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Need help with landing page

by Chris Cho
4 replies
I was making a killing with facebook customized fan page so we decided to put up an actual landing page to launch an ad.

But facebook just had this big change with the timeline and we can't no longer sell our customized fan page. But we didn't let that stop us.

We've already got couple clients for the timeline design and I was wondering if you guys can help...

1. check out the landing page
2. see how I can improve it and change it more tailor to the timeline change.

http://philadelphiaseo.org/samples/F...ndingPage2.jpg

Thanks,
Chris
#landing #page
  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    1. You need to proofread. You switch back and forth between the UK and American spelling of customize. If I caught that with my early morning eyes (before my coffee), there's probably more I didn't see.

    2. (Too many parentheticals for my tastes).

    3. I get what you're trying to do with the jokes and the humor, but something about it is reading rather flat.

    4. The language could use some tightening.

    5. You should probably address business owners' concerns about timeline and the upcoming 3/30/12 changes to business pages before people have to ask you about it.

    Hopefully that helps. It's all I've got at this hour.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
    Banned
    Who wrote your main headline and positioned it way below the fold?

    "Learn How You Can Be An Internet Rockstar,
    And Have Millions Of People Chasing You
    Down The Street For An Autograph!"

    Is this your biggest benefit Chris? I doubt it.

    Is this the one core emotion you want to stir up with your main headline? Again, I highly doubt it.

    What emotion do you think this main headline is stirring up? Curiosity? Intrigue? Once again, I personally doubt it.

    I think people reading your headline are just going to get confused when they read down below and they'll be thinking to themselves...

    ...what does that main headline above have to do with what I'm reading now further down below? Does this person actually understand what my real frustration and pain is right now or not?

    I suspect the later. And out they click quick.


    Mark Andrews
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  • Profile picture of the author alfid
    Some parts of the copy seem to have no connection with the product. You should consider what are the real needs of people who wants to buy a product to customize facebook fan pages.
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