Please do not critique this.

Well, here's the short comment you wanted:

Scrap it and start again.

But because that's nearly worthless on its own, I'll expand for you:

Where's the benefits? Why should a restaurant owner use text marketing?

Sell the result, not the service.

Re-write the letter focusing on the prospect and what's in it for them.

And some more minor points:

If you're using a grabber, mention it up front.

Don't try for a clever headline. At the moment yours is simply a statement with no incentive to keep reading.

You don't tell me how it works, instead you try to close. And it was a confusing close at that (and why would any business owner care about making a quarter?)

Who are you, why should I trust, or even listen to your recommendation?

Its needs an apostrophe when it's short for "it is".

If you'd like me to expand more or have any questions, feel free to ask.

No need to apologize. Newbies and pros alike have been asking for critiques on this forum for a long time.

And as you can see from Andrew's and Steve's responses, respected copywriters are happy to help.

Just ignore the haters.

VL

"SEND AS IS." Looks good.

Teaser copy needs to get them to open it before they throw your dollar in the trash.

Restaurants Are Getting 14% More
Business from Smart Phones...
Discover this NEW Strategy

If you are going to Use Robert Collier/Gary Halbert technique, you need to tell them right away why there is a dollar attached...go to Halber's site and read his newsletters.

Dear Gordon Ramsey,

The reason you now have a crisp new dollar bill in your hands is because...blah..blah

Restaurants are discovering how the New Smart Phone can give them an increase of between 14% and 67% business...on any given day they want.

You may not want new business on Saturday, but how about on
Tuesday, or Wednesday?

Do you have room in your restaurant to serve an additional 10 to 30 new customers any day of the week you want? (This might make decent teaser copy on envelope)

Because if you do, you can easily tap into one of the hottest and fastest growing methods restaurants are using to increase their bottom lines by 14 to 25% a year or more. HOW?

They are using Smart Phone "texting" to give special deals to those who have opted to receive them.

One simple text message could bring in a flash mob of customers, at the exact time you want them to come in.

blah.blah.blah...

YOU introduce what you are doing way to soon...no SIZZLE for them...and these guys are busy...even if their restaurant is empty.

Your letter is asking them to do too much. They'll stick your dollar in their pocket and throw away your letter. YOU have to make it easy and quick...and I seriously doubt if ANYONE would take the time to go spend your dollar on what you want them too.

My opinion, the letter should be used to get an appointment so you can do a brief demonstration right after lunch...about the only time of day you will catch them...and everyone and his sister knows that is the TIME to sell them something so stand in line or get put off.

YOU need some facts and figures about how this texting thing is working for other restaurants. You must establish yourself as an expert on the subject and why 15 minutes of their time could lead them to more customers and more profits.

Scrap this letter, or test 100 of them. If you get zero response, you'll be out maybe 240 bux with printing postage and dollar bills.

You appear to be inexperienced at this, although I could be way wrong.

I'm not even sure how you make money doing this...but, if it is going to be worth your time and energy...


FIRST make it worth theirs. As you it have written now, it will annoy the hell out of them, except for the dollar.

gjabiz

Hey mate,

This is just a quick note to encourage you to keep it up. No matter what kind of salesletter you wrote, or re-write, don't get discouraged.

You are to be commended for putting your copy up here for input in the first place--it is a brave thing to do!

Writing is like any craft----it improves with study, use and polish....

BTW, there are a lot of very strong opinions on WF about what works and what doesn't, so sift it all carefully.

But there is always a need for encouragement....pass it on...

Jerry K.
www.JerryKuzma.com

And then Step 2: Show a need.

Get 10x More Coupon Redemption and Spend 95% Less Doing it.


Dear Mr. Smith,

There's no doubt about it, coupons work. That's why you and every other restaurant use them to bring in business. But, with the costs of print advertising continuing to rise and the redemption rates continuing to fall, YOUR ROI is shrinking. But there is a solution.


Step 2: Show the need.

Here, I am trying to soften up the restaurant owner by telling him that he is doing the right thing by advertising his business by using coupons. Then I lump him in with every other restaurant: now he's not special. Next I give him facts about the costs of advertising and the redemption rates which he will agree with (now this will be true for most but not all owners). Then I move from the heart to the wallet with shrinking ROI and next comes the solution.

Is this a good start?

It's better, you're moving in the right direction.

You don't want a period after your headline as you don't want your prospect to stop reading and I think you can phrase it a bit better like:

How To Cut Your Coupon Costs By 95%... and _______

or a more aggressive version:

Slash Your Spending By 95% _______

I didn't do the second part of your promise as I'm not sure about the word "redemption" - is that the wording restaurant owners use? If so, then it's fine, otherwise you want to speak their lingo.

And when you're writing a headline don't just write one as the first one, or even the first few, you come up with will rarely be your best.