Please, Critique My Page :)

Formatting is good. Where I start to have an issue is: WHY should I care about unlocking the power of my mind, and controlling my dreams?

The page never quite gets around to explaining this.

So I'm going to lucid dream effectively; so what?

While I see you've put a lot of time into this, unfortunately, it comes off as be rather disjointed and superficial.

In other words, the copy really doesn't pull you through the piece.

And I think you leave a lot unanswered, about how it works. What the supplement contains, etc.

I also think you could really romance the experience of lucid dreaming, with a story, an example or something.

As is, it's worth a test, but I'd be doubtful of conversions in any number.

I wish you the best of success.

- Rick Duris

What you need your page to do is not only convince me that I want to lucid dream, but also justify the expense of buying those pills for 30£. At present, I don't feel your page accomplishes this.

To reiterate on points previously raised, the purported "benefits" of lucid dreaming are vague and very cliche - as NickN said, you need to be able to tell us how it will achieve these things. For a quick example, you could say something along the lines of "Lucid Dreaming gives you the power to visualise your fears, and by learning to deal with them in the safety of your own dreams, you will be more than prepared to face them in the real world!". That would go some way to justifying your 3rd point.

You really need to explain a bit more about the Lucid Dreaming phenomenon, in addition to describing why I want to be able to do this. A story describing an experience with lucid dreaming, as Rick suggested, would really help to get readers thinking about the possibilities, and could help get a few extra conversions.

On another note, your page's title doesnt really catch my attention much at all, so it might be worth doing some work on that - perhaps get a graphic designer to make you a nice header banner. Additionally, your banner widget promoting the "free ebook" only has a single graphic, making it somewhat redundant.

Nevertheless, good luck with your page, and I hope at the very least you've gained some good copy experience from it

Thanks guys - great feedback, I'll make a start on the amends!

Robert,

Your page looks nice .. Here are few suggestions and tips that might help you

(1) Test your page - Even if you bring up a sales letter by Dan S. Kennedy or any-other great copywriter people will still find flaws with it.

So the real test is conversions and how users interact with your page.

Send your page some targeted traffic and check that out. Also using something like Mouseflow.com will give you a complete recording of all the users visits and how they interact with you page. What they clicked, areas they focused , etc ,etc. Which can be a GOLD MINE ..

(2) Don't trust every-word a Copywriter tells you - Well most clients don't come and share their stats with the copywriters they work with. There are only a HANDFUL of copywriters who command revenue sharing deals , and they are the only ones who TRULY KNOW what works and what doesn't . So most copywriters are giving out their opinion mixed with some general copy writing advice (This was said to me by a copywriter I worked with).

So in reality only you can know for sure if changing a heading, text or color increases the conversions. (No offenses meant to any copywriters in here)

One witty solution could be to evaluate leading landing pages in the similar niche and find the patterns common among them

(3) Put up an exit pop and give away a free book , video or something related to your product. The email signup at the bottom of the page should be on the exit pop page.

(4) Example >>

NutraScience - Targeted Weight Loss

I think you could find several such examples of good landing pages in your niche. Also because you are selling unproven, unknown product it might be harder to sell Vs something time tested. The second issue is you are CREATING A NEW NEED vs solving an existing problem.

ie: Lucid Dreams to solve all the problems vs we have a solution for Claustrophobia

(5) Related to last point .. You don't explain the benefits well enough .. (I think someone pointed that out)

(6) Testimonials for a product such as this are not good enough... Some Medical Studies or something authoritative will certainly help. Also video testimonials are always better ..

(7) Tabbed display of contents doesn't work all that well with sales page (tested!) It stops the flow of the readers, gives them more time to think + pause and decide NOT TO purchase your product.

You could push it to the very bottom but successful sales page across the spectrum seldom use tabbed display of content..

(8) Testing is the only way to know for sure. Even for a HIGHLY Experienced copywriters with a Black Belt in the art of sales.

Hope all this info helps .. You should try to emulate this type of sales page (this is what works for supplements industry..well mostly) NutraScience - Targeted Weight Loss

Thanks - that's great feedback.

I've actually now updated the page, so it's got a bit of a story, and hopefully is generally a bit better.

I totally agree about testing, and for that reason I'm going to leave the tabs in for now. My rationale being that the content in the second to fourth tabs is only there to handle certain objections and honestly I'd rather users didn't read it and just went down the page.

I do agree about having scientific backup - there's actually quite a lot of that out there so I'll drop some in.

Lastly, the page you have linked to is great, but getting a proper design like this is a bit out of my budget range at the moment. If this works I'll certainly invest!

Thanks!

some suggestions:
Make the copy crisp
change the font
Tabbed content for me is a big no-no when describing important element of a sales copy. I will not enjoy breaking the flow
signature looks artificial and it should come at the end of the sales copy and not in the middle of it.

Hi Robert.
I only read your page as a potential customer and not a professional copywriter.

1.The whole "accidently took a mixture of supplements" made me think "yeh right!" I' not saying that isn't possible but, how do you accidently take a mixture of pills? I think you need to explain this in more detail.

2. That is some bold statement about learning jiu jitsu in your sleep.

3. I need a lot more proof before I'm getting my wallet out.

4. Is this Legal?

5. What happend to your movie script?

It all seems a bit unbelievible to me.( hope that's not too harsh)

I realise I'm not part of your target audience so this piece of copy is not aimed at me.

Have you found a forum for lucid dreaming? Check out what the people on there love(benifits) about lucid dreaming and perhaps offer some of your supplement for them to try and then you may get some more testimonials.

Is it possible to expand on the research carried out by those scientist's you mention?..It is highly unlikely i'm going to check it out myself and if i do I have to leave your site and i may not come back again.

I know acetycholine has something to do with memory but what does it have to do with Lucid dreaming? Can you explain this some more?

well that's what popped up in my head as a potential purchaser of this product.

Good luck

Martin

I may be kind of late coming into this, but from what I can tell from the responses you received, it looks like you haven't made any changes to your page. So either this was an attempt to get a link to your website, or somehow you are getting customers with your wild claims and thus didn't bother to make any changes. Although the format, layout and graphics look great, I agree with others when they say the content is a little flighty. Especially when it comes to the claim of taking an accidental mixture of supplements, as Martin says, "yeh right!".

R-

First up, congrats. You've got version 1.0
up and running. May not be doing so well
now, but concentrate on the fact that
everything from here should be an increase
or improvement on current conversion and
profitability.

The only way from here is up.

Here's what to do now:

1- Spend some time looking at salespages
for other supplements. Look at 15-20, if
you can find them. The closer they are to
your market, the better.

Make a note (literally, on paper) of anything
they're all doing - angles they're taking, the
way the pages are laid out, things like that.
If you see all of them, or even a few of them
doing something, chances are it's for a reason,
and you should think about how you can apply
it to your page. With all due respect, any changes
you make at this point are unlikely to make your
results any worse - and that's okay, because
that's what version 1.0 is for.

2- Spend a couple of hours re-writing your
headline. It's the most valuable part of your
page, and should stop people in their tracks
and shake them out of their stupor du jour.

Your headline doesn't do that. It's kind of
wishy-washy and doesn't give away anything
specific. In fact, it reeks a little bit like a
vacuous Madison Avenue slogan instead
of being a direct response headline, which is
what you want and will be a lot more effective.

The rest of the page isn't great, but a new
headline alone could make a difference to your
bottom line here.

Google "how to write a good headline" or
something like that for some tips. Alternatively
I have a good report on headlines I sometimes
give my clients - shoot me a PM and I'll send
you a copy. It will help.

There's plenty more I could help with, but that's
about all I have time for.

Good luck with it.

-David Raybould

"Snake-Oil pure and simple. You're headed for trouble" was my original comment. But looking further into it, it's probably OK. See my comments further down.

Well the product is amazing, but it seems something fantasy. i guess you should focus on reviews from some more people because it is hard to make people believe about such products without reviews. Good Luck

Dietary supplement - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Under "The Formula" on Marshall Supplements site they say -
There's also a breakdown of ingredients. Its mostly Phosphatidyl Serine (250mg). Also Alpha GPC 126.6mg, Vitamin B6 (Pyridoxine Hcl) 9.15mg, Guarana Extract 25.25mg, Tryptophan 125mg and Gingko Biloba 50:1 31.mg.

Phosphatidylserine is used for Alzheimer's disease and Dementia but the FDA says So on that basis I've just ordered a crate of Marshall Supplements' "Dream Extreme".

Much more fun than the main discussion board

Hey Mal...how's it going, mate?

Steve

Hi R,

Great website!

You're doing a lot of things right.

My tip would be to add a call to action above the fold, or at least to make your slidding image bar above the fold.

Right now when I go to your page, the image bar is cut by the fold.

That doesn't help in delivering your message.

Adding a call to action above the fold usually lifts response.

GOod luck!

Carl

Agree 100 % with Mark on his observations ..

On a related issue ... Isn't everyone selling Snake Oil these days ?? Most people are just selling old wine in shiny new bottles with excellent marketing ...

This product is indeed total BS but isn't then Tim Ferris's 4 Hour Body ??? But it's still on the top seller list ...

You wouldn't take any untested med / advice. Mostly it takes years (sometimes decades) for pharma companies to develop a new effective drug and doctors countless hours of work and research to come to make new findings ...

Yet somehow these writers with no background in Health (some even don't know the B of biology) make remarkable discoveries which are destined to transform our lives ... These advice from new age Quacks can be as dangerous as taking these un-tested pills , yet we all as a society embrace this new age Quacks for some reason..

I understand that I am getting a little off topic but this is the Meat of the discussion that Mark & Mal have raised...

If these pills are TOTAL BS then so are the countless books by Authors who have absolutely no clue as to the basics of human physiology. These Authors can be found both Online and Offline selling their stuff with the aid of some excellent marketing and copywriting ...

And I am sure Both Mark and Mal would gladly lend their services to help sell a weight loss program ... Right ??

This product looks and sounds too scary...I am far from being convinced by whatever is written on the site!