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F*** it: Would you mind reviewing my homepage copy? (I'll even do ya a favor.)

by NickN
46 replies
I'm kind of a new copywriter. Just "kind of" because I have written some stuff for one or two reputable businesses. But still, I would consider myself a greenhorn.

I'm a little sensitive when it comes to my writing. It feels personal when (qualified) people criticize it.

A few months ago, I wrote a radio ad for a grocery store. The marketing director thought it was too much like another company's campaign and told me to rewrite it.

I wanted to punch a hole in my computer screen. And cry. At the same time. (I did neither.)

But I know I need a thick skin to make it as a copywriter.

So I figured what better place to get a thorough critique of my work than the Warrior Copywriting Forum? Toughen me up a bit, I figure.

So you would be doing me a solid if you took a look at my homepage copy. Tell me what I'm doing right, what sucks...and so on.

The copy definitely ain't perfect. And I'm having a graphic designer friend of mine redesign my website, so the layout is going to change eventually.

In return for the critique, you can ask me a favor. Proofread some stuff. Write some stuff. Promote some stuff. Whatevs.

You're probably saying, "Whoop-dee-freakin'-doo. I don't need nothin' from a newb."

And you're probably right. But I'm throwing out the offer, anyway.

Here is my site: w w w. nick nordstrom . c o m

No spaces, obviously.

Thanks in advance.
#copy #favor #homepage #mind #reviewing
  • Profile picture of the author KingOfContentMarketing
    I'd put the testimonial at the bottom into the body and add a few more.
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    Marketing is not a battle of products. It is a battle of perceptions.
    - Jack Trout
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  • Profile picture of the author Bruce Wedding
    Nick,

    You've got the right idea but the 60,000 customer thing doesn't resonate with me. I found it unbelievable and unimportant. It was distracting because I started trying to figure out how you could do it. I know you explain it further down but I had already stopped reading and started doing math in my head. Then I figured you must have been a cashier at Walmart. Seriously.

    You can use that later in your letter, but you need a better hook. One that hits the client's pain point. He wants your copy to SELL.
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    • Profile picture of the author Irish Intuition
      [DELETED]
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      • Profile picture of the author Azarna
        Firstly, I do like the conversational tone on the site. You sound friendly and fun.

        The 60K bit has to go, I also was immediately put off by this.

        I always associate underlined things as being links, this is rather a web standard, so perhaps all the underlining is a bit potentially confusing? (and harder to read than bolding or italics too)

        I certainly wouldn't pay you $37 a page to proofread when your website has quite a few typos and grammatical errors - for example (two examples in one):

        "I'm able to keep my overhead low, so I can afford keep my prices low."
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        • Profile picture of the author NickN
          Originally Posted by Azarna View Post

          Firstly, I do like the conversational tone on the site. You sound friendly and fun.

          The 60K bit has to go, I also was immediately put off by this.

          I always associate underlined things as being links, this is rather a web standard, so perhaps all the underlining is a bit potentially confusing? (and harder to read than bolding or italics too)

          I certainly wouldn't pay you $37 a page to proofread when your website has quite a few typos and grammatical errors - for example (two examples in one):

          "I'm able to keep my overhead low, so I can afford keep my prices low."
          Yikes. Well, ain't that embarrassing.

          What if I told you I intentionally placed those errors there? You know, to keep readers on their toes.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    I had to read and reread your headline before it made sense to me, but after completely understanding it, I still don't resonate with the message.

    I get that you're trying to inject some sense of social proof from the get-go; it just seems so arbitrary.

    Do mean you've physically talked with over 60,000 people?

    Or do you mean your copy talked to 60,000 people?

    How do you know it was 60,000?

    Why so little?

    What stopped you from reaching more than 60,000?

    Out of those 60,000 people, how many of them did you sell something to?

    Then repeating it in your opening copy nullifies the more impactful message of seeing prospects as people.

    Just let the whole 60,000 people thing go. I see you also put it in your About Page. I mean, if you're going to use that stat at all, put it in a post script or somewhere less conspicuous.

    And then there's your introduction:

    "I'm Nick Nordstrom -- freelance copywriter and marketing consultant. Also the copywriter mentioned in the above headline and bullet points. (You probably knew that, though, right?)"

    Ouch! This made me absolutely cringe.

    Take it out. Don't try to rewrite it. Just pretend it never existed!

    Next...

    You're making yourself sound WAY too reachable or available.

    If I'm an already successful entrepreneur looking for someone to sell my new, amazing, one-of-a-kind widget, I want a copywriter who sounds confident and successful.

    If you're telling me I can essentially rape you of your availability (i.e. reach you anytime,) I'm thinking to myself, "this is OBVIOUSLY someone who isn't very successful or prominent in the copywriting industry... NEXT!"

    My advice:

    Eliminate every aspect of your copy that makes it seem like I can make you my b!tch and start using that space for copy that makes ME need to QUALIFY to hire you!

    Otherwise...

    ...You're going to attract a lot of wannapreneurs who think $200 is a steep investment to make in a copywriter and waste your time with their ineptitude.

    You want clients who bring value to the table so you can SELL products and services that have genuine benefits.

    The copy you have right now will ONLY attract the bottom feeders who know nothing about copy that converts, nor how to drive traffic and authentically test your work.

    Lastly, how do you take control, manage and organize a project?

    How do you extract all the necessary information out of your clients to ensure you're representing their product or service as closely as you possibly can?

    Spell it out for them.

    Let them know you're different by packaging yourself in a way that organically separates your skills from the rest of the pack.

    Oh, and one more thing:

    Make the copy WAY more conversational.

    I can tell you have some personality.

    But it ain't coming through.

    Talk to me.

    Don't just try and blatantly sell me.

    One more last thing (really the last thing!):

    Make your About page tell a story.

    It's so bland!

    I get ZERO sense about who you are.

    If you want clients to feel drawn SPECIFICALLY to YOU, they need to grasp who you are through your copy FIRST!

    So what do I get? ;-)
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    Do you want a 9 figure copywriter and biz owner to Write With You? I'll work with you, on zoom, to help write your copy or client copy... while you learn from one of the few copywriters to legit hit 9 figures in gross sales! Discover More

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    • Profile picture of the author Adryenn
      What about sales? If you want to charge $37 to proofread a page, when a top notch book copy editor charges $7 per page, then you need to qualify why your copy converts.

      When I read that you had worked directly with the public, I swear I pictured you in a mickey mouse costume at Disneyland, then figured it'd be way more than 60,000 so it had to be a grocery store... was it?

      All I care about is that you can write copy that will sound like me (do you have a fiction background and can write characters?) that will generate overwhelming need in my customers to buy whatever I am selling.

      And I don't want someone who is going to be at my beck and call. I want a professional who gets the job done on time (or early) so that am not stressed and working til 2am.

      And I need to know conversion. Those places, did you track the business your ads generated? Dollars always help.

      And testimonials. Put some higher up on the sales page, not buried on the Testimonials page. Because frankly, that font is so small I can't read it and I'm not old, but you're making me feel old by making me increase the view size on my screen. Strike one and I haven't even started reading.

      Also, you are a cute adorable guy. Don't bury that picture. Put yourself in the header so I know who I'm talking to (even if it is in my head).

      Best of luck, a good start, but a ways to go.
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      Adryenn Ashley - , Wow! Is Me, http://www.wowisme.net

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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Your headline is weak. What power is there in having "talked" to people? Who cares? Get to the point. People want to know how much you're going to make for them. Overall, this page comes across like you're a newbie trying to break in. You may be just that but the potential customer shouldn't know it.

    Another thing, hit the freakin space bar after using an ellipsis. Good luck.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    By the way, your pricing doesn't make sense to me.

    You charge up to $500 for a radio advert (15, 30, 60 second spots I assume,) yet only charge up to $800 for a sales letter?

    I understand these are just general prices.

    But man, that's an interesting pricing schedule.

    Honestly, I would take the prices off your site completely and just quote per project.

    I think you're shooting yourself in the foot.

    Or put a new client special instead... I don't know...

    ...The prices (or requests for investment) just seem off to me.
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    • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
      Hi Nick,

      2 quick points.

      The layout is a bit jammed up and difficult to read - so space it out.

      It's fine to take the "mickey" out of yourself - a little bit - it shows a good sense of humor.

      But don't overdo it.

      If you're too self disparaging - it'll put clients off because they won't have confidence in you.

      As copywriters we have to prove to the clients that we are without any doubt the "go to" people - who get the results.

      We have the knowledge, expertise and success in achieving the highest possible response for ads, sales letters, promo's, websites - everything.

      No question about it.

      It's what we do - and it's what the clients want to hear.


      Steve
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      http://www.warriorforum.com/warriors...right-now.html
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    You asked for it so I'm gonna give it to you straight. Kill yourself. Go jump off a cliff right now. Your writing is terrible. Atrocious. Straight out of the School of No Idea.

    OK. You got over the shock now? You want to be a writer? Or you want to be what you think is a writer. Let's just have a look at two examples. The first one you say "I think I did that pretty damn well". Here it is -
    Have questions about Beer, Wine or Liquor?
    Whether you are entertaining, gift giving or just
    indulging for yourself, the Busch's Beverage
    Consultants can help you choose the perfect
    drink for any occasion.
    Know what that reminds me of Dude? A hokey ad from the Drive-In circa 1962. It's excruciatingly bad. If you were writing that for a comedy piece on - I dunno - "Family Guy" or something - it would be hysterical. But you're not. You're seriously dishing up this bilge for a grocery store's wine department.

    Let's have a look at a 60 second radio spot for the same store - Radio copy is something I know more than a little about
    You leave work. You’re in your car, unwinding while thinking about who’s being voted off your favorite TV show tonight. Then you realize you have to make dinner for the family…and your kitchen shelves are emptier than Old Mother Hubbard’s cupboards after a weekend visit from her grandkids.
    You speed to the nearest supermarket and fling the first package of beef you see into your shopping cart.
    Big mistake. The beef is lean. It’s dry. It’s chewier than gum, but not as fun because you can’t blow bubbles with it.
    Shoulda went to Busch’s Fresh Food Market. They sell only USDA Choice and Premium beef. That means that, no matter which package of beef you throw in your cart, it’s going to be tender and juicy.
    If you’re feeling extra healthy, try Busch’s Open Prairie Natural Angus. It’s 100% antibiotic- and hormone-free, and it comes from livestock that’s fed an all-vegetarian diet.
    And if you’re a pork person, try Busch’s All Natural pork. It’s minimally processed and contains no added salt or water. So you get lots of taste without the extra – uh, let’s call it “weird stuff” – that some retailers put in their pork.
    Busch’s Fresh Food Market: Choose your meat wisely.
    It's over time for starters. What else? Watch my lips - B-O-R-I-N-G. Absolute snore fest. Radio spots should be "theater of the mind". You start this pitch with some lame scenario of the listener not having something to cook for dinner. And then suggest they pick up some beef from Busch's. Where is this Busch's anyway? Is this for a small town where everyone knows? Or should you be telling us "where to get it"? So you suggest a couple of meat cuts and then you tag it with "Choose your meat wisely". Are there any SFXs? Is this a straight read or a character voice? Male or female read? What age? All this stuff is important. Best thing I can do is re-write the sucker for you. Hang on...I'll be back in 20 minutes. (I once knocked out twenty two 30 second spots in a day - all "character reads")

    Like this -

    * Two stoned hippies at the Food Market. We hear a female cashier P.A. announcement like "Can I have a pricecheck on "Durex Over-Sized Condoms Party Pack"...on checkout 2"



    First Hippie: Oh wow man – look at that (reads) - “Buschs Open Prairie Natural Angus. 100% antibiotic and hormone-free. From livestock thats fed an all-vegetarian diet”


    Oh and look at this one man - “Busch's All-Natural Pork. Minimally processed. Contains no salt or water”. Cool!


    Second Hippie: Dude – we're vegetarian - we don't eat meat.


    First Hippie: Yeah man but this Busch's Premium meat sounds so cool I wanna eat it. Its like Free-Range man – and that can't be bad.


    Second Hippie: well we do have the band coming over for practice...I suppose we could have a cook-out.


    First Hippie: Oh man...I feel a song coming on


    sings: ♫Oh yeah - Busch's Open Prairie Natural Angus. I'm free! Free from all the bad ju-ju. Home on the range.


    Second Hippie: you left out the All-Natural Pork, man.




    V.O. : Busch's – just off the interstate – open 7 'til 7.


    Open-Prairie Beef. All-Natural Pork. Free from all the bad ju-ju, man.




    See what I've done at the beginning? SFX (Sound Effects) of those announcements you hear at the supermarket. Maybe even with a bit of static at the beginning. The old TV show M.A.S.H. used to do that pretty much at the start of every episode, as I recall. It makes people stop and listen. Then you cut to the chase. Other great starters are Ticking Clocks and Somebody Whispering. You might thank me for these tips one day.
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  • Profile picture of the author TheRealFade
    I didn't feel sold, nothing was sensational.

    HOW will this improve my business and WHY should i hire you.

    what are your exact past results?

    also could use a P.S. and a call to action.


    just my humble opinion.
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Mal ain't quite the Nazi he pretends to be... I hope

    See, there's a story going 'round professional circles. It's been out there for decades, maybe centuries. You'll hear the same yarn spun a bit differently depending on the profession. But the message is the same. I first heard this about an opera singer. Here's the short version.

    There was this young chick who wanted to be an opera singer. She had some raw talent and sang whenever she could. But she knew she needed help so she saved up her pennies and one day went on a journey to visit the grand queen of opera. She wanted to study under this virtuoso. And the day arrived when she was able to audition.

    And the grand queen barely looked at this girl as she finished her demonstration and immediately dismissed her abruptly commenting that she should forget singing and become a cleaning lady.

    The girl was disheartened but continued practicing. And the following year she returned to the queen to once again try and become her student. And again, the queen rudely dismissed her.

    This went on for seven years. Each year the queen was more rude and abrupt than the year before.

    And then, after her eighth try, the queen said that she'd take the young girl on as a student. And with tears in her eyes the lass expressed gratitude. She later asked the queen why she had been so cold in the past. The queen told her that if she was able to persevere and stay with it after all the ridicule, that maybe she had a chance of becoming great. But if she simply walked away and never tried again, it was a certainty that she didn't want her dream badly enough.

    Haven't we all been there? If you want it bad enough, stay the course.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    There's been quite a bit of energy expended on behalf of Nick.

    I want my favor!

    Normally I wouldn't even mention it because it's seemingly always a waste of my time, but I want to see some exchange of energy for the gobs of feedback Nick received.

    Lookie here... I have an auxiliary blog-based website I developed today for a company trying to rise above its horrible copy on its main web presence: The Kashmir Company Shawl Blog | Exquisite Craftmanship from an Epic Land

    I want a blurb for the sidebar on the actual blog pages that make shoppers want to jump back over to the main site to spend some money.

    You down Nick?

    Don;t mean to come across like a d!ick, but...
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    Do you want a 9 figure copywriter and biz owner to Write With You? I'll work with you, on zoom, to help write your copy or client copy... while you learn from one of the few copywriters to legit hit 9 figures in gross sales! Discover More

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  • Profile picture of the author MoneyMagnetMagnate
    I have to be honest Nick - I'm not buying the 60,000 customers thing at all...

    It gets better after that, but they might not get there - maybe a re-write on the way you can turn 8yrs - 60k feedback into building a solid sales relationship... the ol' bullet points -

    There is some good feedback above, and you have a some good things to work with -

    Best of Success
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  • Profile picture of the author Amod Oke
    Maybe I am a bit more of a visual person, but seriously do change the background color, the dull gray isn't at all inspiring.

    Oh and also, after the "..." and "-", leave a space.
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  • Profile picture of the author awddude
    The number of years I worked with the public x the number of people I talked to in a day = over 60,000 consumers.
    You said you worked with the public for 8 years.

    8 X ___ = 60,000

    You would have to talk to 7500 people every day. And listen to them - if you want your equation to make sense. That's like two people a minute I think.

    I know I know, you meant your equation to be

    Number of Years you worked X Number of people you talk to in a year not a day. I get that, and most smart people should understand what you are trying to do. But as it stands the equation doesn't make sense without having to deduce what you're doing ourselves. Might as well change the wording and cut straight to the chase.

    Secondly, add graphics. You can look at advertisements from any age and see that photos work best. A pretty girl looking at you or something... even just a logo. But you really need some images for the emotional control. Quality pictures will also reflect on the quality of your offer.
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  • Profile picture of the author jannatus
    Nick,

    Firstly, your headline does not kick butt. Reach out to them in a way that tells them of a benefit to THEM. It's always always always about them them them !!!

    If you want to use a third party type call-out headline, do something that will benefit them or help THEM in their struggling, challenging, tedious lives.

    For eg:

    "Savvy Top-Gun Copywriter Reveals:
    How To Rake In Sky-Rocket Profitable Sales
    In YOUR Business Immediately
    Through Proven Secret Winning Formula
    - Guaranteed!"

    Of course, i'm just shooting from the hip there, but I'm sure u get the jist!

    I'd do a pre-head and sub-head.

    Capitalize first letter of each word in your heading.

    Need a strong first paragraph (or) stronger intro points, which need to ask or address the burning, painful, most frustrating issues your prospect is experiencing in his or their lives.

    Aggravate the problems further.

    Address the solution.

    Demonstrate your credibilty later in the copy as opposed to where u have it. It CAN be done early in copy but it has to be SUPER COOTA CREDIBLE "AND" REAL.

    After your "what's in this for me", talk about the benefits. You are talking more features than benefits. For eg; what will professional copy do for him? It will in effect mean more eyeballs on his website, saving him other advertising costs, more orders, increased profits, more free time, healthier living etc.

    Build up value before releasing your price. For eg; 'what would it cost you in xxx to not have this priviledge? Let's start with xxx'

    Hope this helps !
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    • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
      Banned
      Originally Posted by jannatus View Post


      "Savvy Top-Gun Copywriter Reveals:
      How To Rake In Sky-Rocket Profitable Sales
      In YOUR Business Immediately
      Through Proven Secret Winning Formula
      - Guaranteed!"



      Capitalize first letter of each word in your heading.
      Lower case reads better. And that head is too long.

      "Top-gun copywriter reveals...


      how to sky-rocket your sales
      starting today!

      with a kick-butt winning formula

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  • Profile picture of the author NickN
    Thanks for the info, guys. Sorry, I have literally had NO time since I posted this. I will respond to everyone a little bit later today.
    Signature

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    • Profile picture of the author NickN
      OK, I only cried a little after reading your harsh -- but honest -- criticisms.

      I'll try to tackle some of these comments.

      Joe

      I'd put the testimonial at the bottom into the body and add a few more.
      Sadly, that's the only testimonial I have. I haven't worked with a lot of companies.

      Bruce

      Advice about the talking-to-60,000-customers thing
      Haha, you're a little too on the money with the cashier thing.

      I figured such a high number would stop readers in their tracks. I mean, it is true -- during my time in retail, I did talk to that many people. But I never thought of it your way. The number is too astronomical for anyone to believe.

      Reflection Marketing

      You're making yourself sound WAY too reachable or available.

      If I'm an already successful entrepreneur looking for someone to sell my new, amazing, one-of-a-kind widget, I want a copywriter who sounds confident and successful.

      If you're telling me I can essentially rape you of your availability (i.e. reach you anytime,) I'm thinking to myself, "this is OBVIOUSLY someone who isn't very successful or prominent in the copywriting industry... NEXT!"
      I suppose the problem is that I'm neither confident or nor successful -- but I see your point. Bob Bly recently touched on this in one of his emails. If you're available any time, it probably means you don't have much business.

      My advice:

      Eliminate every aspect of your copy that makes it seem like I can make you my b!tch and start using that space for copy that makes ME need to QUALIFY to hire you!

      Otherwise...

      ...You're going to attract a lot of wannapreneurs who think $200 is a steep investment to make in a copywriter and waste your time with their ineptitude.

      You want clients who bring value to the table so you can SELL products and services that have genuine benefits.

      The copy you have right now will ONLY attract the bottom feeders who know nothing about copy that converts, nor how to drive traffic and authentically test your work.
      It doesn't seem like a lot of copywriters offer "rush" projects, so I was trying to separate myself with the "available at any time' angle.

      But you're right -- I'm setting myself up to be a whipping boy for clients who want a lot for a little. I figured the only way to get a start in this business was to be a "bitch" for awhile, though.


      Make the copy WAY more conversational.

      I can tell you have some personality.

      But it ain't coming through.

      Talk to me.

      Don't just try and blatantly sell me.

      One more last thing (really the last thing!):

      Make your About page tell a story.

      It's so bland!
      Yeah, when I read the copy, I think, "I'm not the dude who wrote that."

      Truthfully, I like a more casual writing-style. But my fear is serious clients won't.

      Say a potential client is reading my homepage copy. She's thinking of hiring me, then -BAM- she sees I used "****" or "gonna" or "ain't" in my copy. "Well, I'm not hiring him," she says.

      I'm not saying I would use those words. But that's more of my style.

      By the way, your pricing doesn't make sense to me.

      You charge up to $500 for a radio advert (15, 30, 60 second spots I assume,) yet only charge up to $800 for a sales letter?

      I understand these are just general prices.

      But man, that's an interesting pricing schedule.

      Honestly, I would take the prices off your site completely and just quote per project.

      I think you're shooting yourself in the foot.

      Or put a new client special instead... I don't know...

      ...The prices (or requests for investment) just seem off to me.
      I have a hard time with pricing my stuff. I'm not sure what the standards are for various projects, and I don't feel like I should be charging industry standards right now, anyway. (Especially since my copy is so bad that I should drive to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and jump off the Mackinac Bridge. )

      I've read that listing your prices can cause you some trouble. But I've also read that prospects are more likely to buy when there's a price attached.

      There's been quite a bit of energy expended on behalf of Nick.

      I want my favor!

      Normally I wouldn't even mention it because it's seemingly always a waste of my time, but I want to see some exchange of energy for the gobs of feedback Nick received.


      I want a blurb for the sidebar on the actual blog pages that make shoppers want to jump back over to the main site to spend some money.

      You down Nick?
      Haha, I'm down. I really do appreciate everyone taking the time to critique my copy (and crush my soul in the process.)

      I'm not promising what I write will be any good, though. It seems I still have a lot to learn.

      MoneyMagnetMagnate

      I have to be honest Nick - I'm not buying the 60,000 customers thing at all...

      It gets better after that, but they might not get there - maybe a re-write on the way you can turn 8yrs - 60k feedback into building a solid sales relationship... the ol' bullet points -

      There is some good feedback above, and you have a some good things to work with -
      Hey, thanks for the semi-compliment!

      Steve Copywriter
      The layout is a bit jammed up and difficult to read - so space it out.

      It's fine to take the "mickey" out of yourself - a little bit - it shows a good sense of humor.

      But don't overdo it.

      If you're too self disparaging - it'll put clients off because they won't have confidence in you.
      Yeah, I am having my graphic designer buddy redo the site. I'm having a damned of a time trying to format my site the way I like.

      And there's just something about self-deprecation I love. But you and my girlfriend are right -- I do go overboard sometimes.

      The Copy Nazi
      Kill yourself. Go jump off a cliff right now. Your writing is terrible. Atrocious. Straight out of the School of No Idea.
      I chuckled to myself when I read that. Mind if I use this as a testimonial?

      For a second, I thought about being offended. But understand what you're trying to do. So thanks!

      Know what that reminds me of Dude? A hokey ad from the Drive-In circa 1962. It's excruciatingly bad. If you were writing that for a comedy piece on - I dunno - "Family Guy" or something - it would be hysterical. But you're not. You're seriously dishing up this bilge for a grocery store's wine department.
      I actually didn't write that. I wrote the individual blogs. I should have made that clear on my Writing Samples page.

      Critique of my radio ad and rewrite
      I think my ad is garbage, too. I wrote that when I was just starting out. The marketing director asked me if I could write a radio ad for them. Not wanting to disappoint the one client I had, I said, "Uhh, sure."

      Thing is, I didn't really know what I was doing. But it's one of the few samples I can show from that business.

      P.S. Your rewrite -- which I greatly appreciate -- wouldn't fly with that company. They went kinda crazy when I turned in my original radio ad for their meat. And that was just a cow and pig talking about how they were going to be tonight's dinner. "Too sadistic," the company said.
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      • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
        Banned
        Originally Posted by NickN View Post

        P.S. Your rewrite -- which I greatly appreciate -- wouldn't fly with that company. They went kinda crazy when I turned in my original radio ad for their meat. And that was just a cow and pig talking about how they were going to be tonight's dinner. "Too sadistic," the company said.
        A cow and a pig talking about how they were going to be tonights dinner? I love it. You ever considered a career as a gag-writer? That would be perfect for Chevy Chase on "Community".

        A cow and a pig talking about how they were going to be tonight's dinner. That's my laugh for the day. Thank you mate.

        Busch's Premium Meat 30" Radio Spot
        sfx under: Barnyard noises.

        The Cow (deep voice): hey Pig - how they hangin'?

        The Pig (squeaky voice): oh hi Beef.

        The Cow: you know they're gonna zap me with the electric cattle prod today?

        The Pig: no kidding? Will that be fun?

        The Cow: oh yeah - I can't wait. Then they're gonna slice me up into thick juicy steaks and make gourmet sausages out of me.

        The Pig: yeah?

        The Cow: yeah...I'm part of the Premium Meat Promo at Busch's this week. What about you Dude?

        The Pig: Oh I get to have my throat slit. Then they're gonna fry my ass with some eggs.

        The Cow: getouttahere! Give me the electric cattle prod any day.

        V.O.: Busch's Premium Meats - "meat to die for"
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        • Profile picture of the author GenerousBoy
          Hey Mal, funny ad. Very cool. I can't imagine any client running with it, unless they were in a suicidal mood, but desperate times... lol.
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          • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
            Banned
            Originally Posted by GenerousBoy View Post

            Hey Mal, funny ad. Very cool. I can't imagine any client running with it, unless they were in a suicidal mood, but desperate times... lol.
            You kidding me? A meat campaign featuring The Cow and The Pig would brain it on a rock FM station. Or even as a comedy piece on the Beeb.
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        • Profile picture of the author Tinkerbell
          Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

          Busch's Premium Meats - "to die for"
          Definitely to die for. I almost choked to death from laughing so hard. :-)
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          • Profile picture of the author NickN
            A cow and a pig talking about how they were going to be tonights dinner? I love it. You ever considered a career as a gag-writer? That would be perfect for Chevy Chase on "Community".

            A cow and a pig talking about how they were going to be tonight's dinner. That's my laugh for the day. Thank you mate.

            Busch's Premium Meat 30" Radio Spot
            sfx under: Barnyard noises.

            The Cow (deep voice): hey Pig - how they hangin'?

            The Pig (squeaky voice): oh hi Beef.

            The Cow: you know they're gonna zap me with the electric cattle prod today?

            The Pig: no kidding? Will that be fun?

            The Cow: oh yeah - I can't wait. Then they're gonna slice me up into thick juicy steaks and make gourmet sausages out of me.

            The Pig: yeah?

            The Cow: yeah...I'm part of the Premium Meat Promo at Busch's this week. What about you Dude?

            The Pig: I get to have my throat slit. Then they're gonna fry my ass with some eggs.

            The Cow: getouttahere! Give me the electric cattle prod any day.

            V.O.: Busch's Premium Meats - "to die for"
            Haha. Fan. F***ing. Tastic.

            I actually kind of liked my original ad. But, yeah, "too sadistic." And I guess it was "too similar" to a milk company's commercial because it featured a talking cow.

            I thought, "Well, talking animals aren't very original, anyway." But I rewrote the ad (the POS you quoted the other day) because I was just thankful for the work.
            Signature

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            • Profile picture of the author NickN
              Is this headline more in line with what I should be doing?

              "Crack-shot copywriter targets your customers’ buying emotions with exclusive, kick-ass formula that skyrockets your sales”

              Your competition will be sweating bullets when they see your profits

              But I can see issues with this headline already:

              1. Too long
              2. Some people might not know what "crack-shot" means
              3. Cursing in the headline -- potential turnoff
              4. I don't actually have a kick-ass formula yet

              Here's what I like, though:

              1. The bullet/shooting reference throughout the headline and deck
              2. The cursing. It "feels" like me
              3. The formula for hitting customers buying emotions kind of seems like a hook. Yes? No?

              Thoughts?

              Also, some people PMed me with advice. I don't have enough posts to respond back, so I want to thank you from here.
              Signature

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              • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
                Originally Posted by NickN View Post

                Is this headline more in line with what I should be doing?


                "Crack-shot copywriter targets your customers’ buying emotions with exclusive, kick-ass formula that skyrockets your sales”


                Your competition will be sweating bullets when they see your profits


                But I can see issues with this headline already:



                1. Too long


                2. Some people might not know what "crack-shot" means


                3. Cursing in the headline -- potential turnoff


                4. I don't actually have a kick-ass formula yet



                Here's what I like, though:



                1. The bullet/shooting reference throughout the headline and deck


                2. The cursing. It "feels" like me


                3. The formula for hitting customers buying emotions kind of seems like a hook. Yes? No?



                Thoughts?



                Also, some people PMed me with advice. I don't have enough posts to respond back, so I want to thank you from here.
                You can do much better. I only have a vague idea of what a crackshot is. Cursing in a headline, or anywhere in your copy is okay if...

                That's what your market expects. It's fine if you're writing for the MMO crowd. This group is primarily 18 to 30-year old males. So cursing to that audience might even make you sorta cool in their eyes.

                I don't think anyone has brought this up yet but you absolutely must tailor your pitch to your audience. Who do you see yourself writing for? If it's the fast buck IM crowd, craft your appeals to young guys who don't like to read much. Include short videos with really basic, hypey benefits. They want instant riches. They want autopilot stuff. They dig seeing fast cars, swirling cash and bikini babes. Include lots of graphics as these folks are often quite visual.

                Within reason, and without misrepresenting your client or product, give them what they want. Appeal to their vanity, their pride, their insecurities, their fears. Oh wait, you actually need to to that with all markets. But you especially need it with IM people. So again, who are you trying to reach?

                EDIT: It occurs to me that crackshot maybe should be crack shot, which is a sharpshooter.
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                • Profile picture of the author NickN
                  Originally Posted by travlinguy View Post

                  You can do much better. I only have a vague idea of what a crackshot is. Cursing in a headline, or anywhere in your copy is okay if...

                  That's what your market expects. It's fine if you're writing for the MMO crowd. This group is primarily 18 to 30-year old males. So cursing to that audience might even make you sorta cool in their eyes.

                  I don't think anyone has brought this up yet but you absolutely must tailor your pitch to your audience. Who do you see yourself writing for? If it's the fast buck IM crowd, craft your appeals to young guys who don't like to read much. Include short videos with really basic, hypey benefits. They want instant riches. They want autopilot stuff. They dig seeing fast cars, swirling cash and bikini babes. Include lots of graphics as these folks are often quite visual.

                  Within reason, and without misrepresenting your client or product, give them what they want. Appeal to their vanity, their pride, their insecurities, their fears. Oh wait, you actually need to to that with all markets. But you especially need it with IM people. So again, who are you trying to reach?

                  EDIT: It occurs to me that crackshot maybe should be crack shot, which is a sharpshooter.
                  I had been marketing my services to marketing/advertising directors of retail companies (grocery stores, department stores, etc.).

                  But I've been getting lots of "We don't hire freelancers, but that could change" responses. Most of these places seem to have their own agencies or copywriters.

                  I haven't really thought about appealing to the IM crowd, but I have contemplated marketing to the small-business owner.
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  • Profile picture of the author stiflex
    I'd put the testimonial at the bottom..
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    Best Cash! Earn Loads of cash!
    Get 35$ For 1000 Downloads! NO SURVEYS!!!
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  • Profile picture of the author mickmccrory
    If you're using wordpress check out the testimonials plugin to make the testimonials more professional looking and you can create an actual testimonials page. The testimonials are golden for your skills. Having a clear call to action and telling your visitors what to do when they come to your site will help as well.
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    13 Advanced but simple Traffic Strategies!
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  • Profile picture of the author DianaHeuser
    ROTFLMAO

    Mal, that is is just BRILLIANT

    Man, you are good!!!
    Signature

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  • Profile picture of the author Tinkerbell
    Nick, if you were face to face with someone who wanted to hire or was thinking about hiring you, what would you say to them? How would you say it? What questions do you imagine they might ask you about what you do, and how would you answer those questions?

    Unless I'm mistaken, these are the things your website are supposed to do for you -- introduce you and your service to potential clients. You wouldn't want to jazz someone up on your webpage, then call or meet them and have them find out you were completely different than they'd thought, would you?

    Just be yourself.
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  • Profile picture of the author John_S
    Okay. You talked to 60,000 customers.

    So what?

    Your headline doesn't tell me you sold them anything ...or learned anything ...or anything.

    Paco Underhill has learned something about customers I want to know. Including when and how to use a video.


    Speaking clearly on camera ...well, he needs more work.

    This is a guy who can brag about observing a bunch of customers, because he's looking at Why We BuyWhy We Buy . He's going the tell me about decompression zones, and why "the butt brush" is causing me to lose store sales.

    There is no other sane reason to get chummy with customers and have the reason put money into your pocket.

    Your headline is weak because you don't tell me the reason you talked about -- who knows what -- in the general vacinity of all those customers.

    Personality is nice. I'm paying for someone who knows when a store is empty people buy generic discount brands. When they feel like they are being watched, they buy premium. When you say "how are you today" when greeting a customer, it produces less sales than "..and what brought you into the store today."

    And talking in this particular accent caused sales to go up five percent. Whether you're from there or not.

    If you can't tell me that, we need not talk.

    When you tell me you talked, I know for a fact that's all you did. I want somebody who sold 60,000 $52,514,017 and thirty two cents, not just made with the yak yak.

    There are a million teenagers talking to customers. They are being paid minimum wage for a reason. As a store owner I want to see the talk lead directly and without question to ringing up sales. More sales than anything else they might be doing, including not talking.

    Your headline strikes me as doing everything possible to avoid talking about business results. And that's exactly what's wrong with the new "crackpot" headline too.

    Finally, as someone who has dog bites from door to door selling, I advise you to try that for a while. Get booted out of a house a few times. I mean thown out. The stuff you encounter elsewhere won't even register.
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  • Profile picture of the author John_S
    Not crackpot. ...crackhead? No. That can't be right.
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  • Profile picture of the author John_S
    ...crapshoot?
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  • Profile picture of the author EaglePiServ
    I gotta ask the O.P.,

    You want to charge people to write copy for them, yet you come to a free resource (WF) to gain insight (actually asking for free advice) on how to write your sales-piece for it?

    Why don't you invest in yourself (and your clients) and hire a copywriter from here, or I can privately refer you to an excellent one in the U.K..
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    • Profile picture of the author NickN
      Originally Posted by EaglePiServ View Post

      I gotta ask the O.P.,

      You want to charge people to write copy for them, yet you come to a free resource (WF) to gain insight (actually asking for free advice) on how to write your sales-piece for it?

      Why don't you invest in yourself (and your clients) and hire a copywriter from here, or I can privately refer you to an excellent one in the U.K..
      Well, I'm just starting out. It's called "learning." I came here to get insight.

      People didn't have to respond. But I'm grateful they did.

      Do you think Michael Jordan came out of the womb knowing how to shoot a mid-range jump shot? No. When he started playing basketball, he practiced. He had coaches show him what he was doing wrong and how to fix it. That's how he got good. Right?

      OK, so my copywriting skills ain't so hot -- right now. But I want to improve. So hiring a copywriter to write about my services as a copywriter is kind of detrimental to my improvement. Thanks, anyway.
      Signature

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  • Profile picture of the author Smiling1
    I am by no means a pro, but God gifted in the copywriting arena. Here's my feedback for whatever it's worth, with gold basically indicating something I'd eliminate or change.
    Hope it’s of value. Blessings, Bruce
    • Finally...a copywriter who has actually talked to the average consumer (over 60,000 consumers, to be exact). Someone who sees your customers as people – not a statistic {statistics} on a marketing report.
    • Finally...a copywriter who generates results for clients…without charging those clientsthousands and thousands of dollars for top-notch copy and consulting.
    • Finally...a copywriter who "gets" your customers. Who understands their desires, needs, and what drives them to buy.
    • And finally...a copywriter who clients can call on at eight o’clock in the morning or 10 o’clock at night. A copywriter who knows how strict your schedule is and will accommodate you.
    I'm Nick Nordstrom -- freelance copywriter and marketing consultant. Also the copywriter mentioned in the above headline and bullet points. (You probably knew that, though, right?)

    I have written successful copy for     Busch's Fresh Food Markets, VG's, Sunset Foods any others you can put here?...you get the picture.

    You're probably wondering about that talking-to-over-60,000-consumers thing, {yeah}     right?

    I worked directly with the public for over eight years. It's a simple equation.
    The number of years I worked with the public xthe number of people I talked to in a day = over 60,000 consumers.

    I love this!
    And here's the important part: I listened to what these 60,000 people had to say. Took note of the things they looked for when     they're(cut this word) shopping. Made sure I knew what their buying buttons were.
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    • Profile picture of the author NickN
      Originally Posted by Smiling1 View Post

      I am by no means a pro, but God gifted in the copywriting arena. Here's my feedback for whatever it's worth, with gold basically indicating something I'd eliminate or change.
      Hope it's of value. Blessings, Bruce
      • Finally...a copywriter who has actually talked to the average consumer (over 60,000 consumers, to be exact). Someone who sees your customers as people - not a statistic {statistics} on a marketing report.
      • Finally...a copywriter who generates results for clients...without charging those clientsthousands and thousands of dollars for top-notch copy and consulting.
      • Finally...a copywriter who "gets" your customers. Who understands their desires, needs, and what drives them to buy.
      • And finally...a copywriter who clients can call on at eight o'clock in the morning or 10 o'clock at night. A copywriter who knows how strict your schedule is and will accommodate you.
      I'm Nick Nordstrom -- freelance copywriter and marketing consultant. Also the copywriter mentioned in the above headline and bullet points. (You probably knew that, though, right?)

      I have written successful copy for       Busch's Fresh Food Markets, VG's, Sunset Foods any others you can put here?...you get the picture.

      You're probably wondering about that talking-to-over-60,000-consumers thing, {yeah}       right?

      I worked directly with the public for over eight years. It's a simple equation.
      The number of years I worked with the public xthe number of people I talked to in a day = over 60,000 consumers.

      I love this!
      And here's the important part: I listened to what these 60,000 people had to say. Took note of the things they looked for when       they're(cut this word) shopping. Made sure I knew what their buying buttons were.
      Thanks for the suggestions and kind words. I think the "60,000 customers" thing is out the door at this point, but I'm happy to know it tickled someone's fancy.
      Signature

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  • Profile picture of the author John_S
    "We don't hire freelancers, but that could change" responses.
    They'll hire a self-confessed werewolf if it'll make profit margins increase. That is pure B.S. It'll change the instant you convince them they are losing money by not hiring you. Not one moment sooner.

    A real objection might be "we don't think you know what makes our customers buy."

    You want to portray yourself as someone who knows the difference between a false or decoy objection and a real objection. A lot of these businesses rely on surveys. It comes in handy when you realize surveys are nearly always collecting manure.

    Why hire you when I can talk to customers -- or take a survey -- all by myself is another objection.
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  • Profile picture of the author Jim Armstrong
    Hi Nick,

    I read through your thread about wanting input on the copywriting on your website, and I looked through your website. There was a lot of good feedback, some not so good.

    You definitely have the raw talent to be a good copywriter. You've also got a lot of passion and drive, and a desire to excel. By developing your natural ability with the right training there's no reason you can't make a hell of a lot of money for yourself and your clients.

    Tips are great, feedback is great, but I don't think that's what will help you the most at this point. I think a systematic study of copywriting is crucial for your development.

    Here are some resources I highly recommend:

    1. The Ultimate Sales Letter-by Dan Kennedy. You can pick this book up for $10 on Amazon, but don't let the price fool you. Dan walks you, step-by-step, through his system for writing highly profitable marketing copy. It includes lots of real life examples. (You mentioned not having a "system" for generating money-making copy....here's one that's ready to go.)

    2. The Ultimate Marketing Plan by Dan Kennedy

    3. ANY of Dan Kennedy's copywriting courses.

    After you obtain the first three items, then I would recommend:

    4. Anything by Gary Halbert you can get your hands on.

    5. Tested Advertising Methods by John Caples

    6. Outrageous Advertising by Bill Glazer

    Of course there are lots of others, but this will get you started, and it will lead you to other gurus to study.

    Some of the comments said your website made you sound "too available," and like a "rookie" and a low-price discount service. I agree, although I don't think that was your intention.

    You need to position yourself as an in-demand, trusted advisor who is very selective about which clients he will accept. By studying the right "gurus" you can learn to "position" yourself correctly, even when you are a rank beginner with no clients!

    Some sources I recommend are:

    Dan Kennedy books (actually, you could do a lot worse than buying all 15-20 books by Dan. But here's a short list.)

    1. How to succeed in business by breaking all the rules.
    2. No B.S. Time Management for Entrepreneurs
    3. No BS Sales Success in the New Economy

    What you'll pick up from these books, besides strategies and techniques, is an overall attitude and philosophy behind good positioning. Dan is amazing at not only doing this for himself, but helping his clients create sales processes that do this.

    Other resources for positioning:

    4. Winning Through Intimidation by Robert Ringer

    5. Joe Polish's CD course sold through Nightingale Conant.

    This is a lot of stuff to study, but being a highly skilled marketer/copywriter/salesperson can literally make you rich.

    One last thing...when it comes to marketing the only vote that counts is money. You can't put opinions in the bank.

    Hope this helps.

    Jim Armstrong
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  • Profile picture of the author kkoechel
    link to your book on copywriting

    this thread alone is proof you can pull someone in, grats
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