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What's wrong with my copy?

by Joe.
7 replies
Hi there, just had my first go at sales copy. Has anyone got any suggestions on how to improve it? Please be as harsh as possible, I can take it :p Sugarcoating won't help me improve

goo.gl/j2tC2

Thanks in advance!

P.S. The Free Guide & Contact pages aren't working, all the others are though
P.P.S. I'm probably gonna change the "Get in touch" link at the bottom to an image link.
#copy #wrong
  • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
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    • Profile picture of the author Joe.
      Hi there, I did have a look through that before posting, the only things I could find wrong with the copy were:

      Give the reader multiple chances to take action. (This is guaranteed not to be the first page they come to. Which means there's already been options to take action along the way. Plus, the copy's not too long.)

      Johnson boxes. Use them. (While I know they're great for a lot of things, I felt in this particular instance it would look cheap.)

      Use supporting images, not attention grabbing images (the focus should be on the content, not the images) (didn't think it was too necessary since the copy's fairly short)

      Correct me if I'm wrong

      EDIT: this as well: Offer a guarantee (I know it's best practice, and will boost conversions, and the majority won't be cheap and ask for refunds, but yeah, I'm afraid I'm not gonna offer that.)

      -Joe
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  • Profile picture of the author Mel White
    Some grammatical notes, here:
    "Instead of sitting at your business, waiting for the phone to ring, that phone is constantly ringing." -- rewrite that (at least change the first comma to "and" (sitting at your business and waiting for))

    " searching for phrases relating to your business. No matter what sector you’re in, it’s pretty safe to say that multiple potential customers have searched for terms relating to your business."
    That's ineffective phrasing. Two sentences are doing the job of one, and all it does is add to the word count and make eyeballs glaze over.

    "Your site isn’t ranking for these phrases. It’s probably sitting a few pages back. In fact, the only term it’s likely ranking for is its own name. Does that sound like a good form of advertising? Sitting back, and hoping people have already heard about your business enough to Google the name?"
    The first three sentences can be combined to one. The second two can be combined and be much more dynamic and immediate.

    You're not branding early enough (mentioning the name "Rapid Rank" early enough in your sales copy.

    ...etc.
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    • Profile picture of the author Joe.
      Originally Posted by Mel White View Post

      Some grammatical notes, here:
      "Instead of sitting at your business, waiting for the phone to ring, that phone is constantly ringing." -- rewrite that (at least change the first comma to "and" (sitting at your business and waiting for))

      " searching for phrases relating to your business. No matter what sector you’re in, it’s pretty safe to say that multiple potential customers have searched for terms relating to your business."
      That's ineffective phrasing. Two sentences are doing the job of one, and all it does is add to the word count and make eyeballs glaze over.

      "Your site isn’t ranking for these phrases. It’s probably sitting a few pages back. In fact, the only term it’s likely ranking for is its own name. Does that sound like a good form of advertising? Sitting back, and hoping people have already heard about your business enough to Google the name?"
      The first three sentences can be combined to one. The second two can be combined and be much more dynamic and immediate.

      You're not branding early enough (mentioning the name "Rapid Rank" early enough in your sales copy.

      ...etc.
      Thanks very much, fixing now Original reason for splitting sentences into 2 shorter sentences was to increase the reading ease, but I ended up repeating myself.
      P.S. any suggestions on how to add the Rapid Rank bit earlier on? The reason I left it a bit late was to wait until the desire stage. Do you think I should move the whole "why me" section up?

      Thanks

      EDIT:fixed.
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  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Hi Joe,

    Your biggest issue is that your message is lacking clarity, cohesion and focus:

    You don't follow up on your headline... you start talking about testing with direct mail... you go on to paid traffic (and even a 2nd class stamp's more than 30p now)... you don't define your offer...

    It seems like you're just throwing random thoughts at me.

    I'd start again, but before you begin writing, plan out your sales argument. Start from where your prospect is when he lands on your sales page and take him to where accepting your offer is a "no-brainer".

    And for your testimonial I'd put a transcript, or at least the highlights, underneath. Because you're using it as a video you might as well put the transcript on the screen while he talks.

    EDIT: For anyone cautious about clicking a shortened URL, you can just add a "+" to the end of any Google shortened one to see the real URL and some basic analytics.
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    Andrew Gould

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    • Profile picture of the author Joe.
      Originally Posted by Andrew Gould View Post

      Hi Joe,

      Your biggest issue is that your message is lacking clarity, cohesion and focus:

      You don't follow up on your headline... you start talking about testing with direct mail... you go on to paid traffic (and even a 2nd class stamp's more than 30p now)... you don't define your offer...

      It seems like you're just throwing random thoughts at me.

      I'd start again, but before you begin writing, plan out your sales argument. Start from where your prospect is when he lands on your sales page and take him to where accepting your offer is a "no-brainer".

      And for your testimonial I'd put a transcript, or at least the highlights, underneath. Because you're using it as a video you might as well put the transcript on the screen while he talks.

      EDIT: For anyone cautious about clicking a shortened URL, you can just add a "+" to the end of any Google shortened one to see the real URL and some basic analytics.
      Thanks very much, really big help.

      I got a bit stuck on what to talk about - as I offer both SEO & PPC, so I ended up selling both. Do you think I should just sell on the SEO (my main offering, and what I'm best at) in the letter?

      And yeah, lemme get down to writing the plan again, and I'll report back when I've done that

      And kk, I'll transcribe the audio.

      Thanks again
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      • Profile picture of the author KC-Coop
        Originally Posted by Joe. View Post

        Thanks very much, really big help.

        I got a bit stuck on what to talk about - as I offer both SEO & PPC, so I ended up selling both. Do you think I should just sell on the SEO (my main offering, and what I'm best at) in the letter?

        And yeah, lemme get down to writing the plan again, and I'll report back when I've done that

        And kk, I'll transcribe the audio.

        Thanks again
        I'd sell what you're best at first - and close the deal on that. If they start asking about PPC then you can talk to them about it individually. Once you've sold them on SEO and proven your results, you can also add PPC into the mix. An excited and happy customer is a lot easier to close on new offerings.
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