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Can someone Critique my sales copy???

by chrisChandra
19 replies
I'm new at copywriting and after reading up on it I've put together a sales letter but I don't know if it's good. I tried imitating from different copy I've seen and formatting mine similarly(probably a rookie move). But not much luck with customers. I would really appreciate it if someone critiqued it and let me know what I'm missing. Thank you in advance!

Here is the direct link Surf Social Waves | How To Avoid Social Humiliation/Rejection


Chris
#copy #critique #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Warrior X
    Chris,

    There's a lot there I like . The format is good- subheads, bullets- you copied from people who know what they're doing.

    You're using way too many questions (every single one of your bullets is a question), and that doesn't make for good reading. Find some lessons on how to write effective bullets from a top copywriter-- it one of the most important parts of writing for the web.

    You go on talking about yourself for too long. I know you're telling the story of how the book came to be- and that can be effective- but here it's half your letter and that's too much.

    Have you seen any sales? If so, even that is awesome for your first letter.

    Keep trying, you're doing a lot right.

    Jeremy
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  • Profile picture of the author chrisChandra
    Hello Jeremy, thank you for your comment! It feels like a breath of fresh air getting feedback. I'm going to cut my story short and research on writing bullets.
    I've had 2 sales in the past 2 weeks. I wish there was more lol

    Chris
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    It's decent. The sub header is a novel. It needs to be shortened. Make 10x, 10 Times.

    I don't have a problem with having your opening bullets as questions. But you have way too many. They're also a bit on the wordy side. Pick three or four and sharpen them up. Use the ones the reader will find most painful and will identify with most.

    Take the others and sharpen them up too. Then list them in your call to action when you're closing and explain that people will also get help with these problems.

    Some of your paragraph headers are very good. Some of them suck. You need to figure out which ones work. I didn't read the whole thing. I will say this, you're page is NOT visually appealing. It looks like something from 1997. That's an easy fix though.

    Overall, a very decent job for your first try. Nice work.
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  • Profile picture of the author chrisChandra
    Hey travlinguy, this is good stuff. I'm working on all the advice real-time lol. As for visually appealing, would it work if I simply had an all white background? I made some of the change and currently working on making the bullets and subheads better.
    Thank you
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    • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
      Originally Posted by chrisChandra View Post

      Hey travlinguy, this is good stuff. I'm working on all the advice real-time lol. As for visually appealing, would it work if I simply had an all white background? I made some of the change and currently working on making the bullets and subheads better.
      Thank you
      You need more than a different background. Get a modern template. Get a few images into the copy itself. Get the headline centered, not left justified. Get a product image. Go to clickbank and look at some similar pages. Selling is as much a visual thing as it is reading copy. I hate to admit it, but it's usually more visual, especially in this market.

      People in the market for what you're selling are often serial buyers, they collect products like yours. When they see your site looking like it was created while the earth was still cooling they're going to leave.

      Don't skimp on having this look good. Get your butt over to the warriors for hire section and spend $30 - $50 bucks for a nice little mini site with a header and footer that will match the product image. Good luck
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      • Profile picture of the author chrisChandra
        Originally Posted by travlinguy View Post

        You need more than a different background. Get a modern template. Get a few images into the copy itself. Get the headline centered, not left justified. Get a product image. Go to clickbank and look at some similar pages. Selling is as much a visual thing as it is reading copy. I hate to admit it, but it's usually more visual, especially in this market.

        People in the market for what you're selling are often serial buyers, they collect products like yours. When they see your site looking like it was created while the earth was still cooling they're going to leave.

        Don't skimp on having this look good. Get your butt over to the warriors for hire section and spend $30 - $50 bucks for a nice little mini site with a header and footer that will match the product image. Good luck
        Gotcha, and yes a lot of people who did visit my site simply left
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  • Profile picture of the author Anthony W
    Hey Chris, I just took a look at this and it looks pretty good for a first draft!

    The one suggestion I would give is to include before/after pictures. This creates trust. Also, showing is more powerful than telling.

    Good luck!
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    • Profile picture of the author chrisChandra
      Originally Posted by Tony W View Post

      Hey Chris, I just took a look at this and it looks pretty good for a first draft!

      The one suggestion I would give is to include before/after pictures. This creates trust. Also, showing is more powerful than telling.

      Good luck!
      Hey Tony!

      Yeah I can definitely put up before and after pictures..I'm thinking of maybe putting up a video.

      By the way maybe I should've mentioned my main site that people come to is Surf Social Waves | Men's Help

      Thank you for your feedback

      Chris
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  • Profile picture of the author Anthony W
    are you also planning to build a squeeze page and getting people on your list?

    If not, I definitely recommend it.

    By the way, Surf Social Waves is an awesome name. I like your stuff cause I came from a similar background : )
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    • Profile picture of the author chrisChandra
      Originally Posted by Tony W View Post

      are you also planning to build a squeeze page and getting people on your list?

      If not, I definitely recommend it.

      By the way, Surf Social Waves is an awesome name. I like your stuff cause I came from a similar background : )

      Thanks! I do plan on making a squeeze page but right now I'm working on SEO and building traffic as well as improving on my sales page. Hm maybe I should make a squeeze page first.

      By the way what's your product?
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  • Profile picture of the author PsychoProfits
    If I'd change one element it would be the bullet points. To really hit the reader's pain points I'd make each bullet a pain-inducing story. For example...

    "Do you become self-conscious and stilted at social gatherings because others ignore you?"

    Change to...

    "You're at an intimate party where everyone else is having a great time, but all the guests you want to talk to are ignoring you, making you feel more and more self-conscious."

    Use fewer bullets but make them more painful
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  • Profile picture of the author Smiling1
    fewer but more powerful bullets is really important
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    • Profile picture of the author chrisChandra
      Originally Posted by Smiling1 View Post

      fewer but more powerful bullets is really important

      Are you referring to bullets at the beginning of the copy or at the end?
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  • Profile picture of the author OliviaHoang
    I'd change the headline to focus on only one ultimate benefit. I'd say something like...

    "How a Formerly Lame Guy Learned the Secrets to Social Domination that the 'Cool People' Don't Want You to Know..."

    Also, there were parts of your copy that lost me due to vagueness. Like how you became cool...mainly the stories

    But overall, it has a certain catchiness to it that is the exact right tone for this product.
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  • Profile picture of the author Profolegy
    All i can say is pay some one to redo the whole thing for you and put it on a blog and a membership site with a squeeze page.

    Cheers Bruce
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  • Profile picture of the author chrisChandra
    Thanks guys, I'll try to implement the strategies you talked about
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  • Profile picture of the author khaiyong
    Hi Chris, here are my thoughts and suggestions.

    First of all, good job on taking the effort to put together such a long sales copy. It must have taken you many days of brainstorming and drafting to come up with something of such magnitude.

    However, I must say that the design is very poor. I didn't read the copy but at first glance, if your sales page lacks the visual appeal, it's unlikely that your customers will think that your product will look good.

    Here are some tips for improving the design of your sales page:

    -Change the font of your header to Impact.
    -Don't use default font for the rest of your copy - try something like verdana or arial.
    -Not all sub headings have to be red and look the same.
    -Add some graphics/visuals to your sales copy.
    -Alignment is VERY important. For header, sub header and images - align center. For the rest, align left and indent in 2-3 times.
    -Try graphic fonts - They can look pretty good

    Feel free to PM me if you need anymore advice on sales copy design
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  • Profile picture of the author chrisChandra
    Thanks!
    Matt I tried using some of your pointers on my site...I've shortened the story so the reader gets to the "technique" quicker. I also changed the title font to verdana and body trebuchet MS. Made the font bigger and makes sales copy longer (i guess that's a bad thing).
    I also used the bullet separation at the very end.

    Do you guys think I should use "scarcity"?
    Clickbank is strict on that so I thought along the lines of:

    you wont find it anywhere else. I guarantee it...

    I Find It Funny That...

    After the book came out the same group of friends who told me to write it are now are telling me I'm giving away "Way too much!".

    And I can see where they're coming from, if everyone started using these techniques it wouldn't be as effective anymore. So just to keep this with a small group of people I can only extend this offer to an extremely limited number of men.

    I hope that sounds reasonable?

    ---> Continued to price
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