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Could you please critique my first sales letter?

by David Maschke
3 replies
Hey Folks,

I've just written my first full-blown sales letter, and I'm ready to start
the editing phase.

The only problem is I can't be objective about it.

On a scale of 1 to ten, I'd say my skills are at about 2. Just so you know what skill level you're talking to.

The product is a couple of small addons to Mike Filsaime's butterfly script.

A problem I ran into is making the reader want the script in the first place, it's not a very popular script and many people don't even know it exists.
So I had do educate the reader what the butterfly script could do for them before I started talking about my product.

Right off the bat I know I have to do a recap of what the customer gets, and I have to add a lot of emotion to it. It's dryer than my grandpa's bald scalp.

MemberClone Essentials with Master Resale Rights by David Maschke

Also, I'm not good at moving from one subject to another very well.

Any advice and feedback would be greatly appreciated. Just remember, I'm NOT a writer and nowhere near the skill level you guys are.

Thanks,
David Maschke
#letter #make #sales #sense
  • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
    Banned
    I've not looked at it David but given your own thoughts about this, just out of interest knowing you want this to convert well, why aren't you simply employing the services of another copywriter here?

    Seems to me this would be your problem solved. No?

    Best,


    Mark Andrews
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    • Profile picture of the author videolover7
      The headline is not congruent with the product.

      The headline makes a big promise about building and selling membership sites. The product was created to solve three problems with the Butterfly software.

      If there's a connection, the sales letter doesn't make it clear.

      And the story about hiring the world's top programmer fits into the "who cares" category. Customers expect software to work... they could care less who wrote it.

      VL
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  • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
    Takes too long to figure out what the offer is and what the bottom line benefit will be if I buy.

    I'd click the back button before trying to figure it out.

    People on the internet want instant gratification. Picture your customer with their cursor on the back button, ready to click way instantly if they don't see exactly what they want to see in the first three or four seconds.
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