Feedback on this headline?

20 replies
Hi, just thought I'd share this. Would love some feedback from any copywriters about this headline for my new mobile marketing wso. Does this headline get your attention?

The Biggest No Brainer Approach You'll Ever See To Landing New Mobile Clients Effortlessly...

'Done For You' Video Promo Strategies That FORCE Clients To Pay YOU!"


Or maybe :

"Discover These Expert Video Promo Strategies That FORCE Clients To Pay YOU!"
#feedback #headline
  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Waaaaay too long. Stop at 'Services' and you might have something. Good luck.
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    • Profile picture of the author Jonathan 2.0
      Banned
      Originally Posted by travlinguy View Post

      Waaaaay too long. Stop at 'Services' and you might have something. Good luck.
      I'm not sure whether long headlines work or not. For instance John Carlton's webpage has a very long headline.

      John Carlton's Simple Writing System - Copywriting Course

      Or is there something else going on?
      Signature
      "Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
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      • Profile picture of the author Jonny Mulroy
        Originally Posted by Jonathan 2.0 View Post

        I'm not sure whether long headlines work or not. For instance John Carlton's webpage has a very long headline.

        John Carlton's Simple Writing System - Copywriting Course

        Or is there something else going on?
        Hey Jonathan, Interesting point about JC, would be interested to get that course.
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        • Profile picture of the author Jonathan 2.0
          Banned
          Originally Posted by Jonny Mulroy View Post

          Hey Jonathan, Interesting point about JC, would be interested to get that course.
          Yeah, looks grand. : ) I was thinking that because it's for Copywriters (etc.) they'd be more interested in reading the headlines.
          Signature
          "Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
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          • Profile picture of the author Jonny Mulroy
            Originally Posted by Jonathan 2.0 View Post

            Yeah, looks grand. : ) I was thinking that because it's for Copywriters (etc.) they'd be more interested in reading the headlines.
            Yeah good point. Well, I'm no copywriter and I'd be interested in looking into it!
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  • Profile picture of the author Jonny Mulroy
    Thanks for the feedback, definitely needs shortening down.

    Just need to decide If I should start with discover or steal...
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  • Profile picture of the author chrisChandra
    Yeah I agree, I feel like the headline doesn't have gravity. Too much reading
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    • Profile picture of the author jimmymc
      Reads a little vague to me..."Done for you" what does that mean... a service?
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      • Profile picture of the author Aurora Bourke
        The Biggest No Brainer Approach You'll Ever See To Landing New Mobile Clients Effortlessly...

        These 'Done For You' Video Promos
        Will FORCE Clients To Want
        YOUR Services!

        OR

        'Done For You' Video Promo Strategies
        That FORCE Clients To Want
        YOUR Services!

        How do these sound?
        Assuming that your WSO will include the videos, I suggest losing 'Strategies'.

        Hope this helps
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        • Profile picture of the author Aurora Bourke
          Oops! I forgot this bit

          Smart Marketers Are Set To Profit Wildly In 2012 With The New Offline GoldMine.....Mobile Marketing!
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        • Profile picture of the author Jonny Mulroy
          Originally Posted by Aurora Kate View Post

          The Biggest No Brainer Approach You'll Ever See To Landing New Mobile Clients Effortlessly...

          These 'Done For You' Video Promos
          Will FORCE Clients To Want
          YOUR Services!

          OR

          'Done For You' Video Promo Strategies
          That FORCE Clients To Want
          YOUR Services!

          How do these sound?
          Assuming that your WSO will include the videos, I suggest losing 'Strategies'.

          Hope this helps
          Thanks for that, yes it includes the videos. I think I prefer your second one.
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      • Profile picture of the author Jonny Mulroy
        Originally Posted by jimmymc View Post

        Reads a little vague to me..."Done for you" what does that mean... a service?
        'Done for you' means the video promos have been done, it's not a service, it's a client getting strategy.
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  • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
    Here's what we know about your offer:

    1) It's about mobile marketing
    2) It's for a WSO to the offline crowd

    If you want meaningful help, more information is necessary.

    Stringing a few jet-powered words together in an attempt to sound "copywritery" is assuredly not your best path forward.

    What's new/different/possible now that you're on the scene?
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    • Profile picture of the author Jonny Mulroy
      Originally Posted by BrianMcLeod View Post

      Here's what we know about your offer:

      1) It's about mobile marketing
      2) It's for a WSO to the offline crowd

      If you want meaningful help, more information is necessary.

      Stringing a few jet-powered words together in an attempt to sound "copywritery" is assuredly not your best path forward.

      What's new/different/possible now that you're on the scene?
      Hi Brian,

      Well your exactly right in the fact that this is a WSO to the offline crowd about Mobile marketing so I guess I'm on the right tracks

      As long as that headline get the attention then it's off to a good start.

      The headline is then followed by a personal video from me so I guess this addresses the new/different/possible.
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  • Profile picture of the author abugah
    What exactly is it all about? I don't get it on first reading. Shorten it, be more specific straight to the point.

    How about this...

    At last!
    Top Experts Reveal A Breakthrough Strategy
    For Getting Top Shelf Mobile Marketing Clients

    Subhead-One guy I know who used this landed two $45,000 contracts in just two weeks.
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    • Profile picture of the author Jonny Mulroy
      Originally Posted by abugah View Post

      What exactly is it all about? I don't get it on first reading. Shorten it, be more specific straight to the point.

      How about this...

      At last!
      Top Experts Reveal A Breakthrough Strategy
      For Getting Top Shelf Mobile Marketing Clients

      Subhead-One guy I know who used this landed two $45,000 contracts in just two weeks.
      Its a Mobile marketing product that uses a video promo to land the clients, no cold calling or hard selling. Also with 85% success rate of landing the client once they have made contact.

      I do like your example actually so I'll think about changing it to suit that.

      Based on the information you have now how would you change the headline?

      Cheers.
      Jonny
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      • Profile picture of the author Centurian
        Jonny,

        I would focus on the result of your offer, rather than the strategy. You are offering a turn-key system that produces results. Apply the system. Get the result. If need be, tweak the system so it does this.

        Example:

        "Generate $50,000 from Just 10 Clients with Our Turn-Key Mobile Marketing System for Only $27!
        Jonny Mulroy Landed Two $45,000 Contracts in Just 2 Weeks!"

        You could also use a higher price than $27 in your headline. Then say "you're not going to pay $47. Today, get it for only...."

        Derrick
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        • Profile picture of the author Jonny Mulroy
          Originally Posted by Centurian View Post

          Jonny,

          I would focus on the result of your offer, rather than the strategy. You are offering a turn-key system that produces results. Apply the system. Get the result. If need be, tweak the system so it does this.

          Example:

          "Generate $50,000 from Just 10 Clients with Our Turn-Key Mobile Marketing System for Only $27!
          Jonny Mulroy Landed Two $45,000 Contracts in Just 2 Weeks!"

          You could also use a higher price than $27 in your headline. Then say "you're not going to pay $47. Today, get it for only...."

          Derrick
          Hi Derrick,

          Yes I see your point.

          Will be making changes now. Gotta get this thing launched asap!

          Jonny
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