How Can I Make This Better?

by Josh880

Posted: 12 years ago 10 replies

COPY WRITING

Hi Guys,

I released my very 1st WSO yesterday and have had a pretty good response.

Until a few days ago, I have only written 2 sales pages, and seem to be getting better.

However, I know I should have consulted with a copywriter prior to going live.

I was wondering if a few of you can briefly review my Sales Page and let me know some key ways I can make this better?

Don't be afraid to touch on some very important points.

From top to bottom Is there anything I need to add, emphasize on, or completely take away in order to get a better response? Pretend like this was your product, what are the things you would do?

Your input is very important.

Here is the sales letter Click Here

Please let me know your thoughts

Thanks In Advance

#make

Andrew Gould 12 years ago

Hi Josh,

Just a couple of quick thoughts:

You don't prove your promises - don't tell me music improves videos, demonstrate it to me. And you need to show your proof that music increases conversion.

You're not telling me what I'm getting other than over 100 tracks. Are they orchestral, ambient, etc? Do any loop? Are they layered? Are they in stereo, mono, 5.1? And so on...
- [ 1 ] Thanks
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Andrew Gould
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KingOfContentMarketing 12 years ago

Hey Josh,

Consider putting up some examples of how to use the music. People don't want to
think. Maybe post a couple of videos featuring IM use cases.

I'd also look at the objections in the comments and re-work the copy to address them. Like the guy who wanted to know how the tracks were organized and how he didn't want to wade through a bunch of tracks. Go ahead and explain in the copy how easy it is to find and use a track.
- [ 1 ] Thanks
- 1 reply
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Marketing is not a battle of products. It is a battle of perceptions.
- Jack Trout
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- Josh880 12 years ago
  
  Thanks guys,
  
  well respected advice.
  
  You don't think I need to do it over?
  
  All I need to do is add in those few tweaks and it should work well?
  
  I'll give it a try
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  Andrew Gould 12 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Josh880
  
  You don't think I need to do it over?
  
  All I need to do is add in those few tweaks and it should work well?
  
  There's lots more you could do: the headline's a touch too long (and you don't want to use the word quality twice in it), the first line's a "so what?" line, etc.
  
  So if you feel up to it, sure, re-write it. But if you don't know what's wrong with it, you're going to struggle to produce something significantly better.
  
  If you put in a good demo video, prove your claims, make exactly what you're offering crystal clear, and handle any objections, you'll be well on your way to a piece of copy that's "good enough" (certainly by WF standards).
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  Signature
  
  Andrew Gould
  
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  Josh880 12 years ago
  
  Thanks a lot Andrew.
  
  Much appreciated
  
  Thanks
  
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knish

12 years ago

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 12 years ago

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new2d

Banned 12 years ago

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ASCW

12 years ago

Originally Posted by new2d

long sales letters always look so cheesey and scammy. i'm surprised anyone buys anything from them. maybe the older generation does. the younger generation (like 45 and younger) will probably be turned off by them because it's just not the way world converses/sells nowadays. i feel like i'm in an archaeology class when i see a long sales letter. the font, everything just seems so desperate.

Do not listen to this guy.

Thanks

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Site being revamped.

If you want help with copy stuff, pm me.

Cool.

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new2d

Banned 12 years ago

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ASCW

12 years ago

Originally Posted by new2d

long sales letter might still work here and there but it's a dying breed. going the way of the dodo. i would rather work on sales techniques that are the way forward and become one of the best at those instead. i mean, yeah, some people out there still do door to door sales successfully. would i recommend it as a sound future proof strategy? of course not.

salesmanship is salesmanship is salesmanship.

EDIT: Didn't want to make 2 posts without leaving something valuable behind.

Josh, I have a question for you. And the answer could drastically shift this letters angle.

Why are people buying this product? Is it because they want the music? Or because they want the PLR?

-Andy

Thanks
1 reply

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Site being revamped.

If you want help with copy stuff, pm me.

Cool.

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Josh880

12 years ago

Originally Posted by ASCW

It's because they want the music.

IM'ers who use video in their business need this in their toolbox.

The music will enhance the quality of their online productions.

It has great sounds for a very low price.

However, the PLR is an added bonus and makes this offer a no brainier.

Thanks
1 reply

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Formal Shorts 12 years ago

I'm not an experienced copywriter. However, if you're arsed, here's a little grammar feedback

____________________________

Thanks to the mobile phone industry, video marketing has increased even more.

Increased even more is out of context. I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to say, but at a guess, I'd suggest

Thanks to the mobile phone industry, the use of video marketing has increased yet again

or

Thanks to the mobile phone industry, video marketing has become increasingly vital.
____________________

Over half of the U.S. population alone, are online video viewers

Delete the comma

______________________

Now Imagine what it would feel like to go into

No capital on imagine

______________________

Imagine how much your business will grow when you have more people flocking to join your mailing list, and when your sites start ranking higher in the search engines just because you're starting to exploit the online video boom and you're outshining your competition.

A bit wordy. Ehhh....

Simply by exploiting the online video boom, you will completely outshine your competition. Imagine how much your business will grow when your sites are ranking higher in the search engines and people are flocking to join your mailing list.

____________________

It could take you years and can cost you a small fortune trying to figure out just the right combinations of music and sound effects that make some marketing pieces work and put customers in the *buying* mood - while others fall flat on their face.

Slight mix of tenses

It could take you years, and even cost you a small fortune trying to figure out just the ...

______________

But instead of knocking yourself out trying to come up with just the right tweak you could make in your marketing to take your business to the next level, you can now have it inside a brand new product called:

The first introduction to your product...it doesn't seem very strong or smooth

It could, but it doesn't have to. Don't waste any more time trying to come up with just the right tweak to take you to the next level...I've already done it for you! You can have it right now, inside a brand new product called:

_____________

The special Sound Effects Pack, The Intro & Outro Pack

Capitalise Special
- Thanks
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Top Quality Content - Don't Miss Out!
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ChloeCKimberley 12 years ago

Mmkay. I thought for a while and here's what I came up with.

- Break up your sentences. Fit them into a rhythm. You want people to literally "slip" through easily.

- You're not clear enough on your target audience. Are you targeting internet marketers OR internet marketers who USE video, webinars, screencasts etc... And already have an existing need for "music"? *there's a big difference!*

(Is there even an existing market for that? I'm not too sure - but you always want to ride on EXISTING desires. Educate? What a chore. )

- Your hook can be far more specific. More appealing. Narrowing your wso audience can be a good choice.

- Stop jumping from claim to conclusion. Show your readers the link in between. The process of achieving... Till results. And they must seem very achievable.

Eg. You jumped from "oh, put this music in here" to "and you'll make money from these videos/ you'll get them to buy!"

Where o' where are the missing links? I apparently don't see a thing. Not one bit about the "technology" behind it, the secret behind your music, the workings, the ... I don't know. Maybe you could dig in deeper and find out how music affects the core of buying emotions. Maybe it increases their heartrate... Forces them to be calm... Something deeper.

You need offer research.

... And I'll come up with more if you make changes to it.
- Thanks
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Signed, Chloe C Kimberley
copywriter,designer,marketer

"If you're making good money with SEO/PPC/product creation, I'll be willing to offer copywriting assistance to you so that I can learn from you."
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