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Honest review please.

by DianaHeuser
19 replies
Hi there,

I have decided to take the plunge and ask you experts out there to please review my sales copy for Boz's product.

Alchemy

You may be honest with this newbie.

Thank you.
Di

P.S. Boz suggested that I put it up for critique
#copy #review #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Hi Di,

    In keeping with the spirit of the exercise (letting the market decide) I'm not going to critique your ad.

    But I will offer a little advice on your writing:

    Read it out loud (NOT in your head, actually out loud) as some of your sentences are a bit awkward and wordy. E.g. " Boz wanted to help other people create magic in their lives. He would teach other people how to do this so that they could also earn some extra cash and change their lives."

    You want to write in a more informal, conversational way, as if you're chatting to a friend. Here's a great example for you Secret Copywriting Tricks Of The Trade

    And actually I am going to have to offer a small critique, as this particular point's bugging me - Why can't I click the "BUY the Business Manual NOW" to actually buy it?

    (And while I'm at it, get some "What's In It For Me?" into your headline)
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    Andrew Gould

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  • Profile picture of the author DianaHeuser
    Thanks Andrew,

    Going to read that now.

    Good point on the "Buy the Business Manual Now" issue. I will see if I can edit the PayPal code just to get a link on the graphic.

    Di
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  • Profile picture of the author Micah Medina
    This headline doesn't exactly work for me. You're using your headline as the hook for your story - and then using the opening line as another hook:

    In the most of ancient of days, wizards would spend their entire lives trying to turn brass into gold. They never succeeded. Who would have figured that ‘ol Boz, an ex-cropduster, would have got it right.

    Also, this doesn't read rhythmically, you've got three sentences in a row ending on a down note. Andrew was right, you should be using a benefit as your headline and then opening with a hook sentence.

    I'm also a highly confused by the elements you've thrown at me right away. I'm keeping track of cropdusters, wizards, brass, sandpaper, cash, and gold within a few sentences... I feel like I'm being dropped in the middle of Lord of the Rings and I can't tell what's important here. Consider paring it down and simplifying it a bit.

    Totally off the top of my head :

    In the middle ages, alchemists spent their entire lives trying to turn household items into gold. They never succeeded. Hell, they never came close. But in the modern ages, a cropduster from Michigan figured it out(unlocked the secret?) -- and he almost lost his life in the process.

    That kind of sucks, but it drops you right into the pitch.
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  • Profile picture of the author salescopywriter
    Diana,

    The wizard stuff puts me off. The people in the market looking for biz ops aren't thinking about wizards and brass. They are thinking gold, cash and what'll get it in their hands.

    Also, definitely read it out loud. Looks good if you're writing a book, but this is supposed to talk to people. You wouldn't have a conversation exactly how that page is worded, so don't write it like that. No need for being completely grammatically correct in sales copy of this nature. Have a conversation with someone and then write it down. There's your sales letter.
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Diana, the whole alchemy thing doesn't work. You're trying to be too cute. All the target audience is interested in is a business they can start with little outlay...and have cash in their hands that night. Did you read what everyone said on the Tinkerbell thread?

    You're targeting the desperate and dreamers. So you need to talk in short simple sentences. Like this. Tell them how they can have hundreds of dollars in their pocket. In a few hours. Doing easy work. With hardly any outlay. Any idiot can do it. But they need to get this Manual because it has valuable tips. And its only a lousy $97 - which they'll make back in an hour. Tell them its an all-cash business. The answer to their dreams. They can't lose. And if they spend another $97 Boz will teach them how to Fry Cropdusters. But really - read the other thread. Neck some moonshine - and bang it out. Just like you're a hillbilly talking to your redneck cousin. Or something.
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  • Profile picture of the author DianaHeuser
    Thank you guys for taking the time to look at this. I am going read them all carefullly and see how I can improve.

    Di
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  • Profile picture of the author princecapri
    Hey Diana, I am not a copywriter, so take my feedback with a pinch of salt. As a potential buyer, I wouldn't go for this. I agree with others, the wizard thing is off-putting.

    Also, the sentence - 'Convert Sandpaper into Gold...Cash' sounds very awkward. Will I get Gold or cash? And why sandpaper?
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    • Profile picture of the author edumonsters
      Originally Posted by princecapri View Post


      Also, the sentence - 'Convert Sandpaper into Gold...Cash' sounds very awkward. Will I get Gold or cash? And why sandpaper?
      Your point is right. I think using the words like Gold, Treasure Hunt, etc might not work these days because people are quite aware and don't believe in fairy tales. Lol! (Just a funny comment Di)

      I am not a copywriter but I think there's really no rule to writing the ads unless the buyers state through their response. But it can be said that 'getting to convince buyers' have some rules. :confused: Confused to say the least now!
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    People want and need money. When do they want it? Right now. How do they want to get it? As easily as possible. Think in these terms.

    I'd guess spiffing up headlights doesn't take very long. So maybe your appeal is something like this:


    Discover How To Easily Earn A Full Day's Pay Working Only Two Hours!


    Then you could immediately follow the headline with:

    Imagine What You'll Make Working A Full Day!

    Get right to the point. Be honest. Mention there's an investment in the business plan right up front. Hit them with a bunch of bullets right away. Tell them this opportunity is:

    · Recession Proof
    · Start Immediately
    · Takes Very Little Starting Capital
    · Allows Them To Work When They Want
    · Can Easily Be Advertised For Free (Craigs List & Other Free Venues)
    · So Simple A 12-Year Old Kid Could Master It In 20 Minutes
    · Can Use Tools They're Likely To Already Own

    I'm sure you can come up with more. With this offer you've gotta set the hook early. I was reading Tinkerbell's copy and found it compelling. Then I found out it was actually manual labor and I might break a nail doing it. No Way, I said.

    I also think the price is a bit high. Those are your resistance points so you've gotta get them drooling right away. You've got writing talent. The whole thing about writing to sell is getting inside the heads of your market.

    And don't forget to include benefits. Benefits almost always appeal to emotions. Say stuff like: Imagine how proud you'll feel knowing you've got the bills covered while becoming self sufficient in your own home business. Mention how good it will feel to finally have some spare time to enjoy yourself and your family.... Etc.

    The appeal there is pride and vanity. Push every button your audience has. Good luck, Diana.
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  • Profile picture of the author genetic
    You need a better headline, your current version creates a false positive. The wrong people will read on for the wrong reasons and then be disappointed because they've been misled. And the people you're actually targeting won't see it's relevance due to the bad headline.

    The result, low sales.

    I see what you were trying to do but try and be more direct in the headline and build the value in the body.
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  • Profile picture of the author DianaHeuser
    Thank you again.

    Please can I ask - what does the word 'hook' mean that you keep referring to? You have to excuse the newbie questions here

    Does it mean, what catches their attention and makes them want to continue reading?
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  • Profile picture of the author Haris Tahic
    To be honest, I didn't know what are you talking about (in your salse page) until I scrolled down where it says, "Headlines Cleaning Business Manual" on cover. I tough it's for car washers.

    You have to be more accurate in your headline. I don't believe in wizards and alchemy..
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    Great investment opportunity! Click HERE! <-- Permanent traffic!
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Diana,

    You should seriously consider writing a blind ad for the product. Blind ads will often sell multiples of one that attempts to explain everything.

    The upside is more money, the downside is more refunds. If refund percentages don't matter, try going blind.

    - Rick Duris
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  • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
    Diana,

    I don't like the alchemy angle you took. "Too cute" as Copy Nazi said.

    The ad also lacks a strong close and seems to end with a whimper.

    But...

    I do like your writing style and I hope you continue to get your feet wet in copywriting.

    --- Ross
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  • Profile picture of the author SJ048998
    My personal opinion? From those 1 page sites I've seen so far, this one would be above average, which is actually a good thing! For only one simple product, I'd perhaps make it a bit shorter and add some more gorgeous images. Else, it's fine. But don't take my word for it, I'm not an expert, just telling you an opinion from a bit different angle.

    Good luck!
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    An Image & An URL One Day Soon, Hopefully..

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