11 {{ upvoteCount | shortNum }}
11 {{ upvoteCount | shortNum }}

experienced IM opinions wanted please

by Oakland Direct
9 replies
Hello

I am new to the world of internet marketing, i have prepared and uploaded a sales site and would value any helpful and experienced advice on the finished sales letter


thank you
#experienced #opinions #wanted
  • Profile picture of the author OutOfThisWord
    It's nicely laid out, but I can't find a hook, anywhere, and I skimmed throughout.

    It flickers a little to much, with all the alternating colors, so makes it hard to skim and get hooked on a headline or subhead.

    Gizmos, bling and things don't get you readership. A compelling story does.

    And I think you have a compelling story in here, but it hurts my eyes to try and find it.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5378005].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author thehorizon
    Bleah... doesn't seem good at all.

    Too messy and disorganized. Too pretty... (ugly converts).
    Too shiny... The eyes dart around too much.

    Too wide... the eyes move across the page a LOT.

    Too red... the eyes dart around too much... it's critical factor overload, and nothing goes in.

    Sub-headlines are too prominent. While yes, headlines do get readership, your copy is equally important. Every single sentence has to be crafted from one sentence to the other. Don't take it as a joke.

    Don't ask the reader if they want proof. They do. Let them see it.

    Don't put graphics out of nowhere and out of alignment.... Graphics only convert better if they have a strong purpose.

    The second most important part of your copy is way off.

    Nothing gripping or riveting about your headline. No subheadline to continue a grip... No "YOU"s despite the storylines... There's no WIIFM.

    Don't refer to others... Don't use "those". Use "You".

    Your hook, while being a "story"... MUST involve the reader somehow. It must either grab the attention and SUSTAIN it... or synchronize with the reader's wanted role immediately. Saw nothing in the top at all that roused any form of "gripping-style" curiosity.

    Your fonts must be readable. Sans-serif for typewritten sales letters. Go figure. The handwriting guarantee was quite bad....

    Again... whatever you learnt in a copy template... you don't have to tell the reader about it. I see it ringing out... a completely robotic sales copy. I can totally see you asking the reader for confirmation:
    1. This is my headline!
    2. This is his story! You should be amazed
    3. You want to see my proof right?
    4. There is no risk for you! It is easy!
    5. You know you have free gifts right?
    6. Don't defy me, just order!

    It really sounded that way to me...
    Copy should flow naturally. It should be a work of art where each sentence is compelling and gripping.

    Okay that's it... just hire a copywriter and spare yourself the trouble.
    There are even larger fundamental things that are just plain wrong in the copy...
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5378750].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Unfortunately, and not to pile on, but this screams "What do I have to say for you to send me your money and I'll say it." Can't scream much louder than this. - Rick Duris
    Signature
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5378948].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author KingOfContentMarketing
    DO YOU, DO YOU, DO YOU...?

    (this line was making me crazy)
    Signature
    Marketing is not a battle of products. It is a battle of perceptions.
    - Jack Trout
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5379554].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
      I've got to agree it's not good.

      I'm not going to pour on any more misery by listing all the bad stuff.

      To be fair...

      There are a few "bits" buried deep in the copy that are ok.

      But it does need a complete re-write.

      Either spend a lot of time learning all the copywriting secrets, skills and techniques.

      But please make sure everything you write is ethical and above board.

      Because it should be. And all the UK advertising regulations now apply to websites.

      If you don't have the time. Choose someone to do it all for you.

      Steve
      Signature
      http://www.warriorforum.com/warriors...right-now.html
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5379960].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author thehorizon
      Originally Posted by Mark Andrews View Post

      My advice? Just scrap the entire idea. It's a complete waste of time Alexander.

      Back to the basics of marketing and business 101 for you.
      I second this. Not trying to poke in the wound, but honestly speaking, the offer isn't good. If you don't have a good product, years of copywriting and editing won't really save you.

      Just start off with a different product now when you haven't invested that much money into it yet.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5381593].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Prince Charles is hanging with Internet fraudsters now? Who knew?

    Marvelous stuff. Pure comedy gold. Some classic lines in this. Straight out of Waynes World.

    Scary thing is...there's bound to be some morons who'll fall for this pitch.

    He’s funny He’s serious He’s a multi-millionaire He’s the real thing He’s self-made RICH
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5379940].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Oakland Direct
    Thank you all for your help.

    I after many attempts myself realised that i was not a very good writer so i did hire a well known writer to produce the letter you read.

    Maybe back to the drawing board.. Thanks
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5382349].message }}

Trending Topics