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Newbie Sale Letter/Page Question

by BryanZ
6 replies
Hello fellow warriors,

I've tried advertising on google and facebook but never got any sales. all of my 7 sales in the past month or so has been from people that found my product in the cb market or from people that watched my free demo video on youtube.

My question is: Is there something I need to fix in my sales page so it can start converting better and actually making some sales. I would love to get some feedback and suggestions. Thanks in advance!

Bryan Z.

Sale Page Link
#letter or page #newbie #question #sale
  • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
    Banned
    Your deck is screaming loud and clear...

    "I'm full of BS. I'm 100% assuredly - absolutely - full of crap."


    Mark Andrews
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    I think you have something pretty cool here.

    I NEVER sit down to write unless I'm in an extremely confident mood.

    And when I listened to the first part of your video and read a little of your copy, I didn't GET your confidence.

    However...

    Part of that is because your copy is riddled with clunky sentences.

    The first sentence in your video is a horrible run-on statement.

    Big NO-NO!

    You need to hire someone to go through the page and re-organize it.

    It just doesn't HIT enough emotional triggers.

    It's too much about you...

    ...And not nearly enough about the person who is going to buy it.

    "You CAN'T Achieve Greatness in Your Life - Financially, Romantically or Spiritually - Unless You KNOW HOW TO FEEL Effortlessly CONFIDENT!"

    Also...

    Your blog site is a mess.

    I love the Striking theme and you're NOT getting out of it what you REALLY can.

    Create a direct response tone on that site.

    It's not worth having up the way it is right now...

    Mark
    Signature

    Do you want a 9 figure copywriter and biz owner to Write With You? I'll work with you, on zoom, to help write your copy or client copy... while you learn from one of the few copywriters to legit hit 9 figures in gross sales! Discover More

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    • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
      Banned
      As an add on to my rather brutal critique above, I would strongly suggest you introduce a storyline very quickly into the lead in Bryan.

      Distract the attention away from you to another person to whom the reader can more readily relate to through personal experience.

      Create empathy. Resonance. Cohesive thinking. Equality with the reader. So you're both on the same par. Approach this from a level playing field.

      At the moment you're running a huge risk creating division or divisive thinking. An us and them attitude. You have it / your audience (target market) does not. Split thinking with little chance of bridging the gap.

      What at the moment is the one core emotion your stirring up in the deck of your copy? Jealousy maybe? How about envy? Is this / are these the emotions you want to bring to the surface by the current choice of wording in your introduction?

      Have a think about that one.

      You see...

      Words, especially in copywriting (which is afterall salesmanship-in-print) is all about building bridges or connection points to the mindset of your target audience. You want your readers to feel connected to the single core emotion you are trying to bring to the surface within their mind.

      When they (your readers) feel connected to your sales message, they'll more likely agree with you and will want to buy from you. Do keep this in mind.

      Introduce a third person into your storyline and you take away the feeling of competition. Introduce a storyline using a neutral person and your readers will, more than likely, be able to relate strongly to the individual seeing this person as a potential mirror image of themselves. If you do this you should see your conversion rate rise.

      Next, you simply segment the storyline further down within the body of your copy to maintain the readers heightened sense of interest and ownership in the one core emotion you are trying to convey. In other words you can use the storyline as a connector.

      The longer they stay on your page the chances increase of you making the sale.

      Best,


      Mark Andrews
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  • Profile picture of the author BryanZ
    Thank you both for the feedback, like I said I'm a newbie here and all the feedback is highly appreciated.

    Mark you brought some valid points and thanks for taking a look at my blog as well. I believe in the product 100% as a matter of fact I just got an email from someone and it said how much it had changed his life already, I've now gotta get more work done on how its presented and sold.

    All the best,

    Bryan
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  • Profile picture of the author ProfJannes
    Some things to keep in mind:
    - the reader wants you to talk about him, not you
    - they do not actually want to read, so do not start of your video with text
    - the rest of your page looks likes text from a ebook or guide, write shorter sented, with some bullets, bold text and bullets
    - getting some reviews will also increase your credibility

    ~ Jannes
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    • Profile picture of the author opt in
      A note on Facebook traffic,

      Most of the traffic in Facebook are not in a buying mode mindset, they are looking for something to do or something to have fun with while they are bored in their Facebook page.

      Products that works well in Facebook is, for example, cheap (1$ trials) or free game trials.

      If you want to monetize Facebook traffic, go with a 1$ or free trial of some kind where they can interact with an interactive part of your product. Than use your auto-responder to send them a few good content emails to up your reputation in your niche and money (sales) emails linked to your sales page within 20 days after they subscribed to your trial.

      Cheers

      David
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