My first sales letter.

A few tips Sasha...


1.) your title is boring, uninspiring and doesn't give anything away.

2.) the first chunk of your copy is all about you. where's the benefit for the customer? You need to tell them what THEY can get from it. Interest them quickly.

3.) Break up or shorten down some of those paragraphs. Make it look easy to read. I took one look at your sales letter and though "screw that!"

4.) Where are your testimonials? Get some if you can.

Overall, your writing needs to be more 'punchy', more excitable and overall more enticing. Literally MAKE these people want to buy your product, make them NEED it.


Hope this helps!


Ben

Sasha -

In some cases, it is all about testing your sales page. Get it out there, see what works and what does not, and go from there!

Sasha,

If you haven't already, you should get some of the books on copywriting in the stickies section. For now, I would rework the sentences that say "I, I, I" and put the prospect in the scene.

When you mention that you won't charge them $1,000 it seems to be a random number. I realize you are referring to the parable. Instead, build value by listing some of the alternatives they might spend their money on in the real world, and how your offer compares favorably to those more expensive courses of action.

Hey Sasha, here's a few tidbits of advice that might help...

For the Title try to fit a "story" in there... for example something like:

"Finally: How This Sensible Shy Guy Used His Brain Smarts To Smash Self Doubt and Begin Earning Up To $XXX Per [Student/Week/Hour/Whatever]... And How You Can Do The Same All By Being A Part Time College Tutor"

See how that has a good story feel to it? Really it's all about knowing your prospect, which I suspect is someone who's smart but maybe shy or doubts their abilities to actually make a good amount of money tutoring.

The story has a good beginning, middle, and end to it... shy guy uses smarts to smash doubt and then begins making x money... then it points that benefit in the direction of the prospect.

Here's some more advice about the sub heads you've got... I'd suggest using simpler language.

For example instead of:

Does the idea of starting your own business sound byzantine, overwhelming, and prohibitively expensive?

I would refrain from words such as the ones I've bolded. Even though your audience may know these words, they carry little emotional weight.

But to tell you the truth I'd completely rewrite these sub points in a more compelling way.

Here's my take on them:

Are you a Grade A tutor struggling to make ends meet, yet you know your genius mind is worth so much more?

Are you a competent, caring tutor intimidated by the idea of working for yourself?


Does the idea of starting your own business make your head want to spin?

If you believe starting a business is utterly overwhelming and is going to cost you your entire college fund to do...


Here’s what I want you to know:

Starting a profitable tutoring business is cheaper than a full course meal for two, simpler than 8th grade algebra… and I’m going to show you how to do it in less than X amount of time

Now of course you can use something different than "full course meal for two" or "8th grade algrbra"... those were just on the fly examples.

The point I'm trying to make is get specific using terms, phrases, and ideas that your target audience will immediately relate to and fully understand.


And avoid using terms or words that are complex... try to keep the reading level down... I've head the best is something like a fifth grade reading level.

That's all I've got for now, I'm running out of time. I'll come back later possibly with more suggestions of the remainder of your copy.

(Oh and as for not having testimonials, here's what to do about that:

Explain your bargain of a price point is because you need feedback, but that the price will go up

Shoulder all the risk with a 90 day guarantee

Give a conditional guarantee like "If you can show me that you've put my tactics to use and WEREN'T able to get a paying student in X time, I'll even give you $20 of my own money for your time and effort"

and once you get sales and feedback plug in testimonials and raise the price as you promised you would.... these are just some suggestions for now... Good luck!)

Chris

Just noticed you have a FULL year guarantee and 110% money back guarantee, so my last bit of advice is a little off LOL

However, I would probably try rewording the 110% guarantee and use wording that implies giving CASH and maybe even put a picture of the money in your letter somewhere appropriate.

This is excellent stuff Sasha. I'm impressed that this is your first attempt.

Actually, I disagree with Ben and Joe on this one. Your personal story at the beginning does a good job of building empathy and identifying the problem. And that's what its job is.

The advice to focus on "you" is really just a way of shifting the writer's attention from selfish feature-driven copy to customer based benefit-driven copy. In this case, you and your target market are one in the same... so there is no need to fret over verbiage.

However, Ben is right about your headline. Far too generic.

You have a clearly defined market, but your headline is vague and general. Who isn't tired of working for somebody else? Make the headline reach out to employed tutors specifically. Remember - the headline only needs to grab the attention of the right market... nothing more.

Also, I get the impression that the reason somebody would want to read your e-book is because they'll make more money while doing the same amount of work.

However, this point is only implied. You've made a few weak allusions to it, but that's about it. I'd rework the body copy to make this point more explicit. It's a big selling point, and the prime advantage you've built your letter around. It deserves more stage time.

One other thing - DO you have any tutor friends you can get to review the book? Your personal experiences is a great proof point... but you need to work towards having a preponderance of proof (as the saying goes).

Your claims are already made. Now you just need to substantiate them. Remove any doubt in Joe the Tutor's mind that they can make more money following your advice.

Testimonials will help with this. So would weaving specific numbers into your copy (number of students, hours worked, months it took to find profitability, etc.).

Hope that helps, Sasha. Happy hunting.

Chris + Mr Galt,

Thank you so much for the feedback! That was extremely useful.

I'll work on the letter some more and incorporate those ideas.

Would it be alright to ask for another critique after I do some more editing?

--Sasha

I will definitely take a second look on any revisions and give you my thoughts... I'll try my best to give you useful opinions but it's up to you to take what's best and use the tips appropriately cause you know your market better than I do

As far as I can see, the number one issue with your sales page isn't your copy but your offer:

$97 for an ebook isn't cheap.

Especially when I can get a well-reviewed book like this:

Amazon.com: TUTORING: Complete Guide to a...

For less than $10.

And even if I bought a Kindle ($79) to view it on, I'm still coming out ahead.

For $97 you need to massively increase the value (both real and perceived) you're offering.

Hey Sasha -

Good work. You're moving in the right direction. Here's a few more ideas:

* Lay out your features before you move into the close. Right now, your close starts with the line "No, I will not charge you $1,000 for my experience..." They should know exactly what they're getting before you give them a price.

* Put page numbers next to each bullet point. Specifics, specifics.

* The headline is better, but too verbose to have much punch. Give it the Hemingway treatment. Make sure that each word is truly necessary and irreplaceable.

* The wording to your guarantee needs work. "I can guarantee that you won't waste money buying my book!" And I can guarantee that this line will be misinterpreted.

And don't say that you can't guarantee results. Have confidence in your offer. Guarantee it will work... and if you're wrong, you'll give them their money back.

* In that vein, you're entire close needs a revamp. Right now, you're selling from your heels.

You can see it in your guarantee. And you can especially see it with lines like, "Before you start thinking that $97 is too much..."

This is not the thought you want to put into your readers head. If you're still hesitant to ask for $97 by the close, it means you haven't justified the price yet, even in your own mind. You must establish that your offer is worth far more than $97... your prospect should never feel like "it's too much."

This is what Andrew was suggesting when he said to amp up your perceived value. There's a couple of ways to go about this. The most common is to pile on a bunch of bonuses. Free report this, free consultation that. Each bonus, of course, with the ubiquitous "Real price: $3,450. Today's price: FREE."

An easier way is to spend more time defining your product and its advantages. And, most of all, mountains of proof (which I suggested before).

Good luck Sasha! Keep us posted on your results.

EDIT: Andrew made more good points as I was writing this. The man speaks truth, and either approach is valid. Like I said above, bonuses work... but when you're selling a solution to a hungry market, reworking the copy will be easier.

I heard in a podcast once that one of the main issue with bad copy is its all about you when there are 2 things the reader wants to see and that's 1-What's in it for me and 2- What's in it for me right now! Keep this in mind because its so true. As much as your own life experience applies to what you're offering find a way to limit or eliminate if possible any personal experiences stories. Of course some may differ on this opinion but, just my 2 cents. Keep at it though.