Critique my headline please : )

15 years ago

Wordy. Do something like.
The secret to natural beauty is a new organic compound so pure you can sleep with it.

Or
The secret to natural beauty is sleeping with nature.

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Alida Caprucean

15 years ago

I'm not an expert but you may want to use a shorter version as a headline.

Organic makeup for your natural beauty.

Or something like that. Just play with your words.

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Ross Dalangin

15 years ago

How about:

"Discover The Secret To Looking Beautifully Natural And So Pure That You Can Sleep In It!"

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jaijav29

15 years ago

For me, not an expert too, but consider revising it. or make it short but attracting! Hope I helped.

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FitJerk

15 years ago

"A New Organic Makeup So Pure You Can Look Beautiful Even While You Sleep In It"

How's that? I think it says everything it needs to without being too long. You may want to put a subhead with the benefits of this natural make up.

So, will it make me look pretty..er? =P

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John Rowe

15 years ago

Originally Posted by jdmitchell

"The Secret To Looking Beautifully Natural Is A New Organic Makeup So Pure You Can Sleep In It"

What does your customer base want most? Beauty, organic/natural makeup, the ability to sleep in their makeup, or something else like clear skin, healthy skin, less wrinkles, etc.

If you narrow it down, it may be easier for you to write a headline that attracts your ideal customer.

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2 replies

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SuperSammi 15 years ago

How about... "Pure Organic Makeup for Natural Beauty!" "Mineral Makeup Beautifies, Even As You Sleep" or "Pure Organic Makeup With Beautifying Minerals- Wear To Bed For A Nighttime Facial!" :rolleyes: Makes me want some anyway
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iBerry

15 years ago

Originally Posted by John Rowe

What does your customer base want most? Beauty, organic/natural makeup, the ability to sleep in their makeup, or something else like clear skin, healthy skin, less wrinkles, etc.

If you narrow it down, it may be easier for you to write a headline that attracts your ideal customer.

I agree with this. I would look more at the outcome that the customer wants. If its clear skin then emphasize the clear skin that can be achieved even when you sleep in your make-up.

Thanks

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nata_sha

15 years ago

Make it more concise, like

"Look Beautifully Natural using our New Organic Makeup - So Pure You Can Sleep In It"

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Nikoka2005

15 years ago

For me is a good title.

thanks

Thanks

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procopywriter

15 years ago

Originally Posted by jdmitchell

"The Secret To Looking Beautifully Natural Is A New Organic Makeup So Pure You Can Sleep In It"

It's a bit wordy. First, "Beautifully Natural" give me pause because it's awkward. It's not a common use of the word. "Beautifully" is an adverb. As such, it modifies a verb. For example, you can "perform beautifully". But "look beautifully natural" is awkward, particularly in print. At a glance I expect it to simply say "The Secret to Looking Beautiful". When it doesn't, it gives me pause, and the momentum is broken.

Second... you're giving away the "secret" in the headline! Kind of defeats the purpose of using the word "secret".

Third, "so pure you can sleep in it" sounds like a generic, trite slogan to me. Try to be more specific. I like the concept behind it--usually makeup has to be taken off at night. But what do you mean by "pure"? And is the ability to sleep with makeup what really appeals to your ideal buyers?

Other comments...

This is a new product. Consider using the word "Introducing" to add an element of newsworthiness.

Look for a compelling "hook". What ingredients are in the makeup? What are their benefits? How is it made? Has anyone famous used it or endorsed it? Are any doctors or people of authority recommending it? What makes it different from other organic makeup? (Your buyers will likely know of other brands and will be comparing. You must have a compelling USP, and you may even consider stating it in the headline.)

Aaron

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jdmitchell 15 years ago

Thanks guys! Advice is so appreciated. Awesome. Aaron, you are the man. I will revise, and play around and let you guys know what comes of it.

Thanks again,

JD.
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It Does
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David.Beckman

15 years ago

Originally Posted by procopywriter

It's a bit wordy. First, "Beautifully Natural" give me pause because it's awkward. It's not a common use of the word. "Beautifully" is an adverb. As such, it modifies a verb. For example, you can "perform beautifully". But "look beautifully natural" is awkward, particularly in print. At a glance I expect it to simply say "The Secret to Looking Beautiful". When it doesn't, it gives me pause, and the momentum is broken.

Second... you're giving away the "secret" in the headline! Kind of defeats the purpose of using the word "secret".

Third, "so pure you can sleep in it" sounds like a generic, trite slogan to me. Try to be more specific. I like the concept behind it--usually makeup has to be taken off at night. But what do you mean by "pure"? And is the ability to sleep with makeup what really appeals to your ideal buyers?

Other comments...

This is a new product. Consider using the word "Introducing" to add an element of newsworthiness.

Look for a compelling "hook". What ingredients are in the makeup? What are their benefits? How is it made? Has anyone famous used it or endorsed it? Are any doctors or people of authority recommending it? What makes it different from other organic makeup? (Your buyers will likely know of other brands and will be comparing. You must have a compelling USP, and you may even consider stating it in the headline.)

Aaron

I think Aaron has killed the answer here - great content my friend!

Thanks

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jasondinner

15 years ago

how bout this one:

"A New Organic Makeup So Pure You Can Sleep In It"

Just get right to the point and is more like an announcement style headline.

John Caples spoke highly of them in his "Testing Advertising Methods"

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Rus Sells

15 years ago

Organic Makeup So Pure, No Removal Needed Before Bed Time so Start Looking Beautiful Naturally

maybe???

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janet444 15 years ago

I like Jason Dinner's best.
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ARSuarez

15 years ago

I was thinking something simple, such as "The Secret to Your Natural Beauty" or

"They Smiled When I Was Natural... But Not When I Became a Beauty!" Jason mentioned the amazing Caples... I could not resist. However, looking over it now... it's much better than I had thought.

If you would like to implement "secret," just make sure your headline has an "edge."

Or, "At Last! A Makeup To Help You Unlock Your Natural Beauty"

Regards,

Angel

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prashie91

15 years ago

how about this...

When Beauticians "Feel Ugly"This Is What They Do.

hope this helps you

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FreelanceSally

15 years ago

Consumers react to concision. If it's too long, no one will hang in there long enough to read the entire message.

Try....

The Secret to "Natural" Beauty? Innovative Organic Makeup

The Secret to "Natural" Beauty: Organic Makeup So Pure You Can Sleep In It

If you want to go a bit more mainstream and edgy, try...

Meet Your Organic Knight In Shining Armor: "Product Name"

Hope this helps.

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Shakul

15 years ago

How about converting a headline into some question?

Thanks

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Velrajan Thangavelu

15 years ago

For me it's looking good..

Thanks

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lorrainelim

15 years ago

@FreelanceSally: I like this one: The Secret to "Natural" Beauty: Organic Makeup So Pure You Can Sleep In It

My recommendation: Organic Makeup: My Secret to Looking Naturally Beautiful (the sales page should contain a story or something) hope this helps! =)

Thanks

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samxxx

15 years ago

good point

Thanks
1 reply

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Raydal 15 years ago

Originally Posted by samxxx

good point

These is considered forum SPAM-- just some 1 liners to increase post count!!

You can get banned for this.

-Ray Edwards
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Critique my headline please : )

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