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Critique and assistance appreciated

by marcos08
4 replies
Hey guys

I am in the early stages of trying to sort out a new product for a wso and outside of the forum, my mentors have advise me to see if anyone would be so kind enough whom are more familiar than I am with copywriting to please take a look at my starting effort and all helpful tips hints etc would be most appreciated

Here is the link

http://www.warriorforum.com/test-forum/526748-m1-test.html#post5467822


Again any assistance is welcome

Thanks very much in advance
#appreciated #assistance #critique
  • Profile picture of the author marc643
    Hey there I am no copywriter but thought I would give you some feedback as a customer, I have bought many wso, so will answer you as a customer.

    I feel some sentences don't make proper sense. Also when you introduce yourself and your husband the sentence breaks to the next line in the middle of what you are saying.

    part of your title
    How much would you pay if you were told that with
    our new product whether you are a Newbie or "Seasoned Newbie"
    should that not be "seasoned pro"?
    your second head a bit lower down you have spelt "your" wrong.

    If im honest I didnt read past your second red header and would never buy your product, hopefully some other warriors will be able to articulate what you need to do, but right now that launch would totally flop.
    you even refer to your customer as "guvnor".
    I scrolled down your offering it for free I still wouldnt take it.

    sorry just my thoughts, I read through my reply and see it does not offer much value to you and sounds a little rude so i apologise for that, it certainly isnt meant to be.
    You need to at least get the sentences to make proper sense, sorry for the poor help.
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    • Profile picture of the author marcos08
      Thanks Andrew, that goes to show that two WSO's I have purchased to help with sales copy are a bag of crap then as I have used tools from apparently esteemed warriors to help.

      Back to the drawing board

      Thanks again
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    • Profile picture of the author marcos08
      No I asked for a critique so I appreciate you took the time
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  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Hi Sharon,

    I see two big problems with your copy:

    1. The quality of writing is absolutely appalling, a few tips here will not change that.

    2. You don't offer any proof that you know what you're talking about.

    (And I guess a third problem could be that you really don't need all that copy just to give something away).

    Also, from a marketing point of view, I'd question running a free WSO.
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    Andrew Gould

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