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FitJerk

15 years ago

Awesome... alright so I'm pretty sure I took everything in and came up with THIS: Free Health Fitness Books & Fat Loss Report--Flawless Fitness System

It's got the bullets, the modified headline, the subhead and hopefully makes them "itch" right in the ass. =)

Let me know...

Thanks
1 reply

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Kyle Tully 15 years ago

Looks heaps better at first glace.

I'd start testing it and get a baseline for your conversions.

Then you can start messing with it -- playing with the layout and opt-in box location, testing more copy, testing less copy, adding and removing graphics etc.
- Thanks
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Consulting Tycoon
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FitJerk

15 years ago

Alright... So conversions are up 7%! Which is pretty sweet if I should say so myself. Any other ideas to improve? I know you said to play around with the Opt-In box, so maybe above the fold?

My question is... if conversions are up, people are obviously reading everything, hence going to the bottom of the page and signing up.

If I keep it above the fold, they will have to scroll back up... do you think this will work against me?

Thanks
1 reply

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Kyle Tully 15 years ago

Put 2 opt-in boxes

1 top right.

1 at the bottom.
- Thanks
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needitwewriteit

15 years ago

You guys gave him some real solid advice...im impressed at the suggestions here. Hope everything works out with your endeavors metal slug

-needitwewriteit

Thanks
1 reply

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FitJerk

15 years ago

Originally Posted by needitwewriteit

You guys gave him some real solid advice...im impressed at the suggestions here. Hope everything works out with your endeavors metal slug

-needitwewriteit

Yes they did... do all of you accept hugs? I think we need to group hug. lol

I learnt some even more valuable lessons... if you guys have opt-in pages you MUST do this immediately. Unless you want to keep your opt in rate pathetic.

I can't believe I didn't think of this before. Actually it's two things. First, the opt-in above the fold... yeah it works. The opt-in didn't spike as crazy as the gurus would have you believe (jumped 2% Vs. my previous below-the fold box)

BUT... THIS ONE is the kicker.

A TESTIMONIAL about your report that you're giving away under the opt-in box + time tick down clock with a warning to prompt a solid call for action.

This gave me a 6% bump so far. I can't give you a solid average since its only been like 2 days but if this keeps up... (and I think it will), then I'm in for a good time.

Next up is Video or Audio from me. I've heard they give you a nice boost as well... so that's what's coming up. I'll keep all of you posted.

Thanks
1 reply

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colmodwyer

15 years ago

Certified Level 2 Gymnastics Coach

This popped at me. Quite a lot of folks watch the Olympics, and the most muscular, ripped guys there are gymnasts. Everyone knows that. So something like...

"How To Build A Body like A Male Gymnast!"

"Who Else Wants A Body like A Male Gymnast?"

Might resonate really well I think. It's kind of like "Speak Spanish Like A Diplomat!" (an uber-successful print ad)

Also, I don't have mental image of a gymnast working out really hard in a gym, pumping iron 24/7. And I reckon most folks won't. So there's a curiosity element to play with there too. Plus the suggested benefit that Mr. Prospect won't have to exercise too hard.

One last thing, your photo in the header looks like it's a stock image. I think you could quickly add credibility by taking one or two more "amateur" looking photographs.

Colm

Thanks
1 reply

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FitJerk

15 years ago

Originally Posted by colmodwyer

This popped at me. Quite a lot of folks watch the Olympics, and the most muscular, ripped guys there are gymnasts. Everyone knows that. So something like...

"How To Build A Body like A Male Gymnast!"

"Who Else Wants A Body like A Male Gymnast?"

Might resonate really well I think. It's kind of like "Speak Spanish Like A Diplomat!" (an uber-successful print ad)

Also, I don't have mental image of a gymnast working out really hard in a gym, pumping iron 24/7. And I reckon most folks won't. So there's a curiosity element to play with there too. Plus the suggested benefit that Mr. Prospect won't have to exercise too hard.

One last thing, your photo in the header looks like it's a stock image. I think you could quickly add credibility by taking one or two more "amateur" looking photographs.

Colm

I DO actually have about 3-4 more pics... one example being my avatar. I tried diff angles and such... then put up the sexiest one

Haha, but I'd like to know where you were going with that. Do you think I should use them IN my opt in page... or maybe even on my sales pages that follow?

Thanks

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coolhobo

15 years ago

Hi,

Like the new opt-in page, much better than previous. One thing, the image showing the site is secured with SSL, your site isn't using SSL and personally I don't think it needs to be. Also do you actually plan to charge for the report after the time runs out?

Byron

Thanks

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Bigsofty

15 years ago

John Carlton has an article somewhere on the very topic of not being afraid to inject real personality into your writing.

It sums it up that just a moment ago I checked my spam folder and saw something that looked copywriting related. Opened it, starting reading some dull droning about.. well I forget what but it was boring, and the point I was making is this - I couldn't remember who this guy was. I wasn't even sure if he was writing about copywriting or not. I just deleted it and came here instead

Do you want to be Mr Forgettable or someone they'll remember? I'm sure the guy I just deleted was nice but nice doesn't cut through the noise.

B.

Thanks
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FitJerk

15 years ago

Originally Posted by Bigsofty

John Carlton has an article somewhere on the very topic of not being afraid to inject real personality into your writing.

It sums it up that just a moment ago I checked my spam folder and saw something that looked copywriting related. Opened it, starting reading some dull droning about.. well I forget what but it was boring, and the point I was making is this - I couldn't remember who this guy was. I wasn't even sure if he was writing about copywriting or not. I just deleted it and came here instead

Do you want to be Mr Forgettable or someone they'll remember? I'm sure the guy I just deleted was nice but nice doesn't cut through the noise.

B.

Exactly, see he get's it =)... Your words need to grab your prospect and shake them half to death.

Why do you think people recommend "shocking", "funny" or "controversial" videos on YouTube to get high views? Because it's out of the ordinary... yo!

And Onslaught, P90 has it's place. Its one of the better "infomercial" products out there... but it also does a lot of things wrong. For example... 8-10 reps for muscle hypertrophy for EVERYONE? ...NOT!

That only works if your body has a majority of fast-twitch muscle fibers.

They take a shot-gun approach to fitness. BUT... at least they change up their routine every now and then.

My current case-study just lost 3.5 lbs and 1inch of her waist in ONE WEEK. And she's scheduled to go on for a total of 9. Just thought I'd share.

By the way Bigsofty, do you have that email from Carlton? If so I'd like a copy of it. If you can PM it to me that would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

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shocs

15 years ago

"What price would you pay". Never use the "pay" word when selling something, I'd rather use "invest", "investment".

Thanks

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RandyW32

15 years ago

Very good! Keep up the good work

Thanks

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Love To Deal

Banned 15 years ago

[DELETED]

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FitJerk 15 years ago

Originally Posted by Love To Deal

It looks like a winner. Keep it up.

Thanks, yeah it's doing much better. Still seems crazy when I look back to see what I had, to what I have now.

And I also ended up updating the Fitness Report itself. Actually here's a little tip, my opt-in was doing so well that I started to get a few emails from people thinking that the "report" WAS what my website was all about.

They were slightly confused when I pitched them the full book after in emails and in the sales page after. So, I had a little talk with a friend and decided to call it a MINI-COURSE, and to do that, I added new content to the "fitness report" itself.

And lo-behold... those annoying emails stopped. Now people KNOW what to expect... "Mini-Course"... means they get a little snippet of the action. So those who are giving away "reports", you might want to play around with the verbage.

>> For those that helped me out here, or any other Warriors that are into fitness or want to be, PM me and I'll send you the report, no Opt-In required. I give away some pretty killer content so it should help you out. Just make sure you send some feedback.

One last thing... for anyone reading this, all techniques I applied to get my Opt-In rate to 27% are in a report I wrote up and more. Follow my sig. It's FREE and NO OPT-IN REQUIRED.Should help out a few chumps like me

Alright that's about it. Major thanks to everyone, and Good luck to ya all. Keep kickin' ass!

-FJ
- Thanks
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