Ski Champion game app description

by nicolasgb

Posted: 12 years ago 11 replies

COPY WRITING

Hello everyone!

This is my first post on these forums, although I have been lurking in the shadows for a while.

Could you help with a critique for my copy?

I need to write a description for an iPhone game on the App Store. The game was developped by my company, Majaka, and it is called "Ski Champion". Some notes of context: it's a free to download app, currently under review at Apple. It should be available on the App Store within a week or two

Below is the copy I came up with -in no small part thanks to the help of the sticky checklist.

It should also be noted that I am not a native English speaker. Happy to help out with French copy though

Thanks in advance!
Nicolas

-------------------------

EDIT : UPDATED DESCRIPTION

Bomb down epic slopes and become a true ripper !

Hit the trail and pass through every gate ! Win medals, beat your friends’ times and challenge the World Record to claim bragging rights.

Do YOU have what it takes to be the Ski Champion ? Find out now … for FREE !

- EASY TO PICK UP, HARD TO MASTER
Addictive, intuitive gameplay
Sharp, responsive tilt controls
Brush past gates and save precious bonus seconds
Drift, carve or cruise ... but don’t face plant into a tree or you’ll pull a yard sale!

- TAKE THE CHALLENGE
Game Center-enabled
Challenge the World Record and take down your posse’s best times right from within the app
Unlock every slope by winning Bronze, Silver and Gold medals

- EXPERIENCE THE THRILL
Schuss boom down the fall line of 14 unique slopes
Carve your way through the cosy Station resort, the gnarly Ice Canyon, the high altitude Glacier or the olympic Special Slalom
Enter the select few to ever reach the ultimate abandoned “Ghost” slope

Put on the tight outfits and start taking down records, download Ski Champion now !

-------------------------------

INITIAL DESCRIPTION before kind feedback

The best ski game on the App Store !

Hit the slopes and race downhill as fast as you can! Win medals, beat your friends’ times and challenge the World Record.

Can YOU be the Ski Champion ? Find out now … for FREE !

- EASY TO PICK UP, HARD TO MASTER
Addictive, accessible tilt gameplay
Brush past gates and save precious seconds... but careful not to crash!
Realistic feel of mass and inertia

- TAKE THE CHALLENGE
Game Center-enabled
See the World Record and your Friends’ best times right from within the app
Win Bronze, Silver and Gold medals to unlock every slope

- EXPERIENCE THE THRILL
Race across 14 unique slopes
Speed through environments ranging from the cosy Station to the Ice Canyon, the high altitude Glacier to the olympic Special Slalom ... and even the ultimate “Ghost” slope !

Get Ski Champion now and start racing !

#app #champion #description #game #ski

JoshClick

12 years ago

nicolasgb,

Actually I think this is a pretty decent piece of copy. It just needs some minor tweaking. I would pay especially careful attention to word choice since you have a very short amount of time to get those ADD iDevice users to buy your app.

Firstly, that first line... I've seen in in so many different apps. I've pretty much become blind to that claim, wasting valuable space before the break. Check out some other successful apps to see what they're saying for the first few lines. Here's something from Draw Something: "Experience for yourself the laugh-out-loud game your friends are raving about!"

Now to word choice...

Instead of "Can YOU be the Ski Champion," I'd recommend something more along the lines of "Do you have what it takes to be the Ski Champion". It offers more of a challenge.

What do you mean by "accessible"? Do you mean easy to use/learn? Try "intuitive" or something along those lines.

Instead of "realistic feel of mass an....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" *wipe off drool*
Yah... it could be more intriguing. Describe how it feels like you're actually skiing when you play, like... "feel the twists and turns..." (You can do something better than that)

Guess what. I don't care if I can see all the records in the world. Challenge them again here! Challenge them to BEAT the record and their friends!

For the next line, put "unlock every slope" before the "win bronze silver and gold." Make it sound more exciting once again!

Change "race" to something less generic. Use VISCERAL details. Make them want to experience it!

Either get rid of "environments ranging from", which is just filler, or make a claim about how detailed and beautiful the environments are (unless they're not)

Finally, that last line is a relatively weak call to action. This is something I pulled form Mass Effect on the app store: "Crush Cerberus and shape the future of the galaxy. The outcome depends on YOU in Mass Effect: Infiltrator" Now THAT is something that makes you want to play and is a lot more powerful than "buy this game and play it plox"

Hope this helps. Don't take my criticism personally

Josh Click

P.S. I hope you integrate the copy into the preview images. Personally, I like looking at those and I'm sure ADD gamers would rather look at pretty pictures than tap "More" and read the rest of the copy. Without good images, the sale is pretty much lost. The copy seals the deal.

[ 1 ] Thanks
1 reply

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weheartcontent

12 years ago

Originally Posted by JoshClick

nicolasgb,
Instead of "realistic feel of mass an....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" *wipe off drool*
Yah... it could be more intriguing. Describe how it feels like you're actually skiing when you play, like... "feel the twists and turns..." (You can do something better than that)

Guess what. I don't care if I can see all the records in the world. Challenge them again here! Challenge them to BEAT the record and their friends!

This was what I was going to say. I think it would be a good idea to add something like you know, how some people have failed to beat this level or reach a certain amount of points and you challenge people to do it.

And Josh is right about the first line being too common in descriptions of other apps too. By now, I am already desensitized by it.

[ 1 ] Thanks

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The Copy Nazi Banned 12 years ago

Nicholas, this is NOT the language of snowboarders and hard-core skiers. The cool kids speak lingo similar to surfers - "Fully sick"..."Gnarly"..."bad"..."ripping"..."white off" etc.

Visit some ski forums...read the magazines...eavesdrop in bars. Then go write it. This doesn't cut it. Its lame.

Even better, get yourself up to Chamonix tout de suite and hang at this cool bar - Vert Hotel, Chamonix, France | Bar at Vert Hotel, Chamonix | Ski & Snowboarding Holiday Accommodation in Chamonix, Mont-Blanc | Bar | +33 (0) 4 50 53 13 58

I hear its been the best season for years.
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- Adriian 12 years ago
  
  What the Copy Nazi stated. What you wrote is too wordy, and I suggest using such lingo that he has stated.
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  nicolasgb 12 years ago
  
  Hi everyone, and thanks again for the truly helpful feedback. I'm quite impressed.
  
  I reworked my copy accordingly and updated the original post.
  
  Would you mind giving me your opinion ?
  
  Do I come off as trying to hard to sound like one of the cool cats?
  Am I over-selling? Our game is mostly about sharp controls & skills rather than speed and adrenaline.
  
  Thanks !
  Nicolas
  
  ps : Josh (and everyone), forgot to say, I definitely don't take your critique personnaly, this is totally what I was looking for
  
  Thanks
  
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nicolasgb 12 years ago

Josh and "The Copy Nazi", thanks a lot !
With your feedback, I will now be able to rework the weak bits pointed out by Josh, and add some skiing lingo -great suggestion.
I'll be sure to post an update once I'm done.

Note: how do you actually "thank" a poster so that it appears on his profile?
- Thanks
- 1 reply
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- CabTenson 12 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by nicolasgb
  
  Note: how do you actually "thank" a poster so that it appears on his profile?
  
  Four black buttons at bottom of their replies:
  [Quote] [MultiQuote] [Quick Reply] and [Thanks]
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  nicolasgb 12 years ago
  
  Hmm that's really strange I only see 3 buttons
  [Quote] [MultiQuote] [Quick Reply]
  Maybe I need more mileage on the forums until I get access to this feature
  
  Thanks
  
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debml 12 years ago

I don't feel like your copy illustrates that you are familiar with ski racing.

One way you can draw me in... make me feel like I'm a racer. Regardless of the type of race - downhill, slalom, or giant slalom - I'm going to hear the same thing at the start of the race - "5-4-3-2-1 Racer on Course."

As a former racer, I'm more than familiar with that. Even if I wasn't a former racer, if I've watched racing on TV, I would know that.
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- nicolasgb 12 years ago
  
  Thanks, Deb ! I'll make sure to include that.
  
  Can you think of other examples of language that would draw you in ? As a former racer your advice would be extremely valuable.
  
  I feel like the current description makes our game feel like one of those "too cool for school", high-energy freeride skiing games, while it's actually closer to olympic racing with gates & time records, even though we did stray pretty far away from a hardcore simulation.
  
  Thanks
  
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alfid 12 years ago

Maybe you could include phrases such as:
"rushes each curve"
"sharpens your reactions"
"thrilling action"...
- Thanks
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Ski Champion game app description

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