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NewBie Copy writer needs frank critique

by gaptel
6 replies
«I will really appreciate your frank critique of these 2 sites

1. Sqeeze minisite Bilingual Immigrant Kids - Kids For Immigrant Parents Languages - index
2. Learn Yoruba In 27 Days -- Yoruba For Kids Abroad Software. Yoruba home study courses - home Part 1


Thanks
#copy #copy write #critique #critique my site #frank #newbie #web #writer
  • Profile picture of the author Alex Malave
    One quick thing I would fix... is having a visual hierarchy of where you want the eye to go.

    As soon as I go to your home page I get a bit dizzy. Have a headline and then go into your sub head, and then copy... you got too many colors, alignments, and colors going on in my opinion.

    Could make your prospect a bit dizzy.
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  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    "Who Else Wants To Rescue Their English Speaking Immigrant Children From Being Culturally Lost?"

    This is a mouthful.

    Did you know people sub-vocalize when they read?

    I write long sentences myself sometimes so I'm guilty too.

    Here with your headline let's trim the fat.
    I would use something like this:

    "Your Kids Are Losing Their Heritage!"

    "It's not as bad as cancers like drugs and gangs, but if your
    children don't learn the words and values of their people
    now, when will they?"
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    • Profile picture of the author TimSchaefer
      Want me to be frank?

      Wrong appeal. At least for selling a language product.

      You may be able to snare some people with the "Western culture is corrupting your youth and you're going to lose them forever" angle, but I'm glad I don't have them for parents.

      The main driver is not about them "losing their kids culturally" (whatever that means to the reader). It's about a fun way to spend family time with your kids by learning more about their native language and culture as they grow up in an English-speaking society.

      It's still important to note the frustration of trying to get their kids interested, and the fear that their history will be diluted, but that's something to help make your point, not to beat them over the head with.

      Perhaps I'm going out on a limb here, but if these are immigrant parents from a non-English speaking country... then wouldn't they already know their native tongue?

      So wouldn't it be great if they had some way to teach their kids this language too?

      I'd focus the report (and the selling of it) on how parents can quickly and easily get their kids interested in, and learning about, their own culture and language. Then, naturally introduce the product as the solution (since the report should really be a sales letter in disguise).

      The Yoruba site fit this better. The video demo is a big plus.

      Also, as mentioned, there's a bunch of visual clutter and a good deal of awkward sentences. Be aware of phrases and sayings that may not translate well. Stop capitalizing every word.

      There's lots more (like what's up with the 144 hour guarantee? seriously?), but I've already gone well beyond frank.




      I also find it a bit ironic the sites are in English.
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      Tim Schaefer - Direct Response Copywriter
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      • Profile picture of the author TiAndrine
        I looked at both sites, there is much about them that gets my attention and interests me...but it overall left me with too many quesitons for too long.

        I still don't know/understand what "Your Yoruba" means...things like this need to be more clear at the outset, or at least give me a clear path for to follow in understanding the use of terms like this on your site.


        Hope that helps,

        Tim
        "The Mastermind and Implementation Coach"
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    I agree that in the first link your headline is cumbersome. Also, will people understand what you mean by Culturally Lost? You might also want to run the questions through a grammar checking program. You have a couple of subject/verb errors.

    With that said, is there a market for saving someone's heritage? What would be the keywords you'd use to search for material like this?
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  • Profile picture of the author Article Writer
    The copy is too wide, that's the width of the copy. i need to take eyes from left to right while reading, better change it to a reader-eyes-friendly copy.

    I have seen all the well performing sales copy are small in width size.
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