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Critique My Salespage Round 2!

by gigabit_2
11 replies
Hi Everyone,

I recently updated my website copy and would love to hear what everyone thinks about it. I would love to hear your opinions on what I need to change.

My site can be found at Bartending Online Training Courses | Learn Online Bartender Course

I've changed all of the headlines and most of the copy since the last time I put it up for review.

I would really like to hear what is wrong with it now!

Thanks everyone!
#critique #round #salespage
  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    Your new headline is pretty good. The "who else" subshead
    stinks - it's verbose and confusing.

    All previous comments about fonts, colors, and layout still
    apply. At least split-test this page against a plain black-on-
    white salesletter. You might be surprised.

    Still short on detail here. You haven't worked in the social
    aspiration aspect of wanting to be a bartender: perceived
    popularity, good income, ease picking up dates or one-nighters,
    and so on. You need to be subtle with these sorts of benefits
    but they can really turn up the heat if you imply them.

    Here's one way to do it. This would be done with a photograph -
    you should be able to find a stock photo that fits:

    A handsome, masculine bartender pouring
    drinks for two very attractive ladies alone together at the
    bar after closing, their lips wet and the three of them
    chatting and laughing together. What will happen next?

    Cha-Ching.
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    • Profile picture of the author Kyle Tully
      Originally Posted by Loren Woirhaye View Post

      You haven't worked in the social
      aspiration aspect of wanting to be a bartender: perceived
      popularity, good income, ease picking up dates or one-nighters,
      and so on. You need to be subtle with these sorts of benefits
      but they can really turn up the heat if you imply them.
      Bingo!

      No one wants to learn how to make 200 drinks, even if they are "money making"... whatever that means.

      People want to be a bartender for the above reasons, plus the flexible schedule. It's very much a lifestyle job.

      I worked in bars & clubs for years (as a sound engineer) and the real party was always after the doors closed
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      • Profile picture of the author Kyle Tully
        Oh, and that white text on black background has to go. Swap them.
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        • Profile picture of the author gigabit_2
          Thanks Guys!

          I was actually going to test the black background/white text.

          Loren...do you think 1 picture can really make my site convey a sexy/money/awesome job making image?

          Where would you put this picture?

          Should something like this go on top of the page?

          Thanks for the comments guys... I'm gonna get this right eventually!
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          • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
            Originally Posted by gigabit_2 View Post


            Loren...do you think 1 picture can really make my site convey a sexy/money/awesome job making image?

            Where would you put this picture?

            Should something like this go on top of the page?
            Yes. I do. I've seen it done in cigarette and liquor advertising
            my whole life. Tapping into people's secret aspirations is what
            makes them choose one brand over another.

            I would put it at the top or, if you can find a tall, narrow version,
            at the side. Read liquor ads in magazines with a lot of ads
            to get an idea of how you can put text in the picture
            to sharpen the "mood".
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  • Profile picture of the author procopywriter
    Try this...

    Introducing The Lazy Man's Way To Bartending...

    Let Your iPod Tell You How To Mix 202 Of The
    Most Popular Mixed Drinks At The Push Of A Button.
    (No Reading Required.)

    Also, I'd like to point out an incongruency I noticed immediately. If you're "Announcing" this program, then how is it that the "Top Bars" use this to train people fast? (Which implies it's been around for awhile and is well-established.) If this is a true statement (and not marketing fluff), use a bit more specificity for an extra element of credibility.
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    Joshua Aaron Stanley, The 'Spiritual' Copywriter:
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    • Profile picture of the author milla
      Yeah what kyle said.
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      • Profile picture of the author gigabit_2
        Originally Posted by milla View Post

        Yeah what kyle said.
        Thanks Milla you solved all of my problems!
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    • Profile picture of the author gigabit_2
      Originally Posted by procopywriter View Post

      Try this...

      Introducing The Lazy Man's Way To Bartending...
      Wow...That is actually the tagline of one of my banner ads!

      You think I should use the aforementioned line instead of my Announcing... line?

      Or should I replace my second headline "Who else wants to save their time and hard earned money while learning faster than anyone else?"

      With the announcing thing I though that maybe I was trying to let everyone in on a secret that the top bars were using... any suggestions on how to word it better?
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      • Profile picture of the author procopywriter
        Originally Posted by gigabit_2 View Post

        Wow...That is actually the tagline of one of my banner ads!

        You think I should use the aforementioned line instead of my Announcing... line?

        Or should I replace my second headline "Who else wants to save their time and hard earned money while learning faster than anyone else?"

        With the announcing thing I though that maybe I was trying to let everyone in on a secret that the top bars were using... any suggestions on how to word it better?
        To answer the first question, yes. Although I think it would have more clarity if it said "Introducing The Lazy Man's Way To Becoming An Expert Bartender." Or something along those lines.

        Your second headline is awkward. Try replacing it with mine and see what happens. Also, you might consider putting the sample audio files immediately below the headline if you use my version.

        As for the "top bars" idea... it depends on whether it's actually a true statement. My impression was that it's fluff. But if it's indeed true, you should be much more specific: Which bars? Where? Is there one in particular (a well-know bar like Coyote Ugly, or something) that uses it? Adding specificity will make it more believable. Otherwise, just leave it out.

        If top bars do indeed use it (implying this has been out for awhile), and you can tell a great story relating to that, then you'll want to take a different approach in the headline and nix the "Introducing" bit.

        Hope that helps.
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        Joshua Aaron Stanley, The 'Spiritual' Copywriter:
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        • Profile picture of the author gigabit_2
          OK,

          It is fluff...But I do know at least 5 bartenders that work in Las Vegas bars/club that can give me some testimonials...Could I maybe work those in to give me more credibility?

          Or do you think I should get rid of that line all together?

          Originally Posted by procopywriter View Post

          To answer the first question, yes. Although I think it would have more clarity if it said "Introducing The Lazy Man's Way To Becoming An Expert Bartender." Or something along those lines.

          Your second headline is awkward. Try replacing it with mine and see what happens. Also, you might consider putting the sample audio files immediately below the headline if you use my version.

          As for the "top bars" idea... it depends on whether it's actually a true statement. My impression was that it's fluff. But if it's indeed true, you should be much more specific: Which bars? Where? Is there one in particular (a well-know bar like Coyote Ugly, or something) that uses it? Adding specificity will make it more believable. Otherwise, just leave it out.

          If top bars do indeed use it (implying this has been out for awhile), and you can tell a great story relating to that, then you'll want to take a different approach in the headline and nix the "Introducing" bit.

          Hope that helps.
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