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Is my copy effective?

by edenworkshops
11 replies
Hello

You have been kind enough to help me in the last, with your help I rewrote our home page and it is much more dynamic than it was.

I am trying to market my services as a mentor for those interested in taking up bookbinding.

I have written the page, but I feel I should pass this under the noses of some more commercially minded, sharper minds than mine.

What do you think?

Mentoring in the Book Arts - Personal One On One Guidance

Thank you for your comments.

Regards

Richard
#copy #effective
  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    Originally Posted by edenworkshops View Post

    Hello

    You have been kind enough to help me in the last, with your help I rewrote our home page and it is much more dynamic than it was.

    I am trying to market my services as a mentor for those interested in taking up bookbinding.

    I have written the page, but I feel I should pass this under the noses of some more commercially minded, sharper minds than mine.

    What do you think?

    Mentoring in the Book Arts - Personal One On One Guidance

    Thank you for your comments.

    Regards

    Richard
    Richard I had a glance over it and it became obvious it was all about you.
    Go through it yourself and take note how many "I's" are in it.

    Start again and put the emphasis on the people who really matter, your readers.

    They are the ones who pay for your lifestyle.

    Best,
    Ewen
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    • Profile picture of the author edenworkshops
      I am taking on board what is being said

      Richard
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  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Hello Richard,

    In addition to what Ewen has said you need to make your offer clearer.

    You need to tell the reader exactly what they'll be getting for their £15 a month. For example, details about how you'll communicate, when, how often, and typical speed of reply.
    Signature

    Andrew Gould

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    • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
      Banned
      Originally Posted by edenworkshops View Post

      Hello

      You have been kind enough to help me in the last, with your help I rewrote our home page and it is much more dynamic than it was.

      I am trying to market my services as a mentor for those interested in taking up bookbinding.

      I have written the page, but I feel I should pass this under the noses of some more commercially minded, sharper minds than mine.

      What do you think?

      [Link removed]

      Thank you for your comments.

      Regards

      Richard
      Didn't you post this exact same thread up almost 3 years ago Richard? I remember you because I replied to you back in 2009 since my father is heavily involved in an offshoot of the same business.

      From June 2009, same website...

      http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...home-page.html

      From June 2009 again...

      http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...sentences.html

      From August 2009 yet again...

      http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...-critique.html

      And now April 2012?

      Why not finally invest in a copywriter? Rather than receiving free copywriting advice every time?


      Mark Andrews
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  • Profile picture of the author kalens99
    I am not a professional copywriter, but I frankly think this needs some work. Not trying to be mean, just offer some constructive criticism. I don't you think you would benefit from me telling you all is great and be disappointed later.

    The biggest thing you need to focus on is calling your user to take action and stating the benefit of your service. Stick to using the active tense and making sure that you are able to get the message across about what your service does for them. I agree with ewenmack that you shouldn't focus on yourself in a post about your products. You can have an "About Me" or "history page" or something to provide some background for that for the people who are interested. Your sales page should get right to the point.
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  • Profile picture of the author WinstonThaler
    Bad copy.

    And from what Mark said... I agree. Just hire a copywriter and receive many times the investment back. Sales copy doesn't have to be glitzy or red font if that's what you're concerned with... Just the changing of words can change a lot of your conversions and give you good profit.
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  • Profile picture of the author Bigfoot1
    I agree, you talk about yourself too much and it just doesn't sell. The reader doesn't really get to see the "benefits".

    Remember sell the benefits not the features.

    Hire a professional copywriter as other people have suggested.
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  • Profile picture of the author ThomasOMalley
    Hi Richard,

    Find David Frey's sales letter template or outline and follow that. When you follow the basic sales letter sequence, you will have a much stronger sales page in which you offer your services as a mentor.

    You have great info. about your qualifications. However, you have to start with the benefits that your prospects will get by having a mentor in your occupation.

    Find some other successful sales letters and study them thoroughly.

    Or hire an experienced copywriter.

    Best,

    Thomas O'Malley
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  • Profile picture of the author knish
    You could try to press some emotional buttons of your prospects, empathizing with their problems...by putting yourself in their sadly desperate shoes and writing from that perspective...stress the frustration and the desperation and how your amazing product will provide the answers to all their problems.
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  • Profile picture of the author fleurdigi
    Hi Richard,

    Here are a few ideas to get you started. Let me know if you would like any more pointers

    1. Subject line - you need one. Used in the right way, it is attention grabbing and can help to build curiosity in the reader. Having 'Mentoring' as a subtitle is somewhat dull and will not urge people to read on.

    2. YOU - you need to talk about the reader. You are not addressing the person you are selling to, but talking about your life story. People don't want to talk about you, they want to talk about themselves... it's interesting and they feel involved in the dialogue.
    (try to leave out personal details but it does help to talk about qualifications in a subtle way so as to establish authority)

    3. Formatting - your text is too bunched up.

    4. Simplify - you're using words that aren't necessary. Try to keep it simple and conversational. Ditch the convoluted sentence structure and stick to simple sentences. You need to talk to them using their language. This will not only help with the flow but help to establish you as a likeable person (one of the most important weapons of influence).

    5. You asked a question - "Maybe you have a project and need a hand working through it?"
    This is a good place to start. Asking questions helps to develop the flow of the sales copy and will let the reader answer the question in their head whilst they read... If they have the problem you have asked them about they will feel more inclined to buy whatever it is you're selling that solves the problem. This is called commitment and consistency.

    6. Social proof - whilst I like your use of testimonials to prove the quality of your work, I think you need to be more selective. Choose extracts that you think have the most impact.

    7. Overall flow - ask yourself these questions:

    What problem does my product solve?
    How does it solve it?
    Who am I talking to?

    I don't think you have really addressed these questions properly in your sales copy. Try maybe developing an issue throughout the first half (relate to them and say you've had the same problem)... this will give you authority. Then tee up your product as the perfect solution to this problem. Ensure you know exactly who you're talking to throughout.

    Best,

    Fleur
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    • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
      (Quote - Find David Frey's sales letter template or outline and follow that)

      Hi Richard,

      Here is David Frey's template - the second version is with Mal's (the Copy Nazi's enhancements)


      David Frey

      Get attention

      Identify the problem

      Provide the solution

      Present your credentials

      Show the benefits

      Give social proof

      Make your offer

      Inject scarcity

      Give a guarantee

      Call to action

      Give a warning

      Close with a reminder




      David Frey - "Over the past few years I’ve added a few points to this formula - The Copy Nazi"

      21 part sales letter formula

      1. Call out to your audience

      2. Get their attention

      3. Backup the big promise headline with a quick explanation (Sub)

      4. Identify the problem

      5. Provide the solution

      6. Show pain of and cost of development

      7. Explain ease-of-use

      8. Show speed to results

      9. Future cast

      10. Show your credentials

      11. Detail the benefits

      12. Get social proof

      13. Make your offer

      14. Add bonuses

      15. Build up your value

      16. Reveal your price (pop by button)

      17. Inject scarcity (if any)

      18. Give guarantee

      19. Call to action

      20. Give a warning

      21. Close with a reminder

      "I also added my part copy test that I asked myself when I finished any new sales piece.

      You really should do this the day after you finish your sales letter or video sales letter, after you have had a chance to read or reread it out loud.

      By the way that one tip is really important.

      You should always read every completed sales piece you ever write including e-mails out loud preferably to another human being.

      It will probably improve your copy at least 100%"


      Eight-part copy test

      1. Did you grab your readers by the throat your readers with your headline?

      2. Did you clearly explain that you understand the problem?

      3. Did you show them so much proof that they can’t possibly doubt what
      you had to say?

      4. Did you show features and benefits to your offer that included the word
      so in each line?

      5. Did you ensure your prospects that your product will be very very easy
      to use?

      6. Did you ensure to your prospects that your product would work very
      quickly to solve the problem?

      7. Did you clearly explain the pain of the experience by not accepting your
      offer?

      8. Did you demonstrate incredible value in your offer so much so that your
      prospect would feel stupid by not buying your product?



      Hope this helps,

      Steve
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