Would love some suggestions on sales letter

7 replies
Hi warriors,

I have put together an e-book targeting people who are struggling financially and are looking for advice on how to save money each month by cutting costs. The site is here: HowToSave.us.com

I have built the sales letter using OptimizePress and a WSO on creating effective sales letters. I would love to get your feedback on how to improve the letter before I launch.

One additional thing lacking is a visual graphic above the fold that enhances appeal but does not bring too much attention to itself. Suggestions on what graphic to use would be appreciated as well.

None of the purchase links are activated yet so no need to let me know about that.

Thanks,
Bryan
#advice #critique #letter #love #sales #suggestions
  • Profile picture of the author ocflyfish
    Sorry my post count isn't high enough to put a link but you can just copy/paste.
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  • Profile picture of the author Jason Kanigan
    Seems like a decent sales letter to me. You have all the right elements. Money troubles are an emotional topic, and you've definitely evoked that emotion.
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Create a sig file and put the link in it. You'll get more responses.
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    While your piece is articulated well, it just doesn't grab you.

    Maybe it's because you're promoting something that looks really generic and not very useful. None of what you write gets me to to say to myself "I gotta know that!"

    Maybe it's because it lacks emotion. You're approaching it logically and rationally. The folks reading are not logical or rational. They're desperate.

    Maybe it's because it's missing the hook, something that gets the reader curious and grabs them. For instance:

    "How I get the local supermarket to PAY ME for shopping"

    ----

    What you may want to do is spend some time reviewing the old bottom line and boardroom report promotional pieces. The authors were Eugene Schwartz and Mel Martin. Someone may be able to help you find them.

    These pieces were great because what's sold you on the product was the individual gems and Nuggets found in the books. These were described using a copywriting technique called fascinations.

    The most famous one was "What never to eat on an airplane."

    ----

    I hope this helps. It's written well, it's just not compelling enough for someone to pull out their credit card.

    - Rick Duris
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    It's definitely well-written.

    You should feel good about that.

    I disagree with Rick, it does grab you.

    It just doesn't maintain my attention.

    When I got to your features, I lost complete interest.

    Sorry, but the bullets sound boring.

    You've got to come up with a way to make the fundamental basics that your book teaches have more flare.

    You also desperately need to animate the possibilities of what that means TO ME!

    How will my life become different after I utilize this information?

    Paint me a picture.

    But you're a good writer.

    One of the better attempts I've seen recently posted on here...

    ...Oh, and throw in some visuals.

    The page REALLY needs some pictures that SHOW ME what you're talking about...
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Warriors
    I think you did a LOT of things right in this sales letter. Just off the top of my head,

    1. using the "impact" font in dark red

    this is always a good move, your headline looks great.

    2. including a lot of graphics on the page

    your page is very easy to read and good-looking, this helps.

    3. using a lot of well spaced out bullet points

    again, makes it easy to read.

    4. including an earnings screenshot

    always a good idea.

    .................................................. .................................................. ............

    on the whole, it looks like you did your homework with this sales letter, but still, it seems like there's something missing. it doesn't really "flow." I think that's because you go a little heavy on the bullet points. of course, as I said above, I think bullet points are great, but you should also use some full paragraphs to facilitate smooth transitions and a compelling story. flesh your sales letter out a little bit and it will be a winner.
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    • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
      Banned
      howtosave.us.com |

      Personally speaking... it's not gripping my attention. Written well but lacks luster. Oomph.

      It's not agitating the problem enough. It's not stirring up one core emotion. It lacks belief. Conviction.

      Will it have your target audience reaching for their wallets instantly? I doubt it.

      What I think you're trying to convey, is all about essentially... throwing people a life line.

      A guide which can help families to save lots of money every day just by tweaking finances around here and there. Hardly an exciting subject, though of course, necessary for many.

      The potential is there but in my opinion the whole thing needs a major rewrite. Your main headline could be a lot stronger for starters.

      You need to sock your single biggest benefit straight between the eyeballs of your readers. One massive irresistible benefit. A main headline which virtually compels your readers to really want to keep on reading the information down below.

      Literally position this as a life line. Without this guide by your side you will continue to allow hard earned cash to leech away through your fingers adding to your worry, anxiety and stress. On the other hand...

      ...with this guide you will be able to make instant daily cash savings...
      benefits 1-7 in bullet form follow.

      Perhaps introduce a storyline, a story which 99% of your readers can easily latch on to and relate to. Demonstrating how your guide literally saved a family from the brink of financial ruin and turned things completely around for them.

      Really lay out the facts on the table. The risks involved by not taking action now.

      Stir it up and then position your guide as the solution to their prayers with a very direct and strong call to action.

      Best,


      Mark Andrews
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